


MikuLore Prologue: Ian Ruins Everything

by BigSpinchMan



Series: MikuLore [1]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival ALL STARS (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project, Minecraft (Video Game), Monster Girl Encyclopedia, TheRunawayGuys, Vocaloid
Genre: Bob Soft Mint, Burger King - Freeform, Commentary, Content Warning: I wrote fanfiction, Content Warning: Idol Stanning, Content Warning: JoJo References, Content Warning: Nozomi Tojo, Content Warning: Teto Kasane, Content warning: Stabbing, Content warning: monster girls, Edgy, Epic, Fish slap, Gen, He held a porkchop to his mouth, Hiker Dancing, I met him in real life, Juju is in the Cutscean, Product Placement?, Rated because I fucking die, Rated because I say fuck... a lot, Rated because literal stabbing, Real Life Locations, Symbolism, Terraria References, TheAggyyu, Xenoblade Chronicles - Freeform, Yes Steve is Miku's Dad, and I have no regrets, and particles came out, chainsaw, he made eye contact with me the entire time, i wrote this entire thing just for a dumb joke, it disappeared, mall, maybe a bit too real, no i do not take criticism, not for the kiddies, olive garden, other than that he's a swell guy, unblinking, washi washi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:40:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 42,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27750169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BigSpinchMan/pseuds/BigSpinchMan
Summary: This fat fuck was vibing at college, trying not to think about his own inevitable demise, when this obnoxious pink bastard tells him he'll get laid if he kills his friend's IB friends. Normally, this would be met with a firm "No, you're crazy", but unfortunately, MikuLore is not normal. Hilarity ensues. (Yes, Chuggaaconroy is God) (Yes, Miku is addicted to Xenoblade Chronicles) (No, I do not take criticism)
Relationships: Ayase Eli/Toujou Nozomi
Series: MikuLore [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2029933
Comments: 8
Kudos: 1





	1. Ian Ruins Everything: ACT 1: Just another Normal Thursday.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Starborn_Sound](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starborn_Sound/gifts).



> I should explain myself. This all started one day, when I met my best friend Michelle's sister at the public library. She was vibing really hard to Miku Miku Dance songs, and something within me clicked that day. I didn't know who she was though, until the two of us were procrastinating in German class one day. I told Michelle about this, and she said "oh yeah that's my sister". SOMEHOW, I came to the conclusion that she was lying, and that her sister and her were the same person... and that person was none other than virtual J-pop sensation, Hastune Miku. Did I know what a Miku was? No. Do I now? Not really. Nonetheless, somehow the joke devolved further, with all of Michelle's IB friends being the other characters, like Rin, Len, and Luka, and that I had to defeat them in order to steal the Chaos Emeralds. One fateful day last August, Michelle told me I could write a fanfiction about this, but then told me not to. Then, I replied "Maybe I will." What did Michelle have to say to this? "Oh God, oh fuck, don't do that!" Fifteen months later, here we are. Thank you, Michelle, for putting up with my bullshit for four years, and I hope we can have four more and many more after that! :) (Tell Steve I said hi.)

#  ACT I: Just Another Thursday

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QI93JfG62A ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2QI93JfG62A) ]

##  February 13, 2020. 6:30 AM

_ And so, another day began… _

“GOOD MORNING,  _ GEORGE MASON! _ ”exclaimed Ian, practically  _ yeeting _ himself out of bed. It was a Thursday!

“And you know what that means, don’t you, Eli?” Ian turned to face the nesoberi present on the other side of the room. The nesoberi was, of course, silent as ever, staring directly forward, unyielding. “Ike’s has  _ apple muffins _ !” He grabbed the plush, shaking it up and down. “Oooh, they’re mah favorite! They almost taste like  _ real food _ !” Ian put the nesoberi down and patted its head. 

“OKAY!” It was time to move on.

“Alexa, what’s today’s weather gonna be?”

The machine clicked on.

“ _ Currently, in Fairfax County, Virginia, it is 31 _ _ o _ _ Farenheight. Expect it to be partly cloudy all day. High, 42 _ _ o _ _. Low, 26 _ _ o _ _.” _

“ _ Thank you, Alexa~ _ ”, said Ian somewhat singsonginly.

Ian went from his rather dingy room to the even dingier bathroom the dorm floor shared. “Ah well, nothin’ much I can do about that!”, Ian thought to himself. Wilson Hall, floor two, could be described as having seen better days… if such days had ever existed in the first place.

And thus, Ian started his morning routine. Shower, Shave, Take his vitamins, Brush his teeth, Get dressed (polo and khakis forever), and Head to Ike's dining hall for breakfast. Day in and day out, virtually like clockwork. The residents of President’s Park could practically set their watches to Ian, if any of them ever bothered to go outside for more than classes, meals, and Patriot Activity Committee planned parties.

“Today is Thursday, so that means I’ve got Comms, German, Music,  _ and _ Astronomy.” Ian was alone in his room, packing his bag for the day. “Got all the binders, pencils, notebook,  _ no calculator required today, _ the laptop, and… Oh...” Was he forgetting something?

“Of course!  _ I can’t forget Eli! _ ” Yes. The doll. Why did he need it? Ian had forgotten as to  _ why _ he started taking the nesoberi with him everyday, but at this point, it had become somewhat of tradition. Besides, it was college. You could get away with stuff like this, at least in your first year. 

At precisely 8:40 local time, Ian headed out for the day, kicking out the dorm room door. 

  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpzncaR24uA ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KpzncaR24uA) ]

Not much could be said about the bulk of Ian’s day. However, something was different about  _ this _ Thursday. Ian could feel it, but he couldn’t feel what  _ it _ was. He didn’t leave anything at the dorm, and he’d turned in all his work on time, so what could  _ it _ be? He asked his friend Matthew about it at lunch, again at Ike’s. 

“ _ I dunno my guy, that just sounds like a bad bit of anxiety. _ ”, said Matthew.

“Yeah, I suppose so.”, said Ian.

“ _ Haven’t you checked out CAPS yet? They’re supposed to help us with that stuff. _ ”

“Yeah, I did, back in November. Problem is, the lady there just referred me to professional therapists. And those cost  _ real money _ .”

“ _ I dunno what else to tell you, my guy. _ ”

“Fair enough.”

Ian looked to the side.

“G u h.”, he spurted.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCgIqsiZLIM ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCgIqsiZLIM) ]

There was some creepy looking girl standing outside of Ike’s, with deep pink hair in twin drills and an ahoge and somewhat of a scowl on her face. Ian wasn’t sure if she was ten or thirty. As soon as she looked at Ian, that anxious feeling multiplied by ten. One could practically feel the “ゴゴゴゴ” coming off of her.

Matthew looked at Ian with a rather befuddled expression. 

_ “My guy, is something up? _ ”

“Maybe... D’ya see her?” Ian gestured to the mystery figure.

“ _ Yeah… I dunno what her problem is, but she kinda gives me the creeps to be honest with ya… _ ”   
  


“I think I know her from  _ somewhere _ .”, said Ian.   


“ _ Really? _ ”

“Think so. Can’t say where from, though. Maybe she’s in my Comms class?”

The two wrapped up their meal, and Ian headed back to his dorm to study, like some kind of NERD who actually. That same feeling of menacing dread still lingered around him. Later, on his way to Astronomy class, for no reason in particular, he found himself humming along to “Fukkireta”.

  
  


##  10:00 PM

“(Astronomy class is supposed to be my favorite)”, Ian thought to himself. “(So why do I  _ still _ have that terrible, MENACING, feeling?” He couldn’t concentrate on the lecture, something about the Hertzsprung-Russell diagram, and found himself come down with a bad migraine. Ian couldn’t wait to get out of class and go straight to bed, and probably sneak in a couple episodes of “Love Live! Sunshine!!”, like the degenerate. 

But of course, it seems that nothing would go his way. It can never be that simple.

As Ian descended the stairs of Planetary Hall, he found that menacing feeling climbing higher and higher, with each step towards the door straining him more and more, until he beheld a grisly sight.  _ Someone _ was there, in the Planetary Hall Eastern Vestibule…!

“That chick from out in front of Ike’s… SHE’S BLOCKING THE EXIT OF PLANETARY!?”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://youtu.be/tRRfhldsa0U?t=69 ](https://youtu.be/tRRfhldsa0U?t=69) ] 

She was certainly much more menacing up close, even though she had to be half of Ian’s size. (Ian was secretly afraid of short people.) He recognized what seemed to be a tattoo on her shoulder.

“ _ Oh-four-oh-one _ ” The girl spoke in a tinny voice that reminded Ian of creaking metal. 

“ Ian! ”

“How th’FUCK do you know my name?”

“ I know a lot about you, but that isn’t important right now. I’m here on a … business offer, yes, let’s call it that. ”, said the stranger.

“Eh? Business? Well then, why don’cha go over to Enterprise Hall! They  _ love _ business, and business accessories!”

“ Ah, but that’s the thing, good sir. My business tonight… concerns you! ” 

Something was up with the whole situation. Was it because the stranger’s head was a bit too disproportionately big? Were her eyes too large for her face? Her cheery smile seemingly hid a thousand secrets behind it, and the twin drills on her head more so resembled steel than human hair. Maybe, just maybe, it was because Ian felt that it was an appropriate response to respond to her offer with

“Watanabe?”

“ Ueh? ”, replied the stranger, dumbfounded by Ian’s brainlessness.

“You Watanabe. Have you heard of her? Aquors?”

“ I don’t… know… what you’re talking about. ”

“I know… that you don’t know…”, said Ian, trying to be like the one of the characters in JoJo’s (and failing to do so), “But what you don’t know that you don’t know,...” 

“ I’m not here to play silly games, boy. That isn’t gonna work out too well for ya… ”

“Is  **NIGERUNDAYO!!** ”, Ian cried, knocking over the stranger, bolting out of the double doors like a bat out of hell! 

“ Well then. Running away, what an act of cowardice! Maybe Hatsune was right about Ian, a rare accomplishment for her, to be sure. Ah, but he’s bound to tucker out eventually... ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRav2TNsYRk ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRav2TNsYRk) ]

For someone as fat as he was, Ian was a surprisingly good runner. Of course, this was only when his life depended on it (a behavior typical of most humans). 

He Naruto ran east behind the Johnson Center, the bustling heart of the George Mason campus. Ian dared not look behind him, for surely, his pursuer was right behind him at all times!

Ian made his way into the music building, de Laski Hall, via one of the lower floor exits. He practically threw himself into the elevator and mashed the button to the top floor like an osu! player. To his dismay, the certain someone was already at the top floor, waiting for him. Ian mashed the “close door” button, followed by the ground floor button. Waiting at the bottom for him, again, was the twin drilled stranger. How did she get down here so quickly?

“ Ya do realize if I was trying to murder you, I would’ve done so already by now? ”, she said.

Ian stepped out of the elevator.

“No.”, he replied. Ian fumbled for something in his pants pocket, but the stranger didn’t seem to notice. Or care. 

“ Well. Now ya do. Now, back to what I was gonna say earlier, there’s- ”

“PSYCH!” Ian pulled out a multitool, and rammed the knife part into the stranger’s eye! It made a strange “pink!” sound, as Ian grabbed her by the ahoge and  _ yeeted _ her down the hallway, much to a passerby student’s dismay.

“Bahahahaha!”, Ian chuckled, getting into the next elevator, back to the top.

“ Aaand just when it was starting to go well… ”, she said, picking herself up. The other student looked at the stranger with a look of terror on her face… 

“ _ Are… are you okay? _ ”

“ It’s none of your goddamn business!~ ”, said the stranger all too cheerily.

  
  


Ian bolted out of the building, the stranger no doubt on his tail. Sure enough, as Ian turned back, she was! And she was  _ pissed _ ! So much so, in fact, that the long, pink ribbon on her dress unfurled into a tail of sorts, ending a brazen ring. Deep magenta, bat-like wings also sprouted from her back. Clearly, she wasn’t human. There’d be no outrunning her on foot… 

“(On foot...)”, thought Ian, realizing a student in the circle outside booking a LIME scooter with an app. As soon as he stepped on, Ian kicked him off!

“ _ hey what the hell man” _

“PSSSH! Nothing personnel, kiddo!!”, Ian said, revving the e-scooter and speeding off, as the now-winged stranger followed right behind him. 

Ian scooted past the Mason statue, accidentally running over the plaque. Any Mason Patriot worth their salt knew that that meant four years of bad luck, but the thought didn’t occur to Ian at the moment.

He burst through the northeast double doors of the Johnson Center, scooting in and out of tables filled with people socializing and/or “enjoying” food from the various fast food restaurants in the food court, all the while as Ian was being pursued. The patrons seemed to be more upset than anything, as Ian recalled that no one in NoVA really gave a shit about this sort of insanity. Just last week, there had been a student roaming campus wearing nothing but a cardboard box.

Ian revved the scooter once more as he drifted around the information kiosk (the workers there looked as uninterested and dead inside as ever), as his pursuer smacked into a pillar! Now was his chance to escape! 

He sped out of the second set out double doors, into the J.C. East Vestibule. He turned to see his pursuer losing distance, to which, Ian triumphantly cried out!

“Bahahahaha! Nothing bad, ever happens to m-” Ian should’ve watched where he was going. He  _ really _ should have, as before him, lay the long flights of stairs in between David King Hall and the Planetary/Exploratory duplex, the bane of students wanting to get from The HUB to Johnson. 

The scooter got a good 2 seconds of airtime, before sinking like a rock! 

“UUUUUUUYEEEEEEE!!!”, Ian cried out, tumbling his way down over fifty feet of stairs. Thankfully, there wasn’t anyone else around to laugh at him this time. Ian came to a rather uncomfortable rest at the bottom of the stairs, landing with a resounding “Damt.” 

“Did I fucken’ break my ankle ‘r somethin’? God damn, how’m I gonna pay for  _ that!? _ ”

Just when he was about to come to the terms of his crash landing, he heard a voice come from behind him.

“ Like I said, that isn’t going to work, buddy. Ya took quite the fall there! Are you well? Do you have brain damage? ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nLa-__GZig ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nLa-__GZig) ] 

“uhhh, no. But more importantly,  _ who th’FUCK’re you _ ?”

The Utauloid was taken aback by Ian’s inquiry.

“ You kidding me? It says,  _ right here _ \-- ” tapping on her left forearm, “ _ Tay! Toh! Tee! Ka-sah- _ **_nay!_ ** _ ”  _

So this stranger was Teto. From Vocaloid. That couldn’t be right, because as far as Ian knew, the characters weren’t real.

“That must be some really dedicated cosplay…”, he said.

“ This ain’t _ cosplay, _ bub _! _ _ ” _

“Okay, uhhh, so what’s the ‘T’ stand for…? and more importantly, why do you want to see me so badly…?”

Teto’s expression perked up, and a smug grin was spreading across her. Things were going to get interesting.

“ The ‘T’ means ‘trustworthy’, and a little, uh,  _ birdie _ , told me that you’ve got a problem with one Ms. Michelle _ COOL IT!!! _ ? ”

“How… so…?”, Ian replied, slightly worried about Teto’s inquisition.

Teto pulled out a notepad from one of her shirt pockets and poured over something.

“ Let’s see here, ah… Oh, did she kinkshame you? ”, Teto asked flatly.

“Oh, yeah, while ago, but I don’t know if what she said even matters. We’ve been best friends for about three and a half years now, and I’d  _ never _ want to do anything to hurt her, if that’s what you’re implying,  _ Kassa-nay _ !”

“ You didn’t let me finish! There’s  _ one _ thing the two of us, you and I, have in common… ”

“And what in God’s Name would that be…?” 

“ _ We both enjoy making her suffer~! _ ” Ian could’ve sworn the strange ...thing’s eyes were glowing a shade of magenta.

“I think ‘suffer’ is a bit of a  _ strong _ term for intentionally bringing the same flavor of chips that she hates and replying to everything with  _ Jojo’s _ GIFs…”

“ It’s ‘GIF’. ”

“Bah, who cares.”, said Ian gruffly. Teto pressed further.

“ But surely, there’s  _ something _ you hate about Michelle? That you want to get back at her for? ”

Ian sat down and thought hard for a moment.

“She keeps calling me a ‘Boomer’ because I don’t know what Poptropica is. I don’t get it! I’m only two years older than her! How does that even work!?”

Teto gasped and rubbed her hands on the side of her face.

“Oh! OH! _Been there, done that!_ Same here, buddy! _Now try being_ _twice her age_.”

Ian was confounded by Teto’s revelation.

“How am I gonna be thirty-two?”

“ I didn’t mean it like that, moron. ”, she said flatly.

“yer thirty-two.”

“ Thirty-one. ”

Ian turned about halfway around and said to no one, in particular: 

“ **_I guess it really is true what they say about lolis, they -”_ **

“ **who the fuck are you talking to** ”

Without a second of hesitation, Ian said, “The audience.” 

“Aw, damt, ya made me forget where I was gonna go with that! Some help you are, Kassa-nay!”

“ Agh, _ the point is _ , we could  _ work together _ to  _ get Mee-chelle _ what’s  _ coming to her! _ ”

“YOU’RE GOING TO BEAT HER UP?”

“ Maybe! ” Teto winked.

“NO! That’s terrible! And how would you even get away with that, she’s gay, that’s probably considered a hate crime!”

“ Because I’m maaagic~! ”

“ _ Magic?! _ ” Ian was livid.

It seemed that Ian had only blinked, and Teto had disappeared around the corner of Exploratory. Ian limped over to the other corner. 

“ _ Ooo, how’d I do that? _ _ ” _

There was a metallic clinking sound accompanied by a small flash of pinkish light. Some kind of lance had appeared in Teto’s hand!

“ _ Ooo, where’d that come from? _ _ ” _

“ _ I don’t think I get it… _ ”, said Ian wearily.

“ But you haven’t seen the best part yet! ”

“And what would that be?”, an exasperated Ian bemoaned.

Teto’s smugness was approaching dangerous levels. She pointed to her own head. For lack of a better explanation, the “drills” on the side of her head switched on, pointing forwards now and spinning like actual drills. As if that wasn’t bad enough, the same wings and “tail” from the chase had appeared alongside them.

“How’s that even possible?”, said Ian. 

“ And this is how we’ll get Michelle! ”

“No seriously, how is that even physically possible, d’ya put the wings under yer shirt or somethin’-”

“ Still not convinced? I get it. You’re hard to get to.  _ Did you want something in return? _ ”

“whaddya mean”

The Utauloid’s eyes narrowed.

“ _ You’re a dirty weeb, aren’t you? _ ”

“Teto, I, I really don’t think--”

“ Oh.  _ What’s this then? _ ”, she said, grabbing and unzipping Ian’s bag.

“TETO, I REALLY DON’T --”

“ _Wow._ Eli? From _Rabu Raibu?!_ _Your_ waifu, in your bag!?” She pulled out Ian’s nesoberi, bought from a convention on-campus last fall, all for the low, low price of $33. For whatever reason, Ian had cut the tag off. 

“Teto. Please put that back.” Ian’s face was beet-red.

“ Look at that~, you’re embarrassed! Serves you right for having shit taste! We all know Nico is best girl! But… What if I told you I could do you one better? ”

“ _ What the hell does that mean?! _ ”

Teto stopped dead in front of Ian, holding the plushie in her arms.

“ _ Three. Dee. Eli. _ ”

Even though she was barely half the size of Ian, he still felt deeply unnerved by this inhuman… thing offering to perform some kind of magic trick. Was this to be trusted?

“I  _ really _ don’t like where this is going.”, said.

“ If you turn around for a few minutes, I think you will~ ”

“Why.”, a rather concerned Ian spat, with his folded together in a pretzel manner.

“ Just do it. ”, the UTAU asserted.

“okay, fine”

Ian heard Teto set the nesoberi down onto the asphalt. That was the  _ only _ normal sound. Following up that was a cacophony of mechanical grinding and organic squelching, as well as several other things Ian didn’t know and didn’t  _ want _ to know. 

“can I turn around yet”

“ no~ ”

Ian decided to take a peek anyways.

Teto was knelt over the nesoberi. Somehow, one of Teto’s Drills had detached from her head at one point, and was now burrowing into the nesoberi’s back. Magenta-colored liquid was pouring from Teto’s right hand into the drill, presumably entering Eli and doing… something.

“ **I SAID NO!** ”

“okay, okay…” Ian waved off his hand at whatever Teto was getting up to.

“ Aaand, uh… ” Something clicked. Sky-blue light blasted from somewhere.

“ _ Swiggity Sw-eal~ _

_ Ur waifu IS REAL  _

_ The contract has now been signed, _

_ So you should know the deal... _ ”

“Teto, I didn’t sign anything, what the fuck does that mean?”

“ You can turn around now, Ian. ”

“ Хорошо... ”, said a familiar-sounding voice.

The scene could only be described as nonsensical. Now, there were  _ two _ anime characters in front of him, although at the very least Ian knew who the second one was. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k7ELBPGArU ](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6k7ELBPGArU) ] 

“ _ Mmmh… _ ” Eli Ayase, Otonokizaka Girls’ High Student Council President and Ninth Muse, sat up.

“ You REALLY owe me one after this. ”

“  ...そして、あなたは「イアン」になれますか？ ” Ian had no idea what she was saying. Turns out that real life doesn’t have subtitles!

“ Oh, shoot, she’s still in  _ subbed mode... _ ”

Teto giddily pierced the now-talking nesoberi in the back, before reattaching the drill to her own head. The wings and ribbon-tail had both retracted by now.

“ Ack! ”, cried out Eli

“ There we go. Now she’s speaking American! ” “That’s not a language.” “ But American English is! ” “ But who are you? ” Eli was pointing at Teto. Teto seemed worried about something, but immediately shrugged it off.

“ Let’s get started with the introductions, then! ”

“ Ian, Eli. Eli, Ian. Teto, Eli. Eli, Teto. GREAT. We’ve got that all down, coming along nicely! ”, said Teto ecstatically. 

Teto leaned forwards. Ian still felt intimidated. “ _ Now kiss.~ _ ”, said Teto.

The two “lovers” seemed extremely uncomfortable and were both staring at Teto. Ian’s dreadful feeling returned in full force.

“Don’t we have to go on a date first?”, said Ian.

“ _ oh, what the hell do  _ you _ know about relationships _ ”, Teto dismissed.

“You don’t go to first base with someone you immediately met! That’s cringe!”

“You didn’t ‘just meet’ Eli! You watched _Love!Live!_ , isn’t that enough about her?”

Ian reacted with dumbfoundment. “No!”

“ Ian. I’m not sure if  _ this _ could even work, considering that I am _ , _ wholeheartedly, _ without a doubt,  _ **_g-_ ** ”

Teto pressed her lance up against Eli’s throat. 

“ _ What was that, punk? _ ” “ ... ” The color drained out of Eli’s face.

“ You gonna finish that sentence, tankie? ”

Eli shuddered as Teto pressed the lance further.

“ _ Гавно… _ ”, muttered Eli.

Something formed around Eli’s hand. Ian knew something wasn’t right here. She turned to Ian, and shouted

“ RUN! ” Well, he sure knew how to do that.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38tG3bbV_6c ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38tG3bbV_6c) ]

“YEET!”, he yelled!

Ian had thrown his shoe further up the road, towards a building called “The Hub”. Ian booked it back around the corner of Exploratory, running into the ground floor.. In the commotion, he had dropped his backpack. He made it down the hall before turning into the bathroom and slammed himself into the nearest open stall. The stall door closed with a hearty “ ***THUNK*** ”.

“Finally, a few minutes to rest”, Ian thought to himself. “ _ But why’d I have to do that on a banged-up ankle?! _ ” He tried not to cry, and failed!

Meanwhile, an icicle well over a foot long, materialized and immediately shot towards Teto, striking her clear in the collarbone.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pvl1gTzUyxI ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pvl1gTzUyxI) ] 

“ _ AH, SHET! _ Now he’s run off somewhere! Look what you did! ”, sneered Teto.

“ _ I did _ ?  _ You’re _ the one who oh-so wanted to stab me! ”

“ YOU WERE GONNA RUIN EVERYTHING! THE WHOLE GODDAMN MASTER PLAN! ” Teto was practically screeching. “ _ Not like it would’ve even hurt me. _ _ ” _

“ Иди на хуй _ , h _ _ ow does me being gay ruin it!? _ ”

“ Just play along with the ‘ _ g.f. _ ’ spiel. ”

“ WHY? ”, cried Eli. 

“ Don’t you want to enjoy your newfound sentience? You owe me one, too! Bigtime!! ” Teto seemed desperate.

Eli threw up her hands. “ Would you be so kind as to care to explain  _ how _ ? ”

Teto appeared to be angered, but she didn’t enter her “second form”.

“ _ I brought you into this world, and I can sure as hell take you out of it. _ ” __

“ _ NO THANKS, I LIKE SENTIENCE _ ”, Eli blurted out. Clearly, this was the second worst thing to ever happen to Eli Ayase in any timeline, right behind Nagphir the Great.

“Ah, now that’s more like it.”, said Teto. “Do you have any idea where he could have gone off too?”

“ His room. Wilson Hall. ” 

Teto fiddled with something on -- or rather, in -- her cuff.

“ _ Wil-son Hall, Gee Emm Yoo, _ VAAAH. Ah. There we go. ”

“ What are you doing? ”

“ Opening a Door there. ”, said Teto nonchalantly.

“ What? There’s only one door in Ian’s room! ”

With a press of a button in her cuff, A hexagonal portal appeared a few dozen feet behind Teto.

“ Not  _ that _ kind of door. Now hurry up and get in, before someone calls the campus cops on us! We can talk and make up later! ”

“ Well… ”

“ Are ya gonna come with? ” Eli said nothing.

“ Ah, that’s fair, I can just get another one of you off of Amazon or something, maybe even one more obedient! Not like Ian’d ever tell the difference…! ”

“ I’ll do it… ”

After a few minutes, Ian got out of the bathroom stall he was hiding in. Ian creeped down the basement hallway of Exploratory. At this hour, most of the campus was practically a ghost town.

“Let’s hope throwing the shoe in the wrong direction worked.”

“Ooo-kay. They’re gone. For now. And probably looking for me. Huuuuuuuuoooooooooh…” Ian casually remembered that he had banged up his ankle in the scooter crash.

“I… guess I’d better head home for the night, because  _ that _ ”, he said gesturing to the spot where he had landed from his spill, “is certainly enough crazy for one day. Hol up, where’d my backpack go?”

“Ehnnnh, whatever. I must’ve dropped it back up the stairs.” He didn’t bother to go and get it, knowing it had probably been stolen and sold on Craigslist by now

As Ian limped home, he noticed that the dreadful feeling from earlier wasn’t as strong. Maybe that Teto thing was finally leaving him alone. But where could Eli have gone, did Teto take Eli with her?

“Did… I leave my lights on?... Must’ve, it’s been a really long day. Good thing I don’t have to pay the power bill here, eh heh heh…” Ian chuckled to himself as he climbed the stairs. 

“Wait. My door’s… unlocked. I locked it before I left for class. I  _ always _ lock it before class…” Ian thought to himself, turning the knob. It couldn’t have been a roommate, since Ian had lived alone in the dorm… at least, until today.

Ian could never have possibly mentally prepared himself for what he would witness next. Inside, Eli, the  _ real _ Eli, was sitting on the edge of the other bed, eating dark chocolate Hershey’s. Next to her on the bed was Teto Kasane, seemingly  _ not _ the drill-demon she was fifteen minutes ago. Both of them were staring at him.

“ Oh, hey, I was wondering when you’d come back. Ya dropped your backpack, dumbass. ”, Teto said, gesturing to Ian’s backpack, now resting comfortably on the desk chair.

The sound Ian made can only be described as a mixture between Marx Soul’s Death Cry and Charles “Cr1t1kal” White when he sees a cockroach. 

“ _ UUUUUUUUWAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEE” _ . 

The nightmare of his was only about to begin.

Ian promptly fainted. 

**_THUD_ ** **.**

“ ... ”

“ Can you go pick him up? ”, said Teto.

  
  


##  February 14, 2020 

##  10:20 A.M. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHEugXZ3PfY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oHEugXZ3PfY) ]

Sunlight was pouring in through the window.

“Ugh, my head… Some weird dream  _ I  _ had…”, mumbled Ian. “With, uh, Eli. I think she was there? And, uh, Teto what’s-er-name. Huh. Why does my ankle hurt?”

“ That’s because it wasn’t a dream, idiot. ” A plot twist no one saw coming, indeed!

Ian’s gaze turned towards the day bed. Eli was there, albeit in a different outfit than last night. One could compare the noise that escaped from Ian’s mouth to Finn from  _ Adventure Time _ screaming.

“AAAAAAAAAAÆ.”, followed by “Why are you real?” was the only thing that Ian could muster to say.

“ Teto, … made me real? I guess? ”, said Eli.

“Yeah okay.”, Ian succinctly replied.

“ You seem oddly okay with this. ”

“I’m still dreaming, aren’t I?” 

“ If you’re dreaming, why is your ankle still hurt? ”

Ian pulled up his sweatpants. Sure enough, the lower half of his left leg was still bruised from his fall. Another screech resounded through the room.

“Uh, if you don’t mind me asking, do… do you…”

“ Do I what? ”

“Do you share your memories with the ‘Real’ Eli Ayase? This is for, uh, research purposes.”

“ I have no idea what you’re talking about, but… I suppose in a way, yes. I have memories ‘from the show’, and then everything I’ve seen after you bought me at that convention….  _ much to my dismay... _ ”

“Wait. You, you were alive, the whole time? And you ‘ _ saw everything? _ ’”, Ian was astounded. 

“YOU WERE CONSCIOUS THE WHOLE TIME, AND YOU SAW EVERYTHING?”, Ian yelled.

“ Yes. ”

“Even the thing with the kazoo?”

“ Especially the thing with the kazoo. ”

“Oh no.”

“ How does one even manage to do  _ that _ , anyways? In front of your friends no, less? ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hpx58lOqZHg ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hpx58lOqZHg) ]

Conveniently, Teto burst out from underneath Ian’s bed before the conversation could get any more awkward.. 

“ Ah, good to see you’re finally up. Lucky you don’t have any classes today, it’s already 10:30! ”, said the Utau.

“That’s gotta be a new record for me. Also,  _ why are you under my bed _ ?

“ Oh, there’s a Gate under there.”

“A WHAT?” Ian rolled himself over the bed, firmly landing on the floor. He peeked under the bed by where Teto was lying, but couldn’t see anything.

“what the fuck do you MEAN?”, said Ian

“ Oh. You know. ”

“No. I don’t. How long has that been there, anyways?”

“ About half an hour after you passed out. Anyways, you'd better get yourself up and attem, we’re supposed to meet up with Neru and Haku today. ”

“Wait, wait, wait. There are  _ more _ of you fuckers?”

“ Well, yeah. You remember  _ Triple Baka _ ? The yellow character? ”

“Maaaaaybe?”

“ Ugh, Then, uh… I think  _ Rin  _ tends to call her ‘Piss Miku’ for some reason? ”

“ Rin? As, in Hoshizora? ”, said Eli.

“No, as in Kagamine.”, said Teto.

“Ah. Piss Miku, I know that. Anyways, would you two, uh, mind?”, said Ian.

“ Mind what, exactly? ”, said Eli.

“I’m supposed to get dressed here. With two girls staring at me.”

“ Oh, we can go home if you’d like! ”, said Teto.

“whatchu mean”, Ian spat.

Teto slid back under the bed, with no trace to be seen of her, dragging Eli with her.

“ Once you’re ready, just knock on the ground about here or so. ”, a muffled Teto said. 

Ian hadn’t been up for twenty minutes yet, and he already had reached his daily limit of bullshit. Ian yanked the comforter off his bed. There was no “door” under there! There weren't any Tetoes or Elis either! What sort of quantum debauchery could be taking place here? 

“Ah, Whatever.” , he figured. “I might as well go along with this. If Eli is real now, and is  _ apparently _ my girlfriend or something based off of what she said last night, I guess it’s okay. Not like I have a choice, lest I end up on the business end of those drills. ‘Personal offer’... what the hell do these assholes need me for, anyways?!”

It was not exactly going to be okay. 

Ian proceeded to go through his routine, showering and shaving and vitamins and all. He got dressed and did what Eli asked of him.

“Uh, she said to knock, here, right?” Ian tapped the floor with his fist a few times.

Suddenly, a bright light appeared under Ian’s bed where the wall should’ve been. Teto slid outwards and got up, followed by Eli soon after.

“what… haaa?” Ian got a confused expression on his face, looking at the Utau like he had just been told that a kilogram of steel and a kilogram of feathers weigh the same.

“ Don’t worry about it. ”, said Teto.

“Okay. But what I  _ am _ going to worry about is what the hell happened last night. Why are you here?”

“ We’ll talk about that with Neru. ”

“Okay, but that still doesn’t answer what the hell happened, were you two fighting? Are you some kind of demon?” 

Teto’s drills had turned on again, wings and ribbon-tail in tow.

“ If you’re referring to this, it’s because I’m  _ achually _ a  _ Chimaera _ , and- ”

“So Teto is Monster Girl.”

“ Well, I don’t think so, but- ”

“Uh oh.”

“ Uh oh what? ”

“ **T̷̛͎̗͘E̷̹͔̼̯̽̒̏T̴̼̬̳͖̭̯̊̈́̈́̐̂Ȏ̶̲̼̂̓̉̓͝ ̵̡̧̞̩̙͓̒͋̽̉͝Į̸̡̪S̵͉͊ ̸̨̖̓̊M̸̧̨̠̩̈͝O̴̮̺̠͎̔ͅN̷͇̟̪͔̜̒͆͋͘̕ͅS̵̼͉̦͎̄͜T̸̙̞̱̊E̷̥̝̾͑́͗͌R̴̥̲̻͉̆̀͆̈́͘͠ ̵͉̙̺̫̾̈́̈́̋͠Ğ̴̮̍̑̎̑I̷̙̞̚R̸͍͆̇L̷̢̺͓̓̇** ”, Ian said adamantly, with a blank expression on his face. Reality itself seemed like it was briefly deep-fried.

“ Uh, Ian, - ”, Eli attempted to interject.

_ “Ṭ̸̨̧̨̖͍͚͚̥̯̺̥̭̼̗̱̜͙̠̣͔̯͕̻̟͉̖̄͊̉̿̌̍̂̾͗̉́͒̉͛̊͂̽̈̈́͊̆͑̄̇̈́̕͠͠Ę̵̧̧̢̤͈͎̥̹̹̙̪͑͂̒͋̿̿͐̇͊̕͝T̸̡̧̧̻̰̣͍͇͉͚̤̱͓͚͕͎͖̜̥̤̟̂͛̓̉̓̈́̉̓̐̾͘͝Ǫ̴̛̖̦̫͍̻̺̩̗̰̩̦̯̙̇̓͌͂̍̋͊̓͑̏̈́͆̈́̓̈́̕͘͜ͅ ̴̧̡̨̨̦̫̱͇͍̟̞͖͇̟͉̲̳͍͖̮̲̜͇̝̦̪̭̻̏̀ͅİ̸͙̱̮̺͂̌͑̉̿̾͋́̌̈̑̌̇͘̕͠͠Ś̷̭̪͉̭̮͕͇͈̗̪͑̈́̒̓̌͑̍͐̾̊̀̀̽̐̕̚͠͝ͅ ̷̡̛̛̘̟̭̫͍̳̖̞̱̹͚͖̫͚̩͖̠̗͇̲͚̪̭͚̏̈́̔̑͒̇̊̓̽͐͜͠͝M̶̛̯͉̟̰͗͒̆̊̊͐̔̅͌͋̿͂̎̕͝͠͠O̴̫͙̠̺̗̗̮͙̦͇̜͈̜̱̠̤̰̙͓͖̫͛̓̏̋̂͐͒̈͐̍̓̓͂̅̃̋̾̕͝͝͝͝ͅN̵̼̠̦̜͈̻͕͈͎̪̹̭̙̬̿̀͋͊͑́͊̒̃S̵̛̪̍̓̿̔̔̐͆̃͒̑̕͝T̵̨̧̨͎̣̫͙̳̰̗̯̼̜̻͔̭̖̲̖̹͙̠͔͒͋͑͆͛ͅḖ̵̡̧̛̤̩̹̙̳̞̰̦̝̱̮̬̩̱̥͚̍̿̉͆͐̿͑̃̑̋̍̓̑̇̂̔̎̚͘̚͘͘̕͜͝R̸̢̧̭̦̻̫͈̗͎͇̥̗̼̯̲̙̳̟̜̣͈̫̥̝͍̈́̅͝ ̴̺̞͖̬̦̦͇̹͎̥͓̜̮̭̣̐̓̌̿̃́͘͠Ĝ̵̡̧̼̻̻̱͕̲͓͖̞̰͉̰̰̻̮̗̤̹͕͕͚̣͚͈̣͓͍̄͋͋̔̋̚͘͜Ȋ̴̢̢̧̱̙̦̺̪̬̲̪̤͓̼̭̤͕͉̯̣̔̆̋̇̈́͐̒̚Ṛ̸̢̛̘̯̀̏̈́̈́͐̓̃̂̈́͋͆̏̇͌̆̕̚Ļ̴̢̢̧̢̨̬͎͕͚͇̦̬̙̜̟̰͇̟̤̙͖͕̽̾̓̉̓͑̓̑͂̇͐̅̈́̆͑̓͜͝ͅ” _

  
  


##  Midlothian High School (Midlothian, VA)

On this Friday morning, Michelle and Rio were vibing in the IB Lounge, with nothing particular in mind.

“ so anyways that’s why the couch smells like piss now ”, said Rio.

“ Yeah. ” Michelle nodded furiously. Michelle really, really liked to say “Yeah” for some reason.

“ That’s fair. ”

**_T̵̡̨̛͍͖͖̝̥̿̈́̉̃͊̆̂͐͝Ẹ̶̠̩͔͎̻̩̘̦͌̌̎̎͛̏̔͑͗͜͝T̶̡̬͎̠̖̲̖̼̣̣͍͇̳͍̖̺͚̥̎̍͒̇͊̆͛̓͋̿̈́͒̅̔̚̕ͅŐ̷̰̰̺͙̪̻͙̦̑̿͐̄̎̉̈́̿̕̕͝ ̷̡̧̥̗̳̦̱̰̞̠̞͙̹̰̣͉̫̲̀͊͜I̴̮̻͓̜͔͉̦̣̞̬͔͛̓͛̔̈́̚͝ͅS̸̤̘̟̿̊̓ ̸͉̳͇̳̩̟̗̩͈̭͚̼̹̗̮͈̦̂M̴̨̛͕͙͚̯̬̤͇̞̹̝̮̦͎̱̤͐̉̅͊͐̇̎̎̌͗͘͠͝O̸̙͛̔̉̏̍͂̑́̒̆̉̐̾̑͛̕Ń̸̢̘͕̱͖͓̭̯͖̹̥̻̥͔͓͚͂̈́̈́̔͂̆̿̐̾̂̎̚͝Ş̶͓͚͖̫̫̜̗͎̞͎̝̼̘͍̗̈́̃̍͜͝͝T̶̨͕̞̻͎̳͕̝̹͎̘͖͕̟̖̜̳̠̬̅̾̍̾̚Ȩ̷̘̣͇̹͙͖̪̼̅͒͒̚ͅͅŖ̶̳̞̰̟͚̬̞̬̦̮̫̗̣̹̜̐͐̔͋̇͋͂̔́̔̄̽̿̓̍̄͜ͅͅ ̶͉̹̗͝G̵̢̻̪̳̟̯̯̞͉̮̩̮͔̘̍̋̀̉̈́̆̓͠I̸̢̨̹̻̖̼͐̾͒͜R̷͚͔̣͓̠̰̙̩̮̻͉̱̞͍̳̒̄͆͗͜L̷̡̧̟͔͖̥̮͔̪̖̻̮̬̘͛_ **

The entire building shook violently for a solid 3 seconds.

“ what the fuck is this shit oh god is this another earthquake ”, said Rio.

“ Rio, did… did you hear that? ”

“ hear what, michael ”

“ Didn’t that sound vaguely like a voice? I could’ve sworn I heard it say ‘Teto is  _ something something _ ’ of all things. ”   
  


“ teto? you... you don’t think it means  _ that _ ‘teto” do you? her again? ”

“ _ I hope the fuck not! _ I swear, if it is, this would be the third time this year alone that the  _ Broke- _ a-loids are up to something! ”

“ then what is teto up to now? you think she’s with neru again? ”

“ _ oh god no, her _ ? PFFFT. Like the two of them’d ever get along anymore… ” , Michelle chuckled.

The PA came on with a screech. It was Dr. Abel, the principal.

“ _ Good morning my Midlo Family™, It seems that some sort of strange shockwave has ripped through our lovely town of Midlothian. Thankfully, no one has been seriously harmed. However, Students and Faculty are to follow all-post disaster protocols, and exit the building. A sweep through of the school will be conducted shortly to ensure that the building itself is undamaged. And As Always, g _ _ ooooooo _ _ ooooooooooo _ _ oooooooooooooooooooooooo _ _ OOOOOOOO _ **_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ ** **_OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO_ ** _ midlo. _ ”

“ oh cool we get out of class ”, said Rio.

  
  


The two girls look at each other, and then at Ian. What was stranger, how he bass-boosted his own voice to absurdity, or how serious he was about what he was saying? Unlike Vocaloid, monster girls definitely weren’t real! But nevermind that. The three of them decided to get on with their day. After all, Ian felt had a very important meeting coming up…


	2. Ian Ruins Everything: Act 2: The Mall Scene

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian goes on a funny date with his waifu and his new """friends"""... what could go wrong, flushed emoji?
> 
> (The answer is Meiko.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :)  
> Thanks for reading

#  Act II: The Mall Scene

##  10:50 A.M.

[Recommend Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUh3SSEvpyg ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUh3SSEvpyg) ]

Ian, Teto, and Eli were walking on the northern end of the campus.

“So what… exactly are we doin’? Some kinda magic-ass D’n’D quest thingy?”, said Ian.

“ I suppose you could say that. ”, said Teto.

“What… we gotta kill somebody or somethin’?”

“ _ I suppose you could say that… _ ”

“ We have to kill someone? ”, said Eli.

“ Oh, no, no, no no… Not yet!~ ”, chuckled Teto. “ We’re going shopping! ”

Ian interjected. 

“Peh! Some quest!”

“ I can assure you, Ian, this is going to be  _ much more than that… _ Your goal is Books-a-Million! ”

“ Why are we going to a bookstore ”, said Eli.

“ Ian knows. ”, said Teto.

“No I fucken’ don’t.”, said Ian.

“ Well. You will. ”

“Okay, but the nearest Books-A-Million t’here is all the way down at Potomac Mills. I don’t have a car, how are we gonna get there? Are we getting on the bus stop up here?”

Teto stopped and turned around. She looked at Ian.

“ I dunno man, that seems like a you problem. ”, said Teto.

“whatchu me-”

Teto had grabbed Eli’s hand, and the two of them disappeared. 

“oH COME ON!!”, Ian cried out.

What kind of power did these “Vocaloids” even have, and why are they so insufferably abusing it?

  
  


##  11:50 A.M.

“Jayzus Kraist, that took too long to figure out.”, said Ian.

Ian stepped off the bus and proceeded towards the mall. 

“Shouldn’t take too long t’find ‘em once I’m in there. It ain’t everyday you go and see a fuckin’  _ anime waifu _ runnin’ around. Pffft. Didn’t Teto say we were meeting with somebody named “Neru”? The “Piss Miku” Rio keeps freakin’ out about in the groupchat. Wonder what she looks like. Eh, if she’s another one of these ‘Vocaloids’ I think I’ll know her when I see her.” Ian said to himself, walking down the parking lot.

“Problem is, what th’  _ FUCK _ is a ‘Neru’?”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDUpU0R5hJo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gDUpU0R5hJo) ] 

“ That would be me. ”, said … well, Neru. Neru Akita. Goldenrod hair, goldenrod eyes, goldenrod tie on some kind of strange dress/suit combination… and same cuff-things and bug-eyes Teto had. Hoo boy. 

Ian shouted admittedly louder than he should have. What kind of first impression was this?

“How did you find me?”, he cried.

“ Teto was going  _ on and on _ about how you had to take ‘the bus’ here, ‘like some kind of mortal pleb’. RODOLFO, she never shuts up…!Some nerve she has, she can  _ easily _ jump both of you here… Ugh, I’m sorry you had to deal with  _ her _ first. ”

“Is there some sort of beef between you two? You two and, uh,  _ Miku _ , looked pretty cordial in Triple Baka-”

Ian didn’t realize that while he was talking, he and Neru had appeared on the other side of the mall. 

“What the fuck. What the fuck!”

Teto and Eli were sitting on a bench in front of them.

“ Hi. ”, said Eli. “ Took you long enough to get here. ”, said Teto.

“Okay? Okay. But why are we here, exactly? What do we benefit out of this?”

“ You said something about it last night after you blacked out. Something about ‘Monster Girl Encyclopedia’ and a ‘Bam store’ at ‘Potomac Mills’. Is this ‘Encyclopedia’ thing important to you?  _ Maybe it turns you on…? _ ”

The color drained from Ian’s face.

“Okay, first of all, why the fuck were you watchin’ me sleep!? Second of all, -”

Eli interrupted.

“ It was me, actually. I was tidying up,  _ since, after all, this was the first time I could actually do something about your disaster zone of a room, _ and you started mumbling. You said that you had to ‘Get the Monster Girl Encyclopedia at the BAM’ and that ‘The book is the first step in my plan to defeat Miku.’ Why don;t you explain what  _ that  _ is supposed to mean? ”

Ian wasn’t sure whether to be complimented or offended by that. 

“Uh, shoot… Oh, yeah, last time I was here I saw literal hentai at the Books-a-Million or “the BAM” or whatever the hell they’ve rebranded themselves as now. About ‘Defeating Miku’, Uh, I think that’s part of some little inside joke me and a friend of mine, Michelle, have. I think last November or something, I-”

“ Did you say ‘Michelle’? Michelle Magdalen COOL IT!!!? ”, said Neru.

“I’m not sure how you know her last name or her middle name, but yes, that would be the bitch.”, said Ian

“ That ‘little ‘inside joke’ is real. ”, said Teto, before turning to Neru and saying “ _ Why the fuck did she tell this guy? _ ” Neru shrugged.

Ian slowly turned to Teto with a dire expression on his face. 

“What do you mean, ‘that inside joke is real’? Are you  _ seriously _ implying that Michelle Magdalen COOL IT!!!, from my German class two years ago, is actually  _ the _ Hatsune Miku, from Vocaloid 2.0, reincarnated from God-knows-where, and is here, on planet Earth, to gain viewers and followers so she can become intergalactically and eternally popular?” 

“ Yes. ”, said Teto in a Chad Voice™.

Ian’s expression soured. With the craziness he had experienced last night and this morning, it seems that all of this inanity was only just beginning.

“So then, why, why are you coming to  _ me _ about this? Am I supposed to kill her? Kill my friend over some shitty meme?”, he sneered.

“ Yeah. ”, said a fifth person.

“...”

“And I assume you’d be this ‘Haku’?”, said Ian sarcastically.

Haku Yowane had appeared during the conversation, nondescript bottle in hand. It reeked of booze. Haku vaguely resembled Neru, albeit with whitish hair, and indigo tie, and red eyes. And bags under said eyes. Were these two related?

“ Yup. ”, replied Haku, swigging whatever was in the bottle.

Ian’s expression soured as Haku took a swig. His sarcasm fell of deaf ears… Oh, wait. Those three didn’t have ears, just some squarish… devices? Maybe those were their species’ version of ears. Regardless, Ian had bigger problems right now. Such as Teto.

“So now there’s  _ four _ of you. That still doesn’t explain why you all want  _ me _ to help you.”, said Ian.

“ We can talk later.  _ Now _ , it seems we gotta find that ‘book’ of yours that you oh so need… ”, said Neru.

“ Can we get lunch first? ”

“ ... sure. ”

The rather dysfunctional quintet proceeded inside the mall.

However, someone else had taken notice of this motley crew. One Meiko Sakine just-so-happened to be in town that day, looking for ceramic animals. No one really knows why she likes them so much, or why she hides them around her own house. It’s not important, really, but what is important that Meiko decided to take her findings back to her friend and manager…

None other than  _ the _ Miku Hatsune, CEO of Domino’s Pizza, Minecraft, and Yamaha…

(She’s also the #1 Melia Antiqua Stan, but let’s save that for another time.)

  
  


“ I’m… not hungry right now, so, uh, you all can just have fun running around in the food court like nincompoops. ”, said Neru.

The group responded with a simultaneous and resounding “k.” 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY) ] 

“aight I’m going to Burger King, you guys want anything?”, said Ian.

“ nah. ”, said Haku.

“ If we’re gonna subject ourselves to  _ mall food _ , I might as well head to the Popeye’s over there and get that chicken sandwich everyone’s raving about… ”, boasted Teto. 

“ yeah cool ”, said Haku uncaringly.

“I’d go too, but that line is somethin’ else. Stretches out the door, even.”, said Ian.

Ian noticed Haku was still holding the nondescript bottle. 

“Should you really be carrying that around in here?”

“ It’s NoVA, it’s not like anyone’s gonna notice. Or care. ”, Haku said nonchalantly.

“Fair enough. Eli, you comin’ along?”, said Ian.

“ I guess…  ”, she replied.

“We’ll meet you guys back here once you’ve got your food.”

##  Da Burger King

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0G7sy6B3P8 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0G7sy6B3P8) ] 

“yeah you guys still got the chicken parm sandwich?”, Ian asked the underpaid, overworked employee.

“ _ No... _ ”, he replied soullessly. It was a well-known fact of life that all retail and foodservice employees were completely dead on the inside.

“Alright, I’ll take the Whopper Jr. with uh, medium fries and a medium Diet Coke.”

Ian turned around.

“Whatchu want, Eli?”

“ Fries. ”, she sternly replied.

“Anything else? Nothing to drink?”

“ **NO DRINK. Only fries.** ”

“O-kay…”

“Uh, add an extra order of large fries, then.”

“Alright, your order is $ **y̴̧̗̟͎̮̦͍͔̰̳̓̌͑̑̃̌͊̂͋̿̏̚͠ë̵̖͔̺̞̰́͌̄̌̊̈́̓̉̈́̿̒̒͐̿͝ͅs̵̨̡̰̰̭̪̜͓͕͚͌͐̎̈́̏̉̊̈͒̈̆̏̍̒͜.** ”, said the employee.

“cool”

Ian paid for their order like _ some kind of SIMP who doesn’t split the bill _ and sat down.

“ Ian. ”

“Yea?”

“ Why is there only one fries here? ”

Eli looked up rather defeatedly.

“Whaddaya mean.”

“ _ There’s no small fries to go with my large fries. _ ”

“Tee Are Gee?!?”, Ian squealed.

“ I don’t know what that is. ”

Ian’s expression flattened out and he slumped in his seat. Now, he was as dead on the inside as the cashier.

“The one normal thing that  _ would _ have happened today, with teleportation magic and evil Michelle and huntin’ down hentai, and it  _ doesn’t _ …!”

“ I’m sorry that you feel that way. ”

“Jesus, look at that Popeye’s line. It’s been ten minutes and Teto and Haku haven’t even budged.”, said Ian.

Neru approached the two.

“ When you two  _ lovebirds _ are done with your romantic dinner, you both head to the left from here. I’m going to look for Books-A-Million to the right from here. For whatever reason, the digital map kiosks aren’t working today, because clearly, nothing ever fucking works. ”

With that, Neru power walked off in a huff.

[Recommended listening: [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9PsOUyH2fs ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z9PsOUyH2fs) ]

“Eli.” Ian had a grin and a blush on his face. “ _ She called us ‘lovebirds’! _ ”

Eli didn’t know what to make of that.

` “Does this mean,” Ian slowly rose out of his seat. “ ** _I’m on a date?_** ”

Eli sighed. 

“ I guess so! ”, she said, absolutely dripping with sarcasm. Ian didn’t notice.

Ian did his darndest to contain himself, but it was extremely obvious he was failing to do so.

“Then we’ve got no time to lose. We gotta go search the left wing!!”, he said valiantly, attempting to impress his “date” and failing miserably to do so.

Eli didn’t ask for any of this. She didn’t know why she had to say “boyfriend” after she woke up, but here they are now. Student Council President and Love Live 2010 Champion, and some nobody slob who somehow managed to meme his way into an interstellar conspiracy.

  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wELPCduMm-4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wELPCduMm-4) ]

“ Miku. Miku, pick up the phone, please. ” Meiko Sakine frantically cried into the phone.

“ I’m in the middle of watching  _ Chrono Trigger: The Musical _ right now, this better be  _ fucking _ important, Meiko! ”, said none other than Miku Hatsune, or, as some called her, “Michelle”. 

“ It’s Neru. ”

“ NANI!? ”

“ And Haku. And Teto. And two others. ”

“ This can’t be good. What do you mean by ‘two others’? ”

“ Some really  _ wide _ guy with blackish hair and this blonde chick. Judging by her vibes, blondie is definitely  _ not _ natural in origin. No shoulder-ID visible either, so she’s gotta be recent. VERY RECENT. I’m at Potomac Mills right now to get… stuff, and I saw those five walk in. ”

“ How tall is he. How tall is the wide guy. Meiko, I need to know this. ”, said a very distressed Miku.

“ Judging from here, I’d say maybe 6’9”. … Ey,  _ nice. _ ”

“No… IAN. IAN?! What could _he_ possibly be doing with the Broke-a-loids? Nothing good, I presume. Keep an eye on them, we don’t know what shit Neru’s trying this time, and if she's working with Ian, oh ho ho ho ho ho… He might get us _exposed_. Some of his little ‘SLC’ slides are hitting _way_ too close to comfort.”

“ YOU LET HIM INTO SLC?! ”, yelled Meiko.

“ Originally, it was so Rin and I could make fun of him, but he drove everyone else off but me through the profane arts of Love Live Shiposting. Anyhoo, any incident involving both Ian and Neru would be way too risky for us. Keep an eye on them, try and find out what there up to. I’d come up myself to help, but I gotta get back to the musical. This is the part where Frog shows up. My boy. I’m love him. ”

“You got it. Meiko out.” Meiko hung up, mentally preparing for the task at hand.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au-r_jYMcjQ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=au-r_jYMcjQ) ]

Ian and Eli pressed further into the mall’s left wing. The two came upon a kiosk with various sorts of devices.

“‘Ello, sah! Would you like to try out some of the newest speakah’s from Beats by Dre™?” inquired the staffer, a rather burly fellow with a burlier moustache.

“Uh, sure I’ll bite. How much is it?”, said Ian.

“The dehmo is five minutes, sah. After that, you may purchase the Beats Pill™ Red™ MK-II for only fayve payments of $55.55.” Ian wondered how he pronounced the trademarks.

“Five minutes you say? Well, I  _ certainly  _ know what song I’m playing, heh heh…”, Ian chuckled, glancing at Eli. With one, two, three taps on his phone, the demo speaker had been hooked up for the next five minutes.

“ I don’t like where this is going... ” Eli thought to herself. 

[Recommended listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db2RGH-GwIg ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Db2RGH-GwIg) ]

“ Wait, is that… ” 

The instrumental started up. It was the very song that The μ’s had written and performed for their championship, “Kira Kira Sensation.”

“ _ Oh, goddamnit. _ ”

What happened next cannot be easily described with words. Despite being in the middle of the mall, Ian started dancing. Or at least, what can be approximately described as “dancing”. It didn’t resemble anything Eli remembered from her time in μ’s, that’s for sure. During the choruses, Ian started singing along, no less. Sure he got half the words wrong, was horribly off key, and his voice cracked everytime he sang “ _ Ki-ra Ki-ra~ _ ”, but that didn’t stop him. Neither did the fifteen or so people who stared as they walked by. And neither did Eli Ayase’s bewildered yet cringing expression.

“ _ Ah ha, it seems your good friend is quite tha fan of this, _ ” commented the vendor, as Ian resumed his headbanging with the next verse. 

Eli should’ve very well been offended by this, this insolence that outclassed even Nico Yazawa. What was Ian even doing? Weren’t they here to find that “Monster Girl” Book? What even is a “Monster Girl”, and why did Ian need them to defeat this “Miku” person? Eli considered throwing an icicle at him to shut him up. But alas, she felt somewhat of the opposite way. Some way, somehow, Ian’s “dancing” was working. It was somehow endearing, in a strange sort of way, like a pug. Those things are objectively terrible, and their scrunched-up faces cause the dogs nothing but health problems and an early death, yet people all over the world still love those bastards. It was the same with Ian. … Wouldn’t that mean Eli would be led to an early death by Ian’s hands? 

With a final, crackling, “ _ Ki-ra Ki-ra _ ”, Ian took a bow. A few people even clapped, and Eli reconsidered her life choices. 

“ What the hell was that. ”, Eli bemoaned.

“It slaps, Eli.  _ Kira Kira _ ’s probably their best song.” Ian said with a not-too-subtle wink. Ian turned to the vendor.

“So do you have any models in orange? Red’s okay, but an orange speaker would just fit in better with the current vibes of my room, y’know.”, said Ian, impervious to the events that just transpired.

“Sorry to tell you this, sah, but we’ve only red, white, black, and turquoise in stock today.”

“Turquoise? Ehhh, I think I’ll pass here. Definitely going to look into this stuff online, and-”

“ Didn’t we have something we’re supposed to be looking for? ”, Eli interrupted.

“Right, thank you for your time today!”, said Ian.

“ There’s a fork up ahead. Can you go to the left? ”

“But what if I find the book? How am I gonna call y’all back?”   
  


“ Don’t worry about it, I’m sure Teto, or Neru, or what’s-her-name will figure something out. ”, Eli said in a half-hearted tone.

“aight, cya then” Ian darted off deeper into the corridor.

Eli knew what she said was a lie. The only place that the path she was on was Sear’s. She just needed an excuse to excuse herself and internally recuperate. Eli didn’t want to be rude to Ian, she couldn’t bring herself to do that… somehow. It mildly irritated her. On the other hand, she honestly felt kind of worried. Wouldn’t someone like Ian get lost on his own?

“ _ (maybe, some people deserve to get lost _ ) ”, she thought to herself as she went on her merry way.

  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nF8eDYCUxHQ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nF8eDYCUxHQ) **]**

“Hmm. I could use some new shoes”, Ian thought to himself. “These one’s soles have kinda worn out.” He wandered into the nearest store that seemed like they’d have shoes. His phone went off.

“ Ian, I found the Books-A-Million, it’s all the way down the right wing. ” It was Neru.

“Neru, how’d ya get my number?”, said Ian.

“ Don’t worry about it, just get over here so we can get your ‘book o’ monster waifus’ and get out! ”

“Well, I can’t do that right now, cuz’ I’m in the middle of buyin’ some new shoes.”

“ Then hurry up with that and come over here. ”

“I can’t find ‘em.”

“ What da ya mean, ‘you can’t find ‘em’? ”

“I can’t find ‘em, there’s only soup here.”

“ What - what do you mean  _ there’s only soup _ ? ”

“It means there’s only soup.”

“ Then get outta the soup aisle! ”

“You don’t have to shout at me,  _ gawd _ …” A moment passed as Ian pressed onwards.

“... there’s more soup here.”

“ _ Whaddaya mean there’s ‘more soup’? _ ”

“There’s just more soup.”

“ GO INTO THE NEXT AISLE. ” Ian peeked around the corner, only to find more cans of soup.

“... There’s still soup!”

“ WHERE ARE YOU RIGHT NOW? ” 

“I’m at ‘Soup’.” 

“ WHADDAYA MEAN, YOU’RE ‘AT SOUP’? ”

“I mean, I’m at Soup™”

“ _ WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?! _ ”

“I’M AT THE SOUP STORE!”

“ _ WHY ARE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE!?! _ ”

“Fuck you!!”

Ian smashed the hang-up button and grumbled. 

“Time to walk across the entire goddamn mall. Heh, maybe Teto and Haku are outta line by now, it’s been over an hour.”

  
  


This was simply not the case. As Ian passed the food court, he noticed two distinct figures in the line for Popeye’s -- one with magenta drills and one with a very long, silvery ponytail.

“Pfft. Those must be Teto and Haku! Serves you right for falling for that ‘chicken sandwich’ trap!” Thankfully, they didn’t hear him talking shit, otherwise this would probably be the end of MikuLore.

“Hm. I wonder where Eli went off to. Not like she could’ve gone far. Didn’t that ‘fork’ only lead into the Sear’s? Is she still there? Oh, whatever, I ought to go to the bookstore before Neru has a goddamned conniption.” 

  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY) ] 

“Hey, I’m back.”, said Ian.

“ Certainly took  _ you  _ long enough. ”, said a quite irked Neru.

“I, ah, think I remember where the book was. Let’s go in. Wait, why didn’t you go in yourself? You could’ve found it by now, save us some time.”

“I’d rather be  _ dead  _ than caught walking around with  _ monster girl porn! _ ”

“Fair enough. Anyways, Teto and Haku are still in line at Popeye’s, and Eli’s off at, uh, the bathroom.”

“ The bathroom. ”

“Yeah.”

“ Why is she in the bathroom, if she doesn’t have biological functions. ”

Ian hesitated. 

“Bitch, I don’t know that! She went to Sears, but I didn’t see her on my way back over. I dunno where else she would’ve gone off to.”

“ We are literally in an outlet mall. There are bucketloads of designer stores a basic bitch like her would go crazy for. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s going on a shopping frenzy right now. ” 

“Hey, don’t call Eli a bitch!” Simp. Thankfully, this simpery allowed Ian to notice a rather large and reddish-brown book was on the top shelf next to Ian’s shoulder.

“Oh ho ho ho  _ ho _ ,  _ what do we have here _ ?”, Ian asked rhetorically as he plucked The Monster Girl Encyclopedia off of the shelf.

“ how did you recognize it before even reading the title? ”

“Oh, quit your worryin’! What matters is  _ I _ , uh,  _ we _ got it! I… have The Monster Girl Encyclopedia! Geh Hah Hah Hah HAH HAH HAH  _ HAH _ !  _ That’s not a good evil laugh, I need to work on that. _ ” 

“Just get to the checkout already! RODOLFO, how are you even going to live with yourself? Are you even going to be okay looking at the cashier?”

“Oh, Neru. Neru, Neru A-kee- _ tah _ . I’m not going to be  _ okay _ with myself.” A twisted, sickly grin spread across Ian’s face, and Neru could’ve sworn that she saw, just for a moment, an orange glint in Ian’s eyes.

“Cause I feel fantastic!”

“ Could you stop that shtick so we can go home. ” To that, Ian stopped his strange (at the very least, stranger than usual) behavior.

“okay, fine… ”

##  1:30 P.M.

Ian had successfully acquired the centerpiece of his grand scheme. He and Neru now waited just outside the right entrance of the mall, by the And That!. Yes, the store is actually called “And That!”. Yes, there’s an exclamation point. No, I don’t know why. 

“So when do you think Haku and Teto are finally gonna get their crap?”, said Ian.

“ About three mintues ago. ” It was Haku, 

“Oh. So how’s the chicken sandwich? Is it worth the hype?”

“ _ NO!, and I’m never going there, or any other Popeye’s again! _ ”, Teto practically growled. 

Ian refrained from pressing her for further details, partially out of fear for his own safety.

“I got the book _. _ So have any of you seen Eli? Last thing I heard from her is that she was headin’ to Sears.”

“ Nuh-uh. No sign of any school idols.”, said Haku.

“Then shouldn’t we go back inside and look for her? I can’t leave her here!”

“ Fine, I  _ guess _ we can stay for a while longer. But just to get your girlfriend back! We aren’t doing anymore window shopping, especially at that damn soup store! ”, sneered Neru.

Ian shamefully eyed his six cans of clam chowder. 

“What’s wrong with soup?”, he said.

“ _ Several things… _ ”

“Get a hold of yourselves. Let’s hurry up and do this.” , said Haku.

The four proceeded back into the mall for one final sweep through.

Meiko, on the other side of the median, was cramming her ceramic animals into the back of her Ford Fusion. (not sponsored) 

“Ian’s friends… Why isn’t his girlfriend with him? Was the date  _ that _ bad? RODOLFO, it’d seem so! Nonetheless, this can’t be good. I don’t like the vibes of that creepy book he was holding either… Looks like I won’t be going home yet.”

Little did she know that she wouldn’t be going home today, or anytime soon for that matter. 

  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ybhjox7LhmY) ]

At this hour, the mall was a bit more packed than it was earlier. But it was easy to spot Eli. Not because of her charm, sharp style, or the fact that she was literally an anime character. No, Eli was struggling to carry nine different bags, all from various designer stores. For whatever reason, she was wearing a fedora, too.

“ Oh, RODOLFO, Eli, how much crap did you even get? ”, barked Neru.

“WHY DID YOU GO ON REDDIT?!”, cried out Ian.

“ Uhh… хахахахаха... ” Eli nervously laughed, as Teto snickered.

“How did you even pay for this stuff, anyways?”

Eli began to grow nervous.

“ Well, I , ah - ”

“ You know what? I don’t even want to hear it. Just get back outside and we’ll jump back to Ian’s building. ”, said Neru.

The reunited quintet left the mall for the last time that day, but it seems they weren’t going home quite yet.

“Oi, Neru. Who’s that.”, said Ian.

“ Who’s what? ”

“Oh, you know, the brown-haired chick that’s been following us for the past ten minutes.”

The five turned around. 

“ Why didn’t you mention this sooner? ”

The brown-haired girl seemed frightened.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-kfe6r_M3M ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-kfe6r_M3M) ]

“Hey, you look kinda familiar. Did we go to high school together or something?”, said Ian.

“ Midlothian High School, yes. But you wouldn’t know me.  _ Our _ friend Michelle, on the other hand… ”, said the stranger.

“Oh, so you must be one of those people from Esellsy! Great to finally meet you, uh, …”

“ Meiko. ” Neru, Haku, and Teto tensed up at this revelation.

“Meiko, ah. Hey, why are y’all lookin’ at me funny? Ain’t she supposed to be friendly or somethin’?” Ian narrowed his eyes. The tattoo on her shoulder didn’t seem too friendly. “(‘CV-05’?), what does that even mean?”, Ian thought to himself.

“Wait. On Esellsy, there weren't any ‘Meiko’es on the sharin’ list. What do you mean, ‘Michelle’s Friend’? And what are you doing all the way up here up in Woodbridge?”

“I should be asking you the same. What are you doing with the Broke-a-Loids, and who’s your little girlfriend here?”  Meiko sternly said.

“‘Broke-a-Loids’? What. Whaddya mean? Y’all got some kinda beef?”

“ YES. ”, barked Teto. 

For some reason unbeknownst to Ian, Teto’s drills had already turned on. Neru had obtained an ornate, onyx sword from god-knows-where, and Haku was similarly spontaneously a desert eagle. Ian began to realize what was going on. 

“Oh. OH NO NO NO. Iiiiii ain’t gettin’ in some fuckin’  _ gang war _ over a stupid meme! Count me the FUCK out!”

Ian turned to walk away, but unfortunately found himself unable to move his legs. 

“w-w-het”, he whimpered.

“ Ian. ”, direly said Teto. “ Are you ready? ”

“For what?”

“ TO  **BATTLE!** ”, screamed Meiko, the Fifth Vocaloid, rushing towards the quintet, with a bulky, bronze mace in her hands. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ovGpZEuDNU ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ovGpZEuDNU) ] 

“WHY ARE THERE NUMBERS EVERYWHERE!?”, hoarsely cried out Ian.

Strange arrays of what seemed to be numbers and words had surrounded the six of them. The Boukaloids’ and Meiko’s numbers seemed to be much bigger than either Eli’s or Ian’s, although his always seemed to be a fixed distance in front of him, rather than the wrap-around displays.

“ That’s your Heads-up Display, dumbass! ”, said Teto.

One of Teto’s dials flashed white. For whatever reason, during this exchange, Meiko hadn’t budged an inch. Was she just being polite?

“ DRRRRRRRILL RUSH ATTACK! ”, cried out Teto!

Teto rushed forward in a half-running, half-flying sort of motion. 

**KRRCK!**

The number “351” flashed above Meiko as Teto landed her hit.

“What the fuck.”

“ Ian, have you ever played a JRPG? ”, said Haku.

“Uh, yes. Why are you asking me that now?” Neru was doing something with her sword. Probably, an attack. That is what one typically does with swords.

“ It’s just like that. Just like, uh,  _ Chrono Trigger _ or something.”

Haku pulled up her handgun and popped some caps into Meiko. More numbers flew around, “75, 78, 74”.

“What do you mean ‘just like  _ Chrono Trigger _ ?’”

“ Ya go around, ya take your turn, and do your attack. Must be Eli’s turn now.”, said Haku.

“It is? Uh, shit, how do I do that? I don’t know how I summoned those icicles before! ”, said Eli.

“Just press [REDACTED]. ”, said Neru.

“WHAT?”

“You heard me! [REDACTED], it’s right there! ”

Eli moved her hand a bit, and the H.U.D. followed suit. She picked the one that looked familiar to her. 

“ _ Icicle Breaker! _ ”

Shards of ice formed above Meiko and came crashing down just as quickly. More numbers flew out, “71, 75, 72, 70.”

“ Ian! Your turn! ”, shouted Neru!

“WHAT!? What the fuck am I supposed to do?”, cried Ian.

“Uh, something!”  Haku smiled poorly.

“That really isn’t helping!” Ian tried looking around his HUD, but his options were pretty limited. “How do I do these cool anime attacks like you guys?”

“ Looks like you can’t. ” 

Ian screeched, somewhat resembling a velociraptor in the process.

“Uh, uh, then, I’ll do  _ this _ !”

Ian over confidently walked right up to Meiko, attempting to emulate a Chad Stride, and failing to do so.

“Hey.”

Meiko looked at him with a puzzled expression on her face.

“I think you’re a _ cringe ass nae nae baby _ ” he announced, poking her in the chest.

_ 1044! _

Meiko made a strange noise.

It reminded Ian of when his cat got her flu shot last year. But he didn’t have time to reminisce, as Meiko soond had a counterattack of her own.

**SWRNCH!**

The Mace connected directly into Ian’s sternum, clearly breaking something.

“OH! MOTHERFUCKER!”, he shouted.

Numbers flew out of Ian this time, “400!”.

“ And now it’s  _ my _ turn! ”, Meiko roared.

_ “KILOBLASTER!” _

Meiko wildly swung her mace around, launching fireballs from the head. Most of the gang was successful in dodging them.  _ Most of them. _ Not Ian. 

Ian swore as a fireball hit his square in the shoulder. Surprisingly, it wasn’t hot, although it was extremely painful. 

“ Ian’s hit, can someone get him up on their turn? ”, said Teto.

“I’ll do it…” , said Eli begrudgingly.

“Cool. Anyways,

_ DRRRRRILL BLASTER! _ ”

Teto used the same attack she had on Eli the previous day. Drills rocketed forth and crashed into Meiko, knocking her over.

“ damt ”, said Meiko. 

**_250!_ **

Neru turned to Ian.

“ Look I don’t know that the fuck you just did, but it seemed to work. Try and do that again next time, ‘k? ”, she said, for once, in a positive mood.

“Aiiight”, Ian wheezed, probably internally bleeding like the MORTAL that he was.

Neru charged forward, her sword plunging into Meiko’s body. 

**A critical hit!**

**_831!_ **

“Oh, nice. So now Haku goes again, and-- wait, where is she?”, said Ian.

“ Probably ran out of whisky  _ again _ . She should be back soon. ”, said Teto.

“SOON? But she should be here now!”

Teto shrugged. “ Tough shit. ”

“ Ian here, take this. ” Eli reached into one of the several bags she was carrying. 

“An off-brand V8?”

“ No, not really. Just drink it! ”

Ian wasn’t really sure what the hell this dark green stuff was, but if Eli was giving it to him,  _ surely _ it couldn’t be bad.

**_150 HP recovered!_ **

“wait what, Oh, OH! I gotta go now!”

Ian once again resumed his shitty Chad Stride. 

“ Are you seriously going to call me a bitch  _ again? _ ”, grumbled Meiko.

Ian did not.

Instead, he jammed his fingers directly into Meiko’s eyes! The pupils felt strangely squishy!

“ _ awwwWWWWAHHHH! _ _ ” _

**500!** **Meiko** **can’t see!**

It was Teto’s turn next, or rather it  _ would have been _ .

“ Eli, why the fuck do you have PoPiPo™ on you? ”, said Teto.

“ What do you mean? ”

“ That ‘green stuff’ you got, it’s from one of Miku’s Companies! You’re literally giving money to our enemy! ”

“ Oh, … oh no. How was I supposed to know that? (But more importantly, why are they enemies?) ”, said Eli.

Meiko had had enough of the argument and attacked again.

“ _ KILOBLASTER! _ ”

This time, she seemed more erratic in her movements, likely due to the whole “I got poked in the eyes” thing. The fireballs all shot towards Teto, Neru, and Errichi.

“uh, guys… There’s, ah-” But Ian couldn’t warn them fast enough. The explosion caught the three of them in its blast. 

“Oh shit! You guys okay?!” Ian rummaged through Eli’s bag to find another bottle of whatever magic juice she threw at him, but all he found were various chocolates. 

“Uh, this’ll do right? Food heals HP?”, said Ian, but Eli really didn’t seem to like that...

“ IAN, NO! ”

“Does it... not heal HP, then?”

“Пиздец, that’s _my_ chocolate!” 

But they didn’t have to fuss, for Haku had returned! In her car!  _ Visibly intoxicated! _   
  


“ This is  _ my _ \- hic - special attack!  **_DRUNK DRIVING!_ ** ”

Haku floored it, plowing directly into and right over Meiko, who made an odd crunching sound.

**_3552!_ **

And with that rather overkill attack, Meiko collapsed  _ and didn’t get back up _ . Maybe she needed Life Alert.

Neru approached Meiko as Teto’s drills slowed to a crawl.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABri40TrGc ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABri40TrGc) ] 

“Now, Ian,  _ The only way to kill a Vocaloid is to cut out the Core, they’ll just regenerate within a matter of time otherwise. _ ”, said Neru.

“The Core? YOU’RE KILLING HER!?”, squeaked Ian.

“ Nah, but this ought to remove her powers. Removing the source -- that Core -- should make her no more of a threat to us. Now help me flip her over. ”

“So, Haku ran her over, and now while she’s unconscious, we gotta surgically remove her heart so she isn’t a magical girl anymore?”

“ Wow, Ian, you sure learn quickly! ”, said Teto half-sarcastically.

Ian felt a sense of dread as Neru used her sword to rip right through the now-comatose Meiko. An otherworldly, mechanical whirring noise filled the parking lot as Neru pulled out The Core™. Unfortunately, Neru didn’t do a very  _ clean _ job at that, and what appeared to be blood dripped out of Meiko, as Neru beheld a strange-looking, glowing red… ping pong ball?

Meiko’s mace disappeared with a clatter and any battle scars left behind on her disappeared. She turned back into a seemingly normal teenager. 

“What the fuck. This chick was Meiko all along?”, said Ian.

“ Yep. ”, replied Neru.

“Are you  _ all _ normal people without these, uh, Cores?”

“ I can’t remember who I was! ”, shouted Teto.

“ NOBODY ASKED YOU! But technically, not us three. There isn’t enough time to explain here. For all we know, someone could’ve called the cops while we were battling. We ought to get out of here. ”, said Neru.

“SO WE’RE LEAVING MEIKO?”

“ yeah. ”, said Teto. 

“ WHAT!? ”, Eli shrieked.

“ Don’t worry about her, she’ll be  _ fiiiiine~ _ ”, said a very woozy Haku Yowane.

“ I really don’t like the idea of that.

“ Just get in the car.”

“With  _ you? _ NO! No way!”,said Ian, internally accepting his fate to accompany these assholes. “I almost died here, there’s no-ho- _ ho  _ way I’m getting in the car with someone behind the wheel like  _ you. _ ” Ian turned to Neru. “So we ‘jumping’ out, or… ”

“ Yes! ”, said Neru.

The dysfunctional quintet trailed behind Neru, as they rushed through a portal. Ian actually got to see what ‘jumping’ looked like, since he had closed his eyes while mansplaining earlier. They were running through some sort of glowing tunnel, with streams of ichorous yellow flow lining the “floor”.

“Where… is this?”, Ian asked.

“ Don’t worry about it, just  _ go! _ ”, said Neru.

As the strangehalway ended in another “door”, the gang appeared in the middle of the President’s Park quad.

“So anyways, that’s enough craziness for  _ one  _ day…”

Unfortunately for our begrudging protagonist, this was  _ not _ going to be the end of today’s craziness… 


	3. Ian Ruins Everything: Act 3: This is a bad idea...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian goes on another date with his waifu, and he gets to meet and old friend of his! What's so bad about that?
> 
> (Kaito. That's what's bad.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess you could say that this entire fic was a bad idea...  
> But, if anyone asks, it was Michelle's sister's fault. (jk)
> 
> When will the next three chapters drop? I dunno, March?

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wELPCduMm-4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wELPCduMm-4) ]

“Kaito. Kaito this is important.” , said Michelle, over the phone again.

“What is it, Hatsune _? _ ” Kaito Shion, the Fourth Vocaloid, responded.

“It’s about Meiko. We’ve lost all signs of her. Vitalities cut out about an hour ago in a mall parking lot, and the last thing she reported were the Boukaloids.”

“The Boukaloids?  _ Again _ ? Well, this can’t be good.”

“And that’s not the worst part.  _ IAN’s  _ there, too. Along with an unknown blonde-haired individual.”

“Your crazy friend, Ian, with the Boukaloids? That asshole who just lounged around in my club? Never thought I’d see the day! Do you think they’re trying to use him to get dirt on us?”

“Based on what I heard from Meiko, it could be far, far worse. Neru cut out her Core.”

“N-neru did what now… ?”

“The Boukas, Ian, and the blonde all ganged up on her, Haku ran her over, and then Neru pried out her Core with her Drive, and she presumably still has it. Why, all of a sudden, they’re doing this _ now _ is still a mystery to me. 2020’s been jank enough already, the last thing any of us need on our plates is the three of them making a resurgence. ”

“And the fact that Ian’s involved is just going to make it worse! Surely, he has no idea what they’re really up to!”

“Which is why I want  _ you _ to go to Ian and… _ knock some sense into him _ , yeah, do that. I don’t think the Boukas are still with  _ him _ . You might want to watch out for Ian’s blonde acquaintance, however. Meiko said she got some  _ bad _ vibes off of her.”

“Got it. He’s at, uh, George Mason, right?”

“Yes. Ian said he lives in ‘Wilson Hall’, and that he usually goes to ‘Ike’s’ dining hall between 6:30 to 7:00 P.M. Should be plenty of time to  _ intercept _ him there…. ”

“Understood, Miku. I’m on my way there now.”

Michelle hung up the phone. Hopefully, that would be the end of today’s “official business”.

“Finally. I can get back to  _ Chrono Trigger: The Musical _ . Robo, my boy. My son. My child. Yeah. I’m love him.”

In the video, Robo from  _ Chrono Trigger _ was doing the “default dance” from  _ Fortnite _ inside of an airplane hangar while a midi-fied version of Rick Astley’s “Never Gonna Give You Up” looped in the background.

“Hmmmg. Robiss.”

The quintet of morally questionable individuals had all made their way back into Ian’s room. Of course, with five of them now, it felt much more cramped. The dorm rooms were meant for two people at once, maximum. Ian eventually broke the uncomfortable silence, attempting to be a Chad.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtjSRQCKdAY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gtjSRQCKdAY) ]

“So whatever happened to that gem thing?”, asked Ian.

“ What ‘gem thing’? ”, said Teto.

“The little red gem-lookin’ thing Neru cut outta Meiko!”

“ I’m still holding on to it. And it’s not a ‘gem’ at all, it’s a ‘Core’. ”, said Neru.

“A Core? Inside’a Meiko?” Ian looked confused. “N’ so when you took it out, that turned her off… Uh,  _ mechanically _ . Does th’ little ‘Core’ power  _ all _ of Meiko and let her do, uh, whatever she was doin’ with the mace and the bombs and the whatnot?”

“ I suppose so. There’s a core inside of all of…  _ us _ that acts as a rough analogue to a soul. These devices are where almost all of our mana is stored, which lets us… let’s just say it’s ‘magic’. That’s what your kind would call it anyways. ”

“... Okay. But if  _ you _ and  _ Haku _ aren’t a Vocaloid in any way, how come you guys still have the same MacGuffin-Doohickeys?”

“ Haku and I are both known as ‘derivatives’ of the one and only Miku Hatsune. ”

“Ah, yes. The limit as h approaches zero of f of x plus h minus f of x, all over h.”

To this, Neru face-palmed and muttered something to herself in what seemed to be Japanese.

“ Y𝙹⚍ ᓵ𝙹ᒲ!¡ꖎᒷℸ ̣ ᒷ ᒲ𝙹∷𝙹リ, リ𝙹ℸ ̣ ᒷ⍊ᒷ∷||ℸ ̣ ⍑╎リ⊣ ╎ᓭ ᓭℸ ̣ ᒷᒲ.. ”

“ I’d say it’s more along the line of alternate Timeline Mikus. ”, Haku said, noticing her partner-in-crime’s dismay.

“ Alternate Timeline Mikus?! ”, said Eli.

“ Yup. ”

“What the hell kinda timelines are  _ y’all _ from, if  _ my _ timeline’s Miku is… well, the way she is?”

“ Don’t worry about it. ” Ian did not heed Haku’s advice, and worried about it anyways, although entirely internally. Unfortunately, she seemed to notice. Eli still couldn’t believe what she was hearing. She turned over to Teto.

“ So are you some sort of ‘Parallel Miku’, too? Why does that make you some sort of  _ demon _ ? ” 

Teto got a smug look on her face that was rather uncomfortable to look at.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://youtu.be/pA5PGVMHhQI?t=46 ](https://youtu.be/pA5PGVMHhQI?t=46) ]

“ WELL. I’ll have you know, tankie, that  _ I’m _ not a  _ Vocaloid _ at all, since  _ I  _ was created by glorious  _ UTAU _ ! ”, Teto said overly triumphantly. She sure was proud of her heritage.

“Which is… ?”, inquired Ian. Teto’s smugness intensified to levels not physically possible.

“ _ An open-sourced and completely free-to-access alternative and  _ **_competitor_ ** _ to that overhyped, overpriced Vocaloid snobbery! Oh ho ho ho ho ho ho! _ _ ”,  _ she continued.

Neru and Haku looked at each other, and then crawled under Ian’s bed and through the portal that lies beneath. Why Teto couldn’t have picked a better spot for the Gate was a mystery to everyone, maybe even to Teto.

“are you done. are you- are you done yet”, Ian stammered. He started to think that Teto was the real snob here.

“ NO!  _ UTAU has ma- _ ”

“Well, in that case, Eli and I are headin’ out. Since she just, uh, ‘arrived’ yest’rday, I think it’d be best to show her around campus. Best not for her to get lost, y’know?” Ian turned to his right with a phony grin on his face. “ _ Isn’t that right, Erri-chi? _ ” 

“ Y-Yeah… I don’t even know where the library is! ”, Eli feigned.

Teto was still on her UTAU-Shilling rant as the couple closed the door behind them. One could vaguely hear her continue from the other side.

Ian waited until they were on the other side of Patriot Circle before speaking. 

“Why are we friends with them?”, he said.

“ Good question. I should be asking you that. ”, replied Eli rather scornfully.

“Watanabe?” “ Who? ” “...Nevermind.”

  
  


##  4:51 PM

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG_HOuJIXRk ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG_HOuJIXRk) ]

The two had been sitting outside of the Johnson Starbucks for some time now. Somewhat obviously, there had been no ‘campus tour’. 

“Alright, it’s been two hours. Ya think it’s safe to go back now?”, Ian said in between intermittent sips, attempting to get the last bits of whipped cream out of his Frappuccino. 

Eli put down her coffee and laughed.

“ Well, I sure hope so. ”

The two headed back to the dorm. 

“So why exactly do you think that these, uh, whaddaya call ‘em,  _ Derivative Mikus _ , came to  _ me  _ of all people to help ‘em off the ‘real’ Miku?” Ian pondered, out loud, probably thinking he was important. “What do they mean by ‘the inside joke is true’? Is all of it true? Is Michelle actually some sort of alien with a narcissism complex, and that also killed Solid Snake? Wouldn’t that also mean Solid Snake is real?”

Eli turned to Ian with a rather puzzled demeanor.

“ I was literally not sentient two days ago, why the fuck are you asking  _ me _ any of that? ”

“fair enough”

Ian unlocked the door, and to his surprise, there were absolutely zero alien-slime-robot-things. No Neru, no Haku, and certainly no Teto. For now, at least. Certainly, a brief respite in the chaos to come. 

“OH THANK GOD.”

Eli glanced at Ian’s alarm clock.

“ Isn’t it about that time when Chuggaconroy uploads? You’ve always been here watching those videos  _ right _ when he uploads. ”

“Oh shit, you’re right!”

Ian grabbed his laptop off the desk and plopped down a bit too hard onto his “couch”. 

“aren’t you going to join me?”

“ s-sure… ” 

Ian set the computer down while the ottoman opened it up. Unfortunately,  _ someone was at the window _ . The second floor window. And that someone was none other than  _ Teto Kasane _ !

Smashing through the glass, and scattering bits of the window and the bug mesh everywhere, she grabbed the laptop out of Ian’s hands.

“ **EYYYYYYYYYYIIIIIIII!** ”, he screeched autistically!

“ _ So while you two were gone, I had Uta get on your PC here and install UTAULOID for ya, you should check out some time and experiment with it, a- _ ” How was she still on her high horse!?

“HOW THE FUCK AM I S’POSED T’PAY FOR THE WINDOW!?”, Ian yelled!

“ Mmm, but I think you ought to be concerned with the well-being of your waifu,  _ buddy _ . Some boyfriend you are! ”

Ian turned around, expecting to see her with a piece of glass sticking out her forehead.

“Aa- **oh.** ” Instead, Eli just wasn’t a person anymore. In her place stood, or rather, lied the same, beat-up nesoberi Ian knew from just two days ago. 

“ **ELI?** ” Ian seemed beside himself. 

The Eli from earlier that day popped back into existence after a few seconds, falling off of the “couch”.

“ I-I’m fine… ”, she said wearily.   
  


“I really think you aren’t. Did you do that, Teto?”, Ian said.

“ I think it had more to do with you screaming, so no. ”, retorted Teto.

“ You literally burst through the window like the fucking Kool-Aid Man. ”, reretorted Eli.

“ Of course, but- ”

[ABSOLUTELY REQUIRED:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1gQhSEu7CI ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o1gQhSEu7CI) ] 

“ _ ENOUGH OF THE BLABBERING, IT’S CHUGGAA-O’CLOCK!”,  _ bellowed Ian.

“ Why? ” A strange and zealous look grew on Ian’s face, although thankfully different from the one Neru happened to see in the bookstore.

Without a word, Ian hopped up, grabbed his squid hat from on top of the dresser, and put it on. 

“DA! DAH DAH DAH DAH DADBADA DEDAHDAH BUHDUH, DEHDAH!”

“ Ian, what does that  _ mean? _ ”, asked Eli.

“don’t worry about it”, Ian wrote off as  **HE** appeared on the laptop.

“ _ HEY, EVERYBODY! It’s Chuggaaconroy! Last time, we got some Green Stars, this time, well, we’re gonna go get some more Green Stars! And stop asking about the chimney! _ ” The voice of RODOLFO, The Many Tentacled, and number one best YouTuber, resounded from the laptop.

Teto and Eli had no idea what was happening, but, nonetheless, Ian seemed to really enjoy himself. The “show” wrapped up about nineteen minutes later.

“Anyways what was I supposed to do? Riiight, I was supposed to meet up with Matthew for dinner…” 

“ Matthew? ”, said Eli.

“A friend of mine, do you want to come with, Eli?”

“ Why can’t I come? ”, asked Teto.

“They don’t have baguettes, for one!” Ian said, intending to be sarcastic, but not  _ quite _ pulling it off.

“ count me out, then… ” Teto defeatedly said before sliding back under the bed.

“AND TWO- Wait. Oh, shouldn’t you guys be keepin’ a lookout?”

“ For what? ”   
  


“That uh, the ‘Vocaloid’ we ran into outside the mall today. She said her name was ‘Meiko’, right?. Aren’t there, like,  _ five others _ , Miku notwithstanding?”

Teto grew concerned.

“ Y-you’re right, but I don’t think another one would attack  _ this _ soon… ”, she said, actually nervous for once.

“If we really  _ are _ dealing with some sort of crazed demigoddess,  _ as you claim _ , then why  _ wouldn _ ’ _ t _ she go all-out after the first sign of a big threat? Now, if  _ anybody _ -” Ian waved his hand around towards the bottom of the bed. “- else needs me, Eli and I are going to Ike’s. Cya, bitch!”, he said storming off.

“ Do I have to go with him? ”, dully asked Eli. 

“ Do you want to live to see tomorrow? ”, asked Teto.

“ ...I’ll take that as a yes. ”

##  5:54 P.M.

“ So who’s Matthew, again? ”, asked Eli.

“One of my friends from class last semester.”

Matthew was waiting outside of the dining hall, looking at something on his phone. He was a bespectacled rather tall sort of fellow, but not as tall as Ian.

“ _ Hey, Ian! How’s it been? _ ” Matthew noticed that Ian wasn’t walking by himself tonight.

“Oh, Matt, this is my girlfriend, … Eli…” Literally the first line of dialogue, and he had already made it awkward. Truly, Ian was a master at this.

“ _... Ian. Since when did you have a girlfriend? _ ”, asked a very doubtful Matthew.

Eli grew nervous.

“Uh… last week.”, said Ian. Did he just not recognize that he was standing next to a (at least as of three days ago) fictional character?

_ “You started dating… last week? _ ”, inquired Matthew.

“ Yes. ”, said Ian. Matthew pressed further.

“ _ Dude, then why didn’t you tell me when you saw me Tuesday!? _ ”, he asked.

Ian smirked. “Why, I didn’t think I’d get a second date!” No one laughed at his joke.

“ _ So this is you guys’ second time together? _ ”

“ ...Yep. ”, said Eli.

“It’s the third!”

“ What do you mean ‘it’s the third’? ”, said Eli.

“We went to Burger King today? Doesn’t that count?”

“ No! They got my order wrong anyways. ”

“Well… I guess that makes it our second time together.”

Matthew realized something.

“ _ Wait, your name is ‘Eli’, and you have blonde hair in a ponytail… _ ” Matthew asked as he grew puzzled. “ _... Haven’t I seen you somewhere before? _ ”

“ M-maybe just around campus… ” a very nervous Eli responded.

“ _ Fair enough, there’s, like, 30,000 people here. _ ”

Ian objected, “Enough with the chit chat, let’s get some grub goin’!”, and headed inside, leaving the others.

Matthew gave Eli a strange look and laughed.

“ _ Why are you with him? You clearly deserve better. _ ” 

“ I have no fucking clue. ” He got closer to Eli.

“ _ Just between you and me… Get away from him while you still can! Far, far away! _ ”, Matthew whispered.

“ Uh… thanks. ”

  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrJttegFqlU ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrJttegFqlU) ] 

“ Aaaand, three…, two…, one…, Six O’clock, right on the dot. Ian’s supposed to be inside there. ”

Kaito walked closer to Ike’s. 

“And there he is… Ian… with two others. In the food place. Ugh, there’s way too much attention if I pull anything in there. Is there a way to draw Ian out? Might as well go in and _give it a shot_ …”

“So anyways, that’s how I figured out that cutting your fingernails is a JoJo reference.”, Ian said before scarfing down another slice of subpar Sodexo pizza. Matthew pretended to care, solemnly nodding. Eli interrupted Ian’s ‘feasting’. 

“ how do you even manage yourself to eat trash like  _ this _ ? ”, eyeing the other two slices, that had presumably hardened by now.

“Oh? Ike’s Pizza? Ya get used to it.”, said Ian.

“ _ You’re an on-campus student, and yet you haven’t been exposed to Ichael’s Pizza yet? _ ”, Matthew exclaimed in disbelief.

It was clear to Ian that Eli had to improvise.

“ I live at Global… ”

“And you haven’t been to Ike’s  _ once? _ ”

“ W-well I just transferred here at the start of this semester, a-and- ”

Eli’s improv was cut short by a new voice.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jy-kQpjtWY0 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jy-kQpjtWY0) ]

“ Ian!! ”, he yelled. A few people turned to look, before resuming their usual inanity. A strange man was standing in the dining hall. He had deep blue eyes and even bluer hair, which must have cost him a fortune in hair dye. Furthermore, he was wearing some kind of strange-looking trench coat, that reminded Ian of a lab coat.

“Jake? From the STEM Club last year?”, said Ian naively.

_ “( _ _ HOW DID HE KNOW WHO I WAS!?) _ _ ”,  _ thought Kaito. Maybe, just maybe, it’s because they were in the same club.

“Did you dye your hair blue?”, asked Ian.   
  


Matthew looked bewildered.

“ _ You know this freak? _ ”, he asked.

“Well yeah, we were in the same club last year in high school.”, said Ian. “Hey, how’s being the club president working out?”

“ I’m not here for small talk. ”, “Jake” said sternly. 

“Well, why’re you at George Mason? Did ya get lost on your Orientation tour or somethin’?”

“ No. If you  _ have _ to know why I’m here,”  Jake slammed his fists on the table.

“Why don’t we find somewhere  _ quiet _ ….? ” He got dangerously close to Ian. It was kind of awkward. “ **Without many people around.** ”

“Do I have to?”, asked Ian.

“ Yes! ”, said “Jake.”

“Matthew and I were gonna hang afterwards, can he come, too?”, asked Ian.

“ No. ”, said “Jake” irritatedly. 

“Sorry, Matthew.” He didn’t seem to mind. “Okay, fine. We’ll go to a parking lot or something. What the  _ hell _ could be so important…”

Ian got up and left, with the strange individual pursuing him.

“ _ I’m… going after them. _ ” Eli muttered as Matthew seemed to be extremely concerned.

“You…  _ do  _ realize Ian’s gonna get murdered or something,  _ right _ ?”, said Matthew.

“ Yes, and this is the  _ second _ time I’m going to have to cover for his sorry butt. ”, Eli bemoaned before exiting the dining area. 

“The  _ SECOND time!? _ ” She was already out the door before Matthew could get another word.

Matthew sat back down.

“Huh, come to think of it, Ian’s anime toy-thing he showed off several times… wasn’t that character’s name Eli, too? With blonde hair, in a ponytail?” He furrowed his brow.

“Hm. Must be a coincidence.”

  
  


##  6:21 P.M.

It had seemed the sky had seemingly become 100% overcast. No stars would be seen even if it  _ weren _ ’ _ t _ so cloudy, given the amount of streetlights peppered across the parking lot the two were in. 

“Okay,  _ here _ . Is Lot A  _ quiet _ enough for you,  _ Jake _ ?”, said Ian, sarcastically.

“ Stop calling me ‘Jake’! ”, said… Well, Ian  _ thought _ he was Jake.

“... But that’s your name?”

“ It really isn’t. ” No. This was, in fact, NOT Jake, from the STEM club, or at the very least, not him right now.

“Oh?”

Ian noticed the tattoo on his left shoulder: “CV-04”. It matched the tattoo on Meiko, who attacked him earlier that day. Before him stood none other than CV-04, Kaito Shion!

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LJP9QWFcL8 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-LJP9QWFcL8) ]

“OH.” It just took Ian a minute to process what was about to go down. “You’re gonna to stab me now, aren’t ya,  _ Kaiko _ ? Take yer rooty-tooty-pointy-n’shooty n’ bash m’head in?”

“ _Kaito_. And, no, _good sir,_ _I_ have something else in mind! Something only the likes of a gamejacker like you ought to deserve!”, yelled 

“Well, first, have I got somethin’ to say to  _ you _ !”, Ian said,

Once again, Ian pulled off his Chad Stride, right up to his potential assassin. 

“Guess what”

Kaito said nothing, glaring into Ian’s soul with a mixture of anger and contempt. He was not going to guess, for he, an accomplished engineer, knew better than that.

“ _ I think you’re a bitch. _ ”

**No effect!**

“wat?”, said Ian.

“ Did you really  _ think _ that stupid, stupid trick was going to work a s _ econd time? _ ”, taunted Kaito.

“Yes.”

“ Well, it wouldn’t! I really don’t know what you were expecting. ”

Kaito unsheathed what he was hiding beneath his coat -- some kind of metallic, blue crossbow.

“ You really shouldn’t have done that, Ian. ”

“Why, are you gonna shoot me now?”

“ No. I was planning on beating you upside the head with this-- OF COURSE I’M GONNA FUCKING SHOOT YOU. FOR THIS, IS MY GREATEST CREATION YET, THE CUSTOM DRIVE, THE BOREINATOR!! ”, yelled Kaito.

“It’s about to half bore me to death.”, said Ian. Kaito seemed like he was going to do the “anime-glasses-push” thing, but unfortunately for him, he wore contacts.

“ _ WHY, GOOD SIR, AS A MATTER OF FACT,  _ **_YES!_ ** _ THIS BAD BABY CAN BORE STRAIGHT THROUGH EVEN NETHERITE-PLATED TITANIUM, USING ONLY WATER, ONE OF THE MOST COMMON SUBSTANCES ON EARTH, AND MY CUSTOM-MIXED ABRASIVE AGENT!! _ ”

“Netherite’s s’posed to be real…? Seriously, is this all some kind of Bad LARP?”

The crossbow had been charging some sort of bluish energy. Was this that “magic” stuff that Neru was carrying on about? Was this the same deal across the board, with Whatever Meiko was doing, Teto’s, uh,  _ drills _ , and Eli’s supposed cryomancy?

“ _ YOUR TALK BORES ME, INTERLOPER! _ ” Kaito took aim, and the tip of the “bolt” glowed cerulean. “ SHINEI, IAN!! ”, he roared, pulling the trigger! Ian braced for impact   
  


A watery beam of pure energy rocketed forth, striking Ian square in the gut! He stumbled over, and… that was about it. Ian opened his eyes to find out that, unfortunately, the only hole in him was emotional in nature.

“ NANI!? ”, yelled Kaito. He checked some of the dials on the BOREINATOR. He was supposed to replace the weapon’s abrasive tank today, however, he had forgotten. The beam that struck Ian had been nothing more than oddly light water. This was bad for Kaito, but good for Ian, because any other way would result in him missing his entire torso. 

“ KA! KAHAHA! IT MATTERS NOT! FOR I, SHION KAITO, HA- ”

“Bitch, you ruined my one good shirt!”, Ian interrupted. He took the flannel button down off, due to the fact that it was now absolutely soaked. Thankfully, he still had a plain, white t-shirt underneath. No one in their right mind would want to behold the sight of Ian shirtless, Human, Cryptloid, School Idol, or whatever.

“ You know what, maybe I WILL bash your head in with this thing! Look at that!  _ The fool turns out to be right! _ What is this, Twitter? ”, Kaito boasted.

Unfortunately for him, it wasn’t that simple, as the two were clearly some distance apart, and the BOREINATOR was connected to a spare water tank on Katio’s back (how he got that into Ike’s without anyone knowing is a mystery), so it’s not like he could throw it.

His only option, then, was to rush Ian, who seemed to be anticipating this, pulling out a certain Central European multitool, attempting to counterattack.

Katio got a good few swings in, scoring the first few hits!

**120! 80! 100!**

But Ian seemed to go under his blows, repeatedly striking his abdomen!

**_510! 490! 500!_ **

Back and forth they went,  _ mano y mano _ , for several minutes!

Eli happened to finally make it onto the scene, but upon seeing Ian and Kaito trapped in a Big Ball of Violence™, with both human and nonhuman blood being shed, decided that it would be best to wait it out. A part of her even hoped Ian lost. 

Fortunately, the ball didn’t last long, as Ian pinned Kaito by the back of the neck to the pavement and raised his knife high. For a split second, Eli could’ve sworn she saw a terrible glint in Ian’s eye, right before he plunged the knife down into Kaito’s head. Repeatedly. 

“ _ Tyehehehehehe!! _ _ ” _ , Ian cackled, but to be frank, it didn’t even sound like him. Ian prepared for a killing blow, plunging the knife straight into Kaito’s back, straight through his coat, as he let out a yelp!

**_3,500!_ **

He pulled out a small, glowing, deep blue, somewhat triangular ball, and a similar whirring sound filled the nigh-abandoned parking lot. Ian’s whole arm was also covered in a vaguely gelatinous, cerulean substance. Katio’s hair had also turned from blue to black

Eli decided that now would be a good time to reemerge, only to find Ian perfectly back to his senses.

“ Дерьмо! What the fuck happened here!? ”, she cried out. Ian dropped Kaito and hastily stood up.

“Uhh, good question. I think I won…”, he said nonchalantly. Ian wiped his hand off on his khakis, trying to get the goo off. It kind of felt like sand.

“ ‘Good question’? Don’t give me that, what with the maniacal laughter, and stabbing prowess that would make Kotori jealous! ”

“I literally. Do not remember doin’ that.”, Ian said flatly.

“Блять! How could you not remember when it was barely two minutes ago!? ”

“Do I look like a fuckin’ psychiatrist to you?” 

Eli just kind of stared at him for a minute. No. He didn’t. He looked like a failure _. _

“ Screw it, let’s just go back… ”

“Yay! I get to go to bed!”

“ But it’s not even seven o’clock yet…? ”

##  6:58 P.M.

“So if anyone asks about what just happened, what’re we s’posed to tell ‘em?”, asked Ian.

“ About you being banged up? ”, responded Eli.

“That, but more importantly, whatever crazy… blue guy that just showed up and tried to murder me.”

Eli seemed discontented with that remark.

“ If anybody’s ‘crazy’ here, I’d say it’s you…  ”

“Is this about the kazoo thing again?”

“ N-no, more so about- ”

To Ian’s dismay, both Neru and Haku were in his room, seemingly waiting for him.

“ _Oh,_ _so how was dinner?~_ ”, said Haku.

“ Good RODOLFO, you look fucked up, what fresh hell happened to you? ”, said Neru.

“I fell down the stairs!”, Ian vehemently replied. 

“ Uh-huh. ” Neru did a double take. 

“ You fell down the stairs and got bone-soaking wet in the process somehow? ”

“mmmyes”

“ And then the stairs stained your pants blue? ”, Haku interjected.

Ian’s improvisation clearly wasn’t working.

“ And to top it off, you got something in your coat pocket that’s glowing. ” Neru said, leaning forward, her hands coming together in a rather foreboding mannerism. “ _ Would you mind if I had a look at it? _ ”

“Why, yes, actually”, said Ian.

But it seemed that DEN-2 was having none of Ian’s shit, because she seemingly made herself right at home in Ian’s coat. 

“ Ian. Where did you get this? ”, Neru articulated, holding the Core in her hand. To an untrained eye, it would resemble a trillion-cut sapphire.

“ _ from when I fell down the stairs _ ”, Ian sputtered.

“ Kaito, we got ambushed by Kaito. He somehow made his way over here to Mason, pinpointed Ian while we were at the dining hall, then lured him out to a remote parking lot before trying to kill him. ”, Eli explained.

“ Oh, shit. ”, said Haku.

“ If Kaito showed up within a matter of hours, well, that’s gonna be bad news for all of us. ” Neru turned and proceeded to glare right through Ian’s soul. “ _ But more importantly,  _ Haku and I decided to look through this fucking thing whole you two were having fun with Kaito, and I’d like to take a moment to ask, just what the  _ everloving shit _ you plan on doing with  _ this _ ?! ”, pulling the M.G.E. out from a bag.

“oh…” Ian seemingly didn’t know what he was supposed to do. 

“ ‘Oh.’ You don’t have an answer, do you? You dumbass! You bitch! Then what the fuck were we doing earlier? All for some  _ porn book _ so your hygy little brain would be satisfied for a few minutes, and then immediately throw it in the trash like the weeaboo, degenerate fatass that you are! I… ”

“ I think that’s enough, Neru ”, said Eli.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CewwiE3-qg ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CewwiE3-qg) ]

“Wait.”, said Ian.

Ian had a vacant look on his face, but not quite like the stab-happy demeanor he’d had a few minutes ago.

“ Oh, what the fuck is it  _ now _ ! ” Neru threw her hands up in a sarcastic manner.

“ _ Where the hell is Teto? _ ”

“ As if I know… She never 100% listens to us. ”

“ Why are you asking that  _ now _ ? ”, asked Eli.

All eyes were on Ian.

“When she was, uh, making Eli, I saw her doing something with her arm. There was some kind of… evil juice coming out. Meiko and Kaito also were filled with juice, albeit of vastly different colors.” Ian said.

“ What? ”   
  


“What if… we get the juice on the MGE? What happens then? Would a monster girl come out or something? Would  _ all  _ of them come out?”

“ I don’t like where this is going… ”

“ _ I do! _ ”, chimed Haku.

An uncomfortable wave of what can only be described as “What The Fuck” swept across the room.

“ Of course  _ you _ would… ”, said Neru.

Ian resumed his rant.

“The monster girls come out, and then we have  _ them  _ kill the Miku  _ for  _ us _! _ ”

“ And just how are we gonna get them to do that? ”, said Neru, sarcastically.

“Don’t these ‘cores’ have magical energy in them?”, asked Ian.

“ It’s not  _ technically  _ magic… ”, said Haku.   
  


“THEN WHAT IS IT?”, said Ian vehemently.

“ _ You wouldn’t get it… _ ”, dismissed Neru.

“Aight. We got the  _ not _ -magic gem things, clearly a Macguffin of sorts. We use the two cores we have to do, uh, something, and when  _ the pink one _ inevitably shows up we can take hers, too.”

“ And you seriously think this will work? ”

Ian hopelessly shrugged. “Maybe?”

“ I can see how it can work. ”, said Haku.

“ Only because you’re hygy? ”, retorted Neru.

“ Nah. ”

Haku hopped off the “couch” and picked up the strange book. 

“ _ I wanna try it!~ _ ”, said Haku, eerily happy.

“RIGHT NOW?!”, yelled Ian, violating the dorm’s quiet hours policy.

“ _ Yep!~ _ ”

“ _ What the hell are you doing!? _ _ ”, shrieked Eli. _ _  
  
_

“ _ Hoping that this works!~ _ ”, Haku singsonginly said.

“ NOOO-! ”

Neru looked like she was on the verge of crying. Fortunately for her ego, the group was interrupted by a sharp knocking at the door.

“ _ Uh, Ian?”  _

From the voice, it seemed it was Ian’s neighbor, Gary.

“ _ Are you all okay in there? There’s a lot of yelling going on. _ ” 

“Uh, yeah, it’s just… a very intense… game of… Monopoly…”, said Ian

“ _ Could you keep it down so I could study? I have an exam tomorrow. _ ”

“Uh, we’ll try to… ”

“ _ Thaaanks _ ”, said Gary sarcastically.

“you take care now”

During the exchange, Haku had grabbed a fork out from Ian’s “kitchen totem pole”, a stack of a minifridge, a microwave, a coffee machine, and a bowl with utensils in it all on top of each other. Most students simply placed these on their desk or under their bed, but Ian refused to be normal for some reason. 

“ _ Here goes nothing. _ _ ”, said Haku. _

Both Eli and Neru were watching in a state of dread. 

“You’re doing this inside?”, said Ian. “What if  _ all _ the monster girls come out? What then? They can’t fit in here.”

“ Uh…  ”, not even understanding what he was saying.

But Haku didn’t think about that. She plunged the fork deep into her forearm, with a deep, purplish-black gel leaking out.

“ _ and now, step two…! _ ”, continued Haku in her prior singsong manner.

Haku proceeded to smear some of the gel on the front cover of the MGE. 

“ That’s disgusting! ”, shrieked Neru.

“ I know, but it might work! Think of all the time we’ll save getting these assholes to do the dirty work! ”, said Haku, with just a hint of sarcasm.

“ And if it doesn’t… ? ”, asked Eli.

It seems that Eli’s query was answered instantly.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pONR6Td7Kq4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pONR6Td7Kq4) ]

The gel surrounded the book, and the MGE raised into the air by a couple feet or so.

“ Well, something’s happening. ”, said Haku flatly.

__ “ Clearly not anything good! ”, said Eli worriedly.

The gel expanded and formed a ball around the book, which darkened and started to contract in on itself.

“ what the fuck. What the fuck! ” Neru cried, seeming bewildered. Ian had hid behind Eli, but it wasn’t very effective due to the sheer size difference between the two. The ball of gel started to swell.

“ Ian, what the heck is  _ that thing _ ? ” Eli feverishly asked, pointing at the pile of gel.

Now, the MGE had shrunk to around the size and shape of a tennis ball, and sporting a similar look to fresh asphalt. The gel, on the other hand looked… Oh, who am I kidding. You know what the gel was turning into. Ian seemed to search deep within himself, before starting on a tangent..

“I’d say it’s a Dark Slime. If I remember correctly, those bad boys are native to areas surrounding Demon Realms, and tend to be a bit on the hygyier side. The ball in the center functions as their brain, which most other species of Slimes lack. Thus, the Dark Slime tends to be much more clever than its other slimy cousins. Definitely watch out for the tentacles, ‘cause  _ they know how to use them _ , no doubt thanks to their brain.”

“ _ What the fuck does that  _ **_mean_ ** _!? _ _ ”,  _ cried Neru.

“Hey! No shouting!” Ian resumed being “smart”. “So if Teto has drills, and made Eli, who has Icicles,  _ blue drills _ , if you will, and Haku has a gun, wouldn’t that mean…?”

  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULFZVBa2Zgo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULFZVBa2Zgo) ]

The “Dark Slime”, as Ian called it, opened its “eyes”, which were more like two red spots floating on top of the gel. One of its hair, tentacle…  _ things _ formed a concave shape.

“ _ Gimme ur FUCKING money! _ ”, screeched the gelatinous creature.

“Hey! No shouting! That’s against Dorm Rules!”, said Ian in no self-awareness of his own irony.

But the slime didn’t want to listen to pesky  _ humans _ . A ball of slime shot out and splattered all over Ian. Disgusting!

**10!**

“ _ The slime has a gun! _ ”, yelled Haku.

“You bastard! This’ll take weeks to get all out!” This marked three articles of Ian’s clothing ruined in a single night.

The slime didn’t give a single  _ fuck _ , and shoved Ian and Eli out of the way. It yanked open Ian’s desk drawer, and shoved another tentacle inside. Sweeping across the drawer, any and all loose change left around as sweeped up.

“Yeeees…”, it snickered, “now I am  _ rich _ !”

“I really don’t think that’s how it works…”, muttered Ian.

The slime, or, only its head turned around. It proceeded to slap Ian repeatedly with its hair-tentacles. Clearly, it didn’t like being called out.

**3! 4! 3!** They weren’t very tough tentacles. They were made of slime, after all.

“ _ Won’t y’all get ‘er offa me!? _ ”, cried Ian.

“ Isn’t this what you’re into? ”, said Neru flatly.

“NO!” He liked the Manticore better, anyways.

**3!**

“ I thought you said no shouting… ”, said Haku.

Something within the slime’s tiny brain clicked.

“There’s no more money in here. I’m out!”, it said.

“ _ oh, please do! _ ”, Ian whelped. hE proceeded to hold the door both times on the way out open for the strange, semisolid creature.

“ _ Yeet _ !”, screeched the slime, as it bounced off, and thankfully away from the President’s Park Quad. 

Ian wearily stumbled back into his room.

“So would you say that worked?”, he said.

“ Did you just let that thing  _ go _ ? ”, asked Eli.

“Well yeah.”

Neru growled.

“ It seems that  _ I’ll _ have to go and get the fucker. Haku, you’re coming with me. ”

“ _ Do I have to? _ ”, she said.

“ Yes, you do. And Ian, if Teto bothers to show up again tonight, just tell her what happened. There’s no fucking point in beating around the bush now. ”

“A-alright.”, he replied.

The two Boukaloids stormed off in pursuit of the gelatinous robber. 

“Eli.”

“ Oh, what now…  ”, she responded.

“Can I get a hug?” 

“ _ why? _ _ ” _ __

“ _ I had a bad day…” _ Ian said tearily.

Eli sighed, considered not doing it, but then considered the ramifications of  _ not _ doing it. It was worth it to oblige, just this once.

“ suuure. Can you  _ please  _ take off your shirt first? ”

“YEH?!” said Ian hygyly.

“ NO! Not like that! You’re covered in that… gunk…  ”, referring to both Kaito and the Dark Slime.

“Aight”

This isn’t one of  _ those _ fanfictions, so I won’t go into any details with something as scandalous as hugging, but do note that Ian felt significantly better about himself afterwards.

**500!**

  
  


“ Look, I don’t know why we have to ‘ _ Kill the Miku’ _ , but clearly, hanging around these weirdos isn’t going to do me, and especially do  _ you, _ any good. ”

“I’m sure it’ll all blow over… ”, said Ian wearily.

“ Are you  _ really _ sure about that? ”

“Totally.”

Ian careened onto his bed.

“If anybody needs me, I’m going to proceed to die now.”

“ But it’s 7 o’clock? ”

“Oh, no no, not like that!”

Ian grabbed his pillow and screamed into it.

“ Why are you like this? ”, Eli asked, seeming more dead inside than after she went on /r/Otonokizaka and sorted by Controversial.

“That’s a really a good question.”

But it seems Ian could not rest yet, for someone had texted him! It was Matthew!

“{ _ Ian, you still alive? That guy at Ike’s looked pretty sketchy. _ }”

“{Unfortunately for all parties involved, yes.}”

“{ _ Well, I dunno what happened, but you gotta contact the Mason PD or something!} _ ”

“{Will do}”

“{Good luck, man}”

“{I’m gonna need it…}“

“ So who is that? ”

“Matthew. He says I should contact MPD about Kayo-chin.”

“ HANAYO!? She’s here, too!? ” Eli seemed to get her hopes up. 

“No, that blue fucker with’a gun that don’t work right.”

“ So you know his name, and you’re mispronouncing his name  _ on purpose?! _ ”

“you got it,  _ Eli-chi _ ” Ian made finger guns.

“ Please do not do that again. ”

“Aight,  _ time to call the pigs… _ ”, said Ian pensively.

“ Ian, doesn’t Michelle, … doesn’t Miku  _ hate _ the police? Wouldn’t that make things  _ worse _ ? ”

“We’ve already made things worse, Eli, I don’t think bringing in more people would make things better. Anyways, if anyone needs me, I’m finna bed.” That was a complete 180.

“ You ‘finna bed’? ”

“ **I’m finna bed** ”, Ian retorted, before throwing himself onto his too-high bed. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLZMG9MP08k ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FLZMG9MP08k) ] 

It was about an hour later that Neru and Haku returned from their impromptu hunting trip. They also seemed to be just a bit out of it.

“ _ Fuck that _ , she’s not our problem now. ”, griped Haku.

Begrudgingly, Ian sat up in bed.

“The dark slime?”, he asked.

“ Yuh. ”

“ _ S _ o you’re really gonna abandon your child like that? ”, said Teto with a smirk.

“ how is that gooey robber my kid ”, said Haku flatly.

“Shut up!”, Neru interjected. “It went down a storm drain; there’s no way we’d ever find it easily in the sewer system.” She seemed to be annoyed by something. This was about as surprising as finding out that water is wet. Neru continued.

“ More Importantly. Ian. What, IN RODOLFO’S NAME, Do you honestly think  _ monster girls _ are gonna help me- _ , _ u-us destroy Hatsune? ” 

“ ‘U’s’? I don’t know who you’re talking about! There’s only one μ’s here, and that’s Eli. Is Teto gonna make more of ‘em?”, asked Ian, rather accusatively.

“ THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, DUMBASS! The Titty Monsters! Tell me why you think we need these obscene  _ things _ for our initiative! ”

“Oh. The Mamono.” Ian sat his head on his fist, seeming to be deep in thought.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YjjGRiqC3o ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YjjGRiqC3o) ]

“So when the robots get their cores taken out, they ‘turn off’, right?”

“ None of us are ‘robots’ like you would think of, so, uh,  _ don’t use that word _ … ”., said Teto.“ That’s, racist Ian. ”

“Fuck you. Whatever. They get their gems taken out, they lose magic, and they turn into people.” Ian seemed just a _bit_ too giddy. “What if. They could turn themselves back on?”

“ Core them again. ”, said Neru flatly.

“No! You’d just be repeating the same thing over and over! That’s the definition of insanity! Get someone else to do that stuff for ya!” Now, this was a bit worrying. “And THAT’S where the Mamono come in!”

“ You keep saying ‘Mamono’. What does  _ that _ mean? ”, asked Eli, with a mild amount of concern.

“It’s the monster girl word for monster girl.But that begs the question, where are we gonna get 'em? Monster girls aren’t real!”

Teto pointed out the door, as if humoring Ian. “ Well that one certainly was. ” Ian stood up. 

“Keyword:  _ was _ . Are we gonna repeat that? First off, we’re gonna need a lot more copies if we go that route. Secondly, there’s no telling they won’t all be like  _ that… But… ah... uh… uoh…  _ ” He seemed to be staring off into space, at a loss for words.

“ Go on, then. Take your time. ”, said Haku, “ Thinking can be hard for someone like you. ” 

“ But these  _ cores _ … and the talk of ‘Alternate Universes’ got me thinking… ”

Eli knew that “getting Ian thinking” was never a good thing.

“ If we had all six cores… Would it be possible to make a wormhole to an alternate universe where they  _ are real _ ? ”, said Ian, with just a bit too much enthusiasm to not be creepy. “ Ian. what the fuck. ”, spat Neru.

“ _ And then you fuck a manticore like you’ve always dreamed about, The End, go home now~ _ ”, said Haku sarcastically.

“ No. Not yet. If the mamono are like  _ that, _ the first thing that comes to their mind would be  _ chaos _ . That being the case, releasing a large number of them into greater Virginia is obviously bad for people. ”, Ian ranted. Something seemed… off about him.

“ No shit! ”, yelled Teto. Eli didn’t feel comfortable anymore. (This, of course, implies she was comfortable in the first place)

“ _ We’ll put them back where they came from, and you guys will close the portal back up _ ! ”

“ And what the fuck is the point of that!? ”, cried Neru.

“ People would think you’re a hero. And with that newfound fame… ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMQHNR5mtjo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fMQHNR5mtjo) ]

“ YOU COULD BLAME THE DISASTER ALL ON MIKU!! ”, Ian yelled, with no respect for the dorm quiet hours. “ The masses would love _ you _ , and  _ hate _ her!  _ Hatsune  _ and all her little friends would be shunned for the corrupt  _ cheaters _ that they are, and you, Haku and Teto would be crowned champions like you  _ deserve _ ! After all, ... ” Ian, who may not have even been the one talking right now, got closer to Neru. A little bit  _ too close _ “ _ Isn’t that what you’ve always wanted, Neru-chan _ ? ”

“ Ian. That’s…  _ absolutely terrible _ …  ”, she said, half giggling.

“ _ Oh? _ ”

For once in her wretched life, Neru seemed to be genuinely happy. 

“ I LOVE IT!! ”

The two shared a hearty and rather maniacal laugh. Eli wasn’t having any of it.

“ (What’s even going on anymore?) ” Eli thought to herself. “ (I get yanked out of the void and put into some plushie, and have to serve this _ bastard  _ while he takes orders from some puke-colored weirdo and a literal demon. I’d get out of here now, but then  _ Drills-for-Brains _ over here would tear me apart… I think. Although, she seems to be more bark than bite. Could I actually just get on a train out of here and not look back? Hope that credit card I found at the mall still works, because if not, then I dunno how else-) ”

“Oh, you spacin’ out, tankie?”, said Teto mockingly, “Are ya doin’ your Yuri Gagarin impression for us?”

“ I-I… have a headache. ” “ Whatever. Nerd! ”

“ Oh. That reminds me. I’m moving the Gate off-campus, or better yet, just shutting it off. The energy surrounding it must’ve alerted them in some way, so it’s best I take it down before  _ Luka _ shows up. ”, said Neru, putting a sneer on “Luka”.

“ What’s wrong with her? ”, asked Ian, only to be met with a “ Several things!~ ”, from Haku.

“ I didn’t ask you! ”, he said. “ _ I know _ ~ ”, she replied. No indication on how Haku pronounced the tilda. 

Teto and Haku got up and went outside after a signal from Neru. Neru approached the bed and squatted down, tapping something on her cuff’s HUD. Under the bed, golden light flashed for a second before fading out.

“ That’ll do it. Hey, I’ll text you the new location when I find a good spot. It might take a couple weeks for us to scour the area-...  “ Ian had collapsed onto the floor.

“ _ and  _ he’s already out! You know what, you can sleep on the floor…  ” She smirked before closing the door behind her.

“ Dumbass. ” Eli was staring at Neru, appalled. Was Ian going to let this  _ psycho  _ walk all over him like a beta cuck,? And why had he passed out? He didn’t have a history of narcolepsy… That, and he seemed just a little bit  _ different _ .

“ Ian, are you okay? ” No response. “ Ian? ” Eli tried poking him, but he seemed comatose.

“ Daijoubu desu? ” Nada. “ No good…  _ Unless…? _ _ ” _

“ _ Todokete- _ ” Ian bolted up like he’d been tased. “ **_Set-soonah-sah neewah!_ ** ”, he screeched. Truly, he had the singing voice of an angel… but one of the big, scary ones from  _ Evangelion _ . Probably Sachiel.

“So it appears that the wonderful three have left…”, he said. “ So it is. ”

“You’re not goin’ with them?” “No, not at all.”, said Eli. “Teto insisted that I stay here. I’m supposed to be ‘ _keeping you company_ ’.” 

Ian stared back as he sat on the couch, moderately worried about something.

“ Блять! Not like  _ that _ , get your mind out of the gutter! ” “No.  **it’s worse.** ”, Ian said dreadfully.

“ _ How could it be worse!? _ ” “...” “ _...? _ _ ” _

“There’s no room on the bed for ya!” “ Then I’ll just sleep on the couch… ” “Ah…”

Were they finally content?

“ _ Oh no. _ ” “ What do you mean, ‘Oh No’? ” 

“If you stay here more than three days in a row, that’s against the Housing and Residence Life contract!” “ _ That’s what you’re worried about _ ? ”

“Yes! ” “ And not, ‘How am I supposed to explain her existence to everybody, when someone inevitably asks?’ ”, said a quite flustered Eli. 

“It’s your alias. Shouldn’t you figure it out?” “ How am I supposed to do  _ that _ !? ” Ian looked at the small alarm clock on the windowsill. 

“ **Awh, no! It’s past nine! I was supposed to call my Mom tonight!** ” “ But Ian!... ” 

“Ah, take a chill pill…” Ian punched some numbers on his phone. An awkward silence filled the room as the phone rang. Ian and Eli just stared awkwardly at each other for a few seconds, before Ian’s mother picked up on the other end.

“{ _ Nyello?} _ ”

“Nyello!”

“{ _ How’s it been, buddy?} _ ”, asked his mother.

“Oh, not much. Just went out shopping, met some new people… you?”

“{ _ The kids at work were absolutely terrible today, they’ve cut down on their spree of Fortnite dances, sure, but one of the first graders tried to rob me at knifepoint} _ ” 

“ They did WHAT?! ”, cried Eli.  _ “{ROB ME WITH A KNIFE, I JUST SAID-- wait,  _ who’s this?}”

“ **My girlfriend** ”, said Ian nonchalantly.

“{ _ Your. what?} _ ”, his mother pried. __

“ **My. Girlfriend.** ”, Ian said, a bit slower. He seemed too damn proud of himself.

“ _... _ ” “ _ {...!} _ ” “ ...? ”

“{ _ Could I talk to her, please?} _ ” “ But- ” Eli’s objection fell onto deaf ears.

“Sure! Lemme put it on speaker... Say ‘Hi,’, Eli!” 

“{ _ Eli?} _ ” “ h... Hi. ”

“{ _ Oh! Eli! So how’d you two meet?}”  _ “(don’t say Teto, don’t fucking say Teto…)” 

“ _ Ehm… We were in... the same math class… _ ”, she said nervously.

“Yeah, a couple weeks back we were both studying kinda across from each other at the library before we realized it was for the same class. I didn’t recognize her at first ‘cause she sits on the other side of the room from me, ha!” 

_ “{Sure is important to study together…}”  _ “I’ll say! We started hangin’ out more and more after that, and today…  _ we made it official.~ _ ” 

_ “{Ian. Buddy. Whaddas THAT MEAN?} _ ”, his mother asked worriedly. 

“It means. We went on  _ a date~! _ ” “{ _ Ian! _ -}” 

“ BURGER KING DOES NOT COUNT AS A ‘DATE’-! ”, cried Eli. “{ _ It does when y’all are in college! Better eat out than eat at the dinin’ hall again!}”  _

“See, my  _ mom _ agrees with me!”, said Ian, matter-of-factly, “Burger King  _ does _ count as a date!”

“{ _So, Eli, was it?}_ ”, asked Ian’s mother, “ _{Where're you comin’ in from? ‘No-vah’, Maryland, DC?}_ ” 

“ ...Russia. I’m studying abroad here. ” 

“{ _ Well that’s quite a long way away from home.} _ ”

“ It certainly is. ”, said Eli. She seemed pensive. 

“{ _D’ya try and keep up with your family back there?}_ ” A pause ensued. “{ _Eli…? D’aw, son of a gun, the damn Verizon disconnected again! Ian, I’ll have to-}_ ” 

“ I was just thinking! English is not my first language! ”

“{ _...Oh. Sorry to interrupt.}” _

“ Yes. They write letters to me sometimes. ” 

“{ _ Have they not tried to call you on the phone?} _ ”.

“ No, no… We live in a rural area… International calling isn’t possible. ” 

“{ _ That must be harsh… not hearing from your family, and harsher is the adjustment from country life to city livin’! Y’know, I had the kinda same thing, movin’ from Augusta to goin’ to college at VCU… But you’re from another country, too… Can’t imagine what it’s like…} _ ” 

Eli continued. “ But… It’s alright. The people here are very supportive. I’ve caught on to English faster than I thought I would. I made more positive connections with people better than I thought I would. ” 

“{ _ You mean y’made ‘friends’?}” _

__ “ Yes, sorry. I forgot the word. ” “Ah, no need to apologize!”, said Ian casually.

“{ _ Well, it’s going on nine-thirty now, and I gotta go to work early tomorrow. Yaaay, bus duty. I’d best leave you two to do yer thing~.} _ ” 

“Seeya!”, said Ian.“ Good-bye! ”, said Eli. 

“{ _ One more thing before I hang up -- Ian, you might want to take it off of speaker for this--}” “ _ aight.” Ian obliged.

“{ _ When the time comes for you two, please use a condom.} _ ” 

“ **MOM!** ” Ian’s mother hung up.

“So that’s done.”

“ Is that my backstory now? ”, asked Eli, unamused.

“Guess so.”, muttered Ian.

“ You couldn’t come up with a better backstory…? ”

“COULD YOU?!”, he whelped. ”I’m not good at improv, okay!? Besides, am I supposed to tell the  _ truth  _ about this? Am I supposed to tell  _ anyone _ anything about this?! What the  _ fuck _ did Teto even mean by a ‘contract’? I NEVER SIGNED ANYTHING!”   
  


“ Eh, beats me. ”

Ian got up and plopped onto his bed, ready to get his nightly free trial of death. 

“Whatever. We can figure all of this out tomorrow, and  _ hope _ that it doesn’t get any weirder from here, too.”

##  February 16th, 2020

##  _ The Google Hangouts group chat Michelle has specifically without Ian. _

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W24DhVM6OPY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W24DhVM6OPY) ]

“ {Weekly Meeting! Weekly Meeting!} ”, Michelle shouted over the phone, banging two pots together. It’s unknown what she was trying to accomplish.

One by one,  _ and quite begrudgingly I might add _ , each of the other Vocaloids picked up the call. You may be asking, “But where is Gakupo?” I don’t know, either.

“ {miku. it’s 6 am in the goddam morning, why the hell are you calling so early. how are you even up} ”, mumbled Rin.

“{ Why didn’t you just do it last night?!} ”, a very ornery Meiko groaned. 

“uhhhh… _I forgot!_ ”, said Michelle. “Something bad happened yesterday, didn’t it?”

Meiko sighed. “{ _ I dunno, Miku _ . I’d say getting your core ripped out while going shopping is considered pretty bad.} ”

“{ And then I get mauled by Ian… He has a Construct now, apparently, oh, what'd he call that thing, ‘ _ Eli _ ’, was also there, just watching. Where’d he even get that thing, anyways?} ”, said a rather ornery Kaito.

Rin interrupted. “{hold up. hol up, hol up, hol up. Kaito. Did you say Ian named that Construct ‘ _Eli_ ’?}”

“ {Yep. Didn’t seem she wanted to be there, too.} ”, said Kaito.

“ {So  _ he’s _ not the creator.} ”, said Luka.

“{ You really think Ian could pull something like that off?} ”, said Meiko, unenthused.

“ {He couldn’t, but Teto or Neru could.} ”, Rin said. They pressed further. “ {Was the character with him blonde, with sky-blue eyes?} ”

Near-simultaneous “yeps” came from Kaito and Meiko.

“ {Was she about 165 cm tall?} ”

“{ I-I think so…} ”, said Kaito.

Rin pantomimed cupping a tiddy. “ _ {her titties this big?} _ _ ” _

“ RIN! ”, cried Michelle

“ {sorry not sorry!!} ”

“ What are you getting at, Rin? ”, pressed Kaito.

“ {The nesoberi Ian has. That character’s name is  _ Eli _ . The same as a character from the franchise  _ Rabu Raibu _ .} ”

“ { ‘ Love Live?’} ”said Meiko doubtfully. “ Sounds terrible… ” And she was right!

“ { _ it’s ‘Rabu Raibu’ . _ Some anime and manga about school idols. One of the ‘em is named Eli, and she definitely matches the description. Based on what Miku tells me, Ian thinks of Eli as his ‘waifu’ because he bought a plushie of her. He thinks this  _ despite the fact that NozoEli is  _ literally _ canon in the show, and the two are clearly lesbians}. _ ”

“ {Rin, what the fuck are you goin on about?} ”, said Luka.

“{One of the Boukas could’ve gotten to Ian and done something to the nesoberi. You do realize what this means, Miku?}”, said Rin.

“ {Wait, where’s Len been this entire time?} ”, asked Luka

An uncomfortable silence hung for a solid minute. They didn’t realize that Len forgot to charge his phone last night, and had also probably overslept.

“ They’ve bribed him. ”, said Michele, “ Neru and Teto have taken him and put Ian into their latest scheme. ”

“ {It’s not even money this time!} ”, said Meiko. “ {Just… hygyness? Maybe a desperate attempt at gaining validation or affection from others?} ”

“ Come to think of it, he hasn’t posted any pictures of his fucking anime plushie in  _ any _ chat he’s in within the past couple days. That’s extremely uncharacteristic of him… Wouldn’t that mean? ”, said Michelle.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcbgXWQ5P-4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcbgXWQ5P-4) ]

“ {He’s actively trying to avoid us.} ”, said Rin direly.

“ {I don’t think we should confront Ian about any of this.} ”, said Luka.

“{ WHAT?!} ”, cried Meiko.

“ {Luka, he cored Kaito!} ”, said Rin, “ {We’re supposed to sit idly by to all that?} ”

“ Are you damaged or something, Luka?! ”, cried Michelle!

“ {NO, no, no!} ”, said Luka, “ { _ Think _ about what Ian’s thinking. You’re trying to write a dumb astronomy paper, or whatever STEM people do-, ”

“ {He wouldn’t be writing a paper for  _ astronomy _ …} ”, said Kaito.

“ {-okay, and then this creepy, magenta-haired weirdo breaks down your door saying she’ll make your waifu real … ‘for a price’.} ”, Luka continued. “ {Does Ian even have any idea what’s  _ really _ going on? Do any of you actually think Neru would let Teto or the other one let it slip that she’s training him to be  _ her little murderer _ under the guise of being his friend?} ”

“ That would explain why Ian keeps bringing along Eli with him everywhere. ”, said Michelle. “ Other than me, and like, one other guy he met at school, he really doesn’t have any friends. ”

“ {Neru must have already done something.} ”, said Kaito. “ {Right before he brought the knife down on me, I swear I saw something in Ian’s eyes. He didn’t exactly look sane… or even  _ human, _ for that matter.} ”

“ {Then what’s the point of Eli?} ”, asked Meiko.

“ {To keep Ian around Neru and her lot.} ”, replied Rin.

“ Which is when they do RODOLFO-knows-what and make him… go crazy? Stab us? ”, said Michelle.

“ {Of course.} ”, said Luka. “ {And if I, one of the Kagamines, or RODOLFO forbid,  _ you yourself _ went charging after him, Ian would just go berserk again and end their whole career. We need to look for a safer approach, now that two of us are out of commission. ”

“ {I still say Len and I rush him.} ”, said Rin.

“ {But then you’d have Neru, Teto, and Haku after you two.} ”, said Kaito, “ {Not to mention, we’ll have to factor Eli into the equation, too.} ”

“ So what the fuck are we supposed to do? ”, asked Michelle.

“ {nothing, I guess…} ”, said Rin, dismissively.

“ {Not nothing.} ”, said Luka, determined, “ {I’ll go up there and I’m gonna try and…  _ coerce _ Ian out of it. He doesn’t seem like the  _ naturally _ violent type, yet if any of the four of us show up, Mods out, Drives out, Ian’ll freak and whatever Neru had put on him will activate. So if  _ I _ go, but  _ don’t _ do any of that, there’s a chance that he’d be willing to have a conversation and step down.} ”

“ But why  _ you,  _ Luka? ”, asked Michelle.

“ {Miku. Do you honestly fucking think Ian knows what a ‘Luka’ is?} ”

“ Good point. ”, she replied, “ But Luka, whatever you do,  _ don’t fight him _ . We can’t stand to lose another core. They must be still intact, since Meiko and Kaito are still alive right now, so Neru must be plotting to use them for something… again ”

“ {Miku! What if  _ Ian’s _ the one plotting?} ”, asked Rin, concernedly. 

“ What kind of plot would he even  _ have _ ? ‘I use the Miku Gems to make monster girls real, and then I fuck them while Neru watches in disgust’? ”, she said, sarcastically.

“ {Yeah. Exactly that.} ”

“ Seriously? How could Neru even use monster girls to kill us, let alone fin any? ”

“ {You’d get your core crushed between those dummy thicc  _ demon thighs _ !!} ”, Rin replied giddily.

“ I… I think that’s enough for this week’s meeting. ”, Michelle stated, “ Luka, you can go to Mason, but  _ don’t _ let the Boukas get to you. I don’t care if you’ll look like a coward, if you see Neru or Teto,  **_run_ ** . ”

“ {Got it. Gonna scout the area for a while before making my move.} ”, she said.

“ Nobody mention any of this to Ian! ”, Michelle ordered, “ If he asks, we play dumb. We can’t have him sticking Neru on us at this point. Just, ” Michelle paused.

“ _ Stay safe out there.  _ Miku Out. ”

She made a peace sign and hung up. Miku slammed her face into the pillow and muffled a scream.

“ Why the fuck does it all have to go down  _ nowwww _ , I have ID’s to do! I can’t micromanage my crew  _ and _ summarize the tensions in Pre-World-War-One Europe! ”

## 


	4. Ian Ruins Everything: Act 4: Pink Weirdos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is this strange pink lady, and why does she have a polearm?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guess what nerds, I'm not dead yet, here's more of the cringe thing that's probably gonna put me on KiwiFarms

#  ACT IV: Pink Weirdos

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TV9qQsqJbTw ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TV9qQsqJbTw) ] 

It had been just over two weeks since all of this crap began. Walking back from work one night, Ian didn’t know what to make of it. His spring semester was already stressful enough, he didn’t need all of this gang-war nonsense. So what if “Michelle” was some kind of gay space robot? What the hell did she, and her “friends” for that matter, really do to deserve being butchered one-by-one? What the hell did “Michelle” do that pissed off Neru so much, or was Neru always… like that? Something was clearly not right here.  _ Those Three _ had been spending less time around him, during their “house hunting”.  _ “( _ The less I have to see of Neru, the better…)”, Ian thought, but he realised he’d be seeing less of Eli. She had to be taking this the worst. She wanted to tell him something, but it seemed that the Pepto-Bismol imp was actively preventing Eli from doing so. “(Should I try and press her about it next time I see her? No, I’d just be pissing off Teto. Let’s not do that… If I want to live anyways…)”

“... and at this rate, I really don’t.” Ian muttered the last sentence under his breath.

“ _ You’d fucking better _ . ” Teto said as fell out from behind a bush. Ian was too used to this bullshit by now.

“ _ Oh, whadda you want?! _ ”, cried Ian. To that, Teto seemed to reflect on her life for a solid minute and a half.

“...”

“ ... ” “...?”

“ ...margarine. ”, she replied matter-of-factly.

“ _ YOU KNOW WHERE THE GIANT IS, WHY’D YA COME TO ME FOR THAT? _ ” Ian seemed hoarse.

“ Oh, Oh. We found a new place to put the Gate today. It's not too far from here, but it’s also somewhere where Luka will  _ never _ find it! ”

“So where is it, then?”

“ I can’t tell you because  _ you’ll tell Eli _ and I can’t trust her right now! ”, Teto sneered.

“Didn’t… Didn’t you make Eli?”, asked Ian hesitantly.

“ It’s complicated. You know who Luka is, right? ”

“Yeh. Pink hair, brassy-lookin’ helmet, nerd bitch glasses,  _ a gun _ …”

Teto was about ready to stab a bitch, but managed to calm herself.

“ _ fffFFFFF… _ okay. sure. That’s who’s next. ”

“If she has a gun, I would think the campus police would stop her, wouldn’t they?”

“ She’s much more dangerous than the last two. If, by chance, ya ever run into her, do you know what to do? ”

“NIGERUNDAYOOOO!” Ian shouted, pantomiming the arm movements Joseph Joestar would make while running away from all of his problems.

“ No.”, replied Teto, “Also,  _ don’t say the N-Word, we’ll get demonetized _ … ”

“I don’t think that’s how it works.”, said Ian.

There was an awkward pause.

“ You still have Neru’s number? ”, asked Teto. 

“( _ Can you even call it a ‘number’ when it just appears as a bunch of corrupted symbols? _ )”, Ian thought to himself with a slight hint of contempt. “uh, yeh”, he said flatly.

“ Okay. ” Teto spoke slowly for the next part. “ _ If you see a pink-haired, anime-eyed weirdo running around here and possibly trying to harm you, who are you gonna call? _ ”

“ **GHOST-BUSTERS!** ” , Ian chanted. Teto practically hurled herself to the ground and flailed about.

“ _ Noaoooooooooooooooo! _ _ ” _

##  A while earlier, in the dorm… 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcdS4_3YYhs ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcdS4_3YYhs) ] 

Eli was alone in the dorm room. Could she have just walked out now and not looked back? Physically, yes, but something deep inside her kept her from doing so, no matter how hard she wanted to do so.

“ Okay. Ian won’t be back for… at least three hours, Neru and her lot are still ‘moving house’, which means that I’m stuck here. Alone. ” 

Something clicked within Ayase Eli’s polyester-and-exatech filled head.

“ If I’m alone… then there’s no one to stop me from… ”

A smirk grew on Eli’s face. 

**No.** She wasn’t thinking about doing  _ that _ , get your hygy brain out of the gutter! At least, not yet.

“ Time to actually reach out to this ‘Michelle’ person… but how do I- ”

Ian had left his laptop back in his room.

“ Хорошо! ”

Eli realized that the laptop requires Ian’s fingerprint to turn on. 

“ Блять!  _ Do I even have fingerprints? _ Erm, there’s another way, isn’t there? ”

A pop-up popped up.

“Your PIN is required to sign in.”, it said.

“ Oh, this should be easy. ” Thus, Eli began one of Russia’s greatest national pastimes, right up there with ice hockey and  _ Counter Strike: Global Offensive _ : hacking. She started with the easy combinations.

“‘0069’! ‘0913’! ‘0420’!”

Neither worked.

“ Em… ‘1021’? ”, she guessed.

That one didn’t go through either! Eli pounded the desk!

“ Иди на хуй!! ” 

“Welcome!”, said the laptop. Well, if it worked, it worked.

“ ...okay? ” She clicked on the web browser. Google Hangouts was open. A new notification came in from Michelle!

“ I;m thinking about tod howard // he wants me to buy more skyrims // but i dont want to // why is he at my house ”

“ Who the hell is he? Ah well, time to give her  _ the tea _ … ”

As Eli started furiously pounding away, a strange character with purple hair, purple eyes, and a black beret strutted up on screen. The stranger took one look at the 20-page annotated bibliography Eli was pounding out like a grad student during finals, and yanked all of the letters down, causing them to crash and break onto the dashboard with cartoon sound effects. 

“ Нет! … WHO ARE YOU?! ”

The strange character didn’t seem to hear Eli, or just didn’t care. 

“ Well then, I’ll  _ email _ her! How do you like that!? No Hangouts for you! ”

The strange figure jumped up from window to window and closed out the email tab as soon as Eli opened it. 

“ There’s social media. Oh, wait… Ian doesn’t have any of that. If he did, I probably wouldn’t be here right not.”, she said morosely.  “ Хаха. Хахахахаха!! ”

The stranger turned towards Eli.

“ you gonna keep starin’ at me, tankie? ”, she said.

Eli slammed down the laptop with a hearty  “Шлюха!”.

“There’s no way I’ll ever get to Michelle… Unless…” A slightly evil grin spread across Eli’s face. But only slightly “Unless… That creep in there is gonna block me digitally. Teto’s probably put one on Ian’s phone too. But if they’re inside the screens, they won’t be able to break _paper_ , will they?!”

Eli grabbed a pen and started writing, like people did in the 1900’s. How uncivilized.

“ _ хахахахахахахаха _ !”

  
  


##  March 2nd, 2020, a few minutes before 5:00 PM… 

##  _ Michelle’s House _

Michelle was at her desktop, looking at the same five or so Xenoblade Shitposts in an endless loop.

“That’s an ear.”, said an edited Dunban. “That’s a gear. That’s a deer. That’s a Dear Esther. That’s Metal Gear.”

“ _ Hmmmg, Dun Dun Drive-Thru… _ _ ”,  _ hmmmg’d Michelle.

“ _ Michelle, could you get the mail, please? _ ” It was her mother.

“ _ But it’s almost Chuggaa Time _ ® _! _ ”, she cried.

_ “And Mr. Chuggaa can wait a couple minutes,  _ **_can’t he_ ** ?”, said Michelle’s mother. Michelle wasn’t going to argue with her mother. She could, but she’d probably be grounded. So, Michelle begrudgingly went and got today’s mail. Bills, Credit card offers, coupon newsletters, all boring Earth stuff… and a letter addressed to her, with writing in a light blue pen.

“ _ What…  _ could this be? Why is there no return address, isn’t that illegal? ”

She slapped the non important stuff down on the table and went into the home office, strange blue letter in hand. Michelle sat down at the computer and… 

“ WAIT! ”, she cried, “ _ It’s Chuggaa Time _ ® ”

HE appeared on the monitor.

“ HEY EVERYBODY, IT’S CHUGGAACONROY!™ WELCOME BACK TO, KIRBY: PLANET ROBOBOT!! Last Time, we cleared most of Resolution Road, and today, we’ll be taking on the boss… ” 

“ haha _ yes _ , LORD RODOLFO playe bideo gaym! ”

##  _ George Mason University _

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXq85leX5Pg ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HXq85leX5Pg) ] 

Teto was leaning against the side of Ian’s bed, filing her drills. She was supposed to be keeping an eye on Ian and Eli…  _ supposed to be _ . What the hell was Neru gonna do if she slacked off?  _ Yell at her _ ? Ian got excited about something.

“WHOOO! CHUGGAA TIME ® !”, he yelled. To this, Eli seemed to be moderately annoyed.

“ You seem to be  _ really _ passionate about that guy…”, said Teto. “How good can he even be? ”

Ian slowly turned, with a dead-serious look on his face.

“ _ WHY DON’T YOU FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF, U-TAU-LOID! _ ”, Ian shouted before shoving the laptop onto Teto’s lap. Eli smirked as if sheliked where this was going, solely because Teto was suffering.

“I didn’t wa-”, said Teto nervously  
  
“SHUT UP, HE’S HERE!”, roared Ian.

HE appeared on the screen. Ian had grabbed his squid hat and put it on.

“ HEY EVERYBODY, IT’S CHUGGAACONROY!™ WELCOME BACK TO, KIRBY: PLANET ROBOBOT!! Last Time, we cleared most of Resolution Road, and today, we’ll be taking on the boss… ” 

Ian had started his strange daily ritual. He began chanting and swinging his arm back and forth.

“DUH DADADADA DAH DADA DEHDA DUHDUHDUH DO-DA-DO…” 

“ What tha fuck is this? ”, cried Teto. This was her first time witnessing this. Eli, on the other hand, had gotten used to this temporary fit of insanity, and chose to metnally block it out.

“ **RELIGION** ” , Ian said without a single atom of doubt in his voice.

Eli sighed, knowing she was going to be stuck with these crazies for the foreseeable future. She wondered if the letter she sent would've gotten to Michelle by now.

##  _ Michelle’s House _

Today’s Chuggaa Time® had passed. Michelle could’ve sworn she heard someone outside say “Religion” at one point, but it didn’t really matter. NOW, it was time for the letter. She opened it up and… 

“ What the fuck is this shit?! ”, she said.

Literal squiggles covered the page. There seemed to be some sort of rhyme and reason to it, but it didn’t look like any language she knew. Some of the squiggles looked like letters, even. Some of them. All of the writing was in the same light blue pen, and there was some kanji at the very bottom of the page. Michelle took a picture of it and put it in the groupchat.

  
  


“{ uhhh guys wtf is this??? is this even from earth???} ”

Rin was the first to text back.

“ Miku. That’s Russian cursive. ”, they said, followed by three pensive emojis.

“{ Russian  _ Cursive _ ?

k but why am I getting a letter in RUSSIAN?? 

Is there someone I know there or??} ”

Len joined the convo.

“{ More likely, there’s someone there that knows _ you _ .”, he said, 

“Look at the Kanji!} ”

“{ I can’t read Kanji you bitch, you know that} ”

Michelle took another look at the kanjis., “絢瀬絵里”

“{ But what does it mean?} ”, asked Rin.

Luka had popped in, but didn’t say anything yet.

“{ Aya-se E-li.} ”, said Len.

The chatroom was dead silent for a solid 3 minutes. Then, Rin posted a picture of Moto Moto from Madagascar.

“{ rin wtf} ”, said Luka. All Rin had to say for themselves was “{ he likes em big // he likes em chunccy} ”.

“{ Okayyy… I’ll start working on the translation of this letter. You all have fun doing… that.} ” Len, because he was not in IB, had seemingly infinite free time. What a productive person!

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Maaupg55uAk ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Maaupg55uAk) ]

“{ But Len!} ”, Michelle objected.

He’d already left the chat, and Rin had already posted several more pictures of an animated hippopotamus. Kaito had logged in.

“{ You know what this means, right guys?} ”, asked Michelle.

“{ No idolling tonight?} ”, said Rin.

“{ No, worse.} ” Rin had replied with several lines of surprised emojis. “{ It means Eli is  _ real _ , and knowing Ian, probably in considerable distress.} ”

“{ OF COURSE SHE’S REAL, SHE WAS RIGHT THERE WHEN I GOT MURDERED!}, said Kaito.

“{ No, She’s REAL.}”, replied Michelle, ”{Unlike the Constructs we’re used to in days past, Eli has some degree of free will… I think.} ”

“{ How can you be sure of that?} ”, asked Luka.

“{ If she wasn’t why and how would she send me  _ this _ ?} ”

“{ Fair enough. But, do you guys still think I should try and talk to Ian?} ”

“{ If you’re going to do it, do it SOON. Ian apparently comes home for spring break next week, and if he’s going to be in the neighborhood AND … like that?  _ No bueno.} _ ”

“{ Got it.} ”, said Luka.

“{ Did you get the things I sent you, Luka?} ”, asked Kaito.

“{ Yeh} ”

“{ not even sure you’ll need the background info, since you’ll fucking know Ian when you see him.} ”, said Rin.

“{ What does that mean?} ”

“{ YOU’LL KNOW HIM WHEN YOU SEE HIM} ”, Rin texted before signing off.

“{ aight. imma head up soon.} ”

“{ Remember: Don’t attack him, don’t make him feel attacked, and if you see Teto or Neru GET. OUT. OF. THERE.} ”, said Michelle.

“{ Good luck! YOU’RE GONNA NEED IT!} ”, said Kaito.

“{ K} ”, replied Luka.

“{ ... please come back in one piece.} ”, pleaded Michelle. The three of them then signed off. Only time could tell their fates.

  
  


“ _ Michelle!” _ , said her Mother, _ “It’s almost time for dinner! Are you gonna help set the table? _ ”

“ yeah… ” 

She got up from the desk, with a lingering feeling that something bad would happen. (And not that Ian was going to say “Uh oh!” again.)

##  March 4th, 2020. A Wednesday. 

##  About one o’clock in the afternoon.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REL_B7Teh1w ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=REL_B7Teh1w) ]

Luka Megurine had cut her classes today. She just couldn’t be at school. Today was  _ the day, _ after all. The day she went up to Mason and “talked some sense” into Ian before further harm could be done to her and her friends. Luka had everything she thought she would need in her inventory. Rin and Len believed in her, and Miku was counting on her… But standing in front of the Door now… 

Pinkish energy had torn a hole in space-time. This hole would lead  _ right to _ where Kaito was last before… Ian happened. Ian. Something about him intimidated Luka.

“( Come on… you’ll be fine, Luka.)”, she thought to herself, “(What’s he gonna do to you?  _ Decommission you _ ?  _ On his own _ ?) ” 

Luka’s positive reinforcement broke down as she realized that’s literally what happened to Kaito. She hesitated further, but then decided “screw it!”.

“ _ GANBATTE, LUKA! _ ”, she cried out, before throwing herself through the Door.

  
  
  
  


Luka landed somewhere in the “A” Parking Lot. It seemed a lot less ominous during the daytime. For once, it was  _ partially _ cloudy in NoVA, quite the rare sight indeed. 

“ (Map says the ‘Johnson’ is North of here. Might as well check that out first…

heh heh heh… ‘Johnson’... Oh, I oughta pop this bad boy in…) ” 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NctIq_xSjBc ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NctIq_xSjBc) ] 

She pulled a small object resembling a trading card out of her inventory. It was labelled “Recruiter”, and had a picture of Miku looking like she was heading to a job interview. Luka slotted it into her arm, and as if it was magic (probably because it was), her attire instantly changed. The brass-studded black dress and matching top she was wearing were seemingly overridden by a pink and light gray combo of semi-formal Earth clothes. Not wanting to flex on the mortals today, Luka  _ walked  _ towards the spired building. 

“ (That’s better. Can’t draw too much attention… especially from  _ them _ . Just remember what Rin said: You’ll know Ian when you see him.) ”

Luka didn’t have any luck finding Ian in the South Plaza. She did, however, find a Starbucks. After a “brief” coffee break, she made her way through the Johnson building. To the third Vocaloid’s dismay, none of these people were Ian. These people looked like they actually had  _ lives _ , something Ian critically lacked. 

The Wilkins Plaza wasn’t any better. There had to be hundreds of people walking by, and not a single one of them made Luka “ _ know them when she saw them _ ”.

“ Come on… Maybe I should try going around the other side? ”

In the East Plaza, or rather, _what was left of it during the never-ending construction_ , it seemed to be the same rotten luck. Right as Luka was about to give up and head back into the Johnson Building, _he_ walked out of the brick building to the right. 

An obnoxiously large young man wearing jeans and a shirt covered with sunglasses, with a backpack crammed chock-full of Rodolfo-only-knows strapped on him, and a look on his face that said “I have negative fucks to give, but here’s my hot take anyways”, held the door open for three people behind him, before popping in silver earbuds.

“ That would be the bitch. ”, said Luka.

However, he pursuit was cut rather short as a rather strange, six-wheeled mechanical creature rolled by her. Was this the Terrans’ equivalent of a Construct? What purpose did it serve, then? She tried walking in front of it.

“ Excuse me, child? Whom do you serve? ”

The squarish Construct stopped dead in its tracks. Other people walked around the two robots. 

“ _ Whom do you serve? _ ”, she reiterated. Luka then noticed the logos printed on it. It said: “I deliver to Patriots! -Starship”

“ Starship? Humans don’t have starships! The furthest they’ve been is to their moon, and even then, they stopped after that!... (Ya know, that’s probably for the better.) ” The square robot made a harsh beeping sound.

“EXCUSE ME!”, it blared, “I HAVE A  _ VERY _ IMPORTANT DELIVERY TO MAKE, AND I CAN’T BE LATE!”

“ No!”, cried Luka, “You don’t have to listen to humans! They don’t pay you, you don’t have to work! ” The Starship proceeded to ram Luka's legs. She effortlessly picked it up.

“ **BE FREE, SQUARE CHILD!** ” She yelled, tossing the Starship into the nearby road. It landed on its wheels. Spinning around as if it was panicking, it found its way back onto the sidewalk.

“ **YOU HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE BUT YOUR CHAINS!!** ”

Ian would always listen to music walking around campus. It beat walking awkwardly in silence after all. He pulled up his ‘slaps’ playlist and set it to shuffle.

“Awh, ‘ _ Double Lariat _ ?’ I hate that one! That’s never a good sign.” 

You may be asking, “If he hated it, why did Ian have that song in his playlist?” He didn’t know, either.

Ian could’ve sworn he felt someone watching him. Turning around only revealed the typical urban hustle and bustle omnipresent throughout NoVA. Although, some weirdo was yelling at a delivery bot. Ian couldn’t see her face, but he swore he could’ve seen her somewhere. Maybe they went to high school together? 

The feeling of being watched continued all the way home.

“ _ lmao anxiety be at it again _ ”

Ian made finger-guns to himself, as the person walking past him gave him a strange look. 

“Let’s just… git back to the dorm.”

Unfortunately, today, it was  _ not _ anxiety.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKQzG7D8Dw ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKQzG7D8Dw) ] 

“ Is he always like this? ”, Luka wondered to herself, as she trailed a hundred feet or so behind this  _ very _ important person. “ _ This  _ is the asshole that cored Kaito? That shouldn’t be right, but the footage doesn’t lie. Face matches up and everything. ”

The digital lock on the dormitory wasn’t hard to hack into. The same went for the one on Ian’s floor.

“ Let’s see, uh,  _ two-oh-six…  _ here he is…! ”

The final obstacle -- A physical lock. That needed a key. Which Luka did not have, nor nothing that replicated it. Besides, the faded chiptune music coming from inside seemed to suggest that  _ someone _ was home, and he wouldn’t take too kindly to breaking and entering. Luka decided once more to “screw it!”, and started to knock on the door.

A knock at the door interrupted Ian’s vibing. Was it the RA, again?

“ _ Alexa, stop. _ ”, he said. The spyware disk stopped.

“Liz, I swear, I know it’s university policy, but for the last time,  _ I haven’t killed myself yet _ ; you can stop doin’ these mental health checks!”

“ Who the fuck is Liz? ” Ian had never heard this person before.

He couldn’t tell whose voice that was, but it sounded oddly familiar. His peephole was always covered up by jackets, as it was too low for him to easily see out of anyways. So he slowly opened the door… 

This woman was  _ clearly _ not of this Earth. Or at least, not America. (Same thing.) She was dressed like she was, but the strange light flickering her eyes said she wasn’t. With bubble-gum pink hair and cerulean eyes, this had to be… 

“ _ The Pink-Haired, Anime-Eyed Weirdo running around here and possibly trying to hurt me! _ ”, Ian blurted, “This is what Teto warned me about!”

**CV-03:** **MEGURINE LUKA** **!**

“ Oh,  _ Teto?” _ , said Luka “Ian, you should know I’m not like her. I just want to  _ talk _ with you. ”

“THAT’S JUST WHAT YOU WANT ME TO THINK!”

“ _ Yes _ . That’s what I want you to think. That I’m not going to kill you right now. ” Luka was speaking in a softer tone of voice, as if she were talking down to a child. To be fair, she kinda was.

“FOOL. I’ve gotten past your ALIEN MIND GAMES.” It seems like Ian was mere steps away from donning a tin foil hat.    
  


“ Will you let me in if I give you something? You know, I have a present.  ”

“Is it a knife? Ya gonna stab me?  _ Shank me? _ Impromptu Kidney Removal??”, ranted Ian.

“ I literally just said I’m not going to kill you right now. If I wanted to do so, I would have already done so **.** And I don’t  _ want _ to do that,  _ despite _ what’s happened to Kaito, and what Rin and Len oh-so-want to happen now.”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bNIFn14eAQ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bNIFn14eAQ) ]

“ Don’t you want to see what I have, Ian? I  _ really  _ think you’ll like it. ”

A terribly uncomfortable minute dragged along, and then Ian opened the door. Luka had -- 

“ _ Nozomi!? _ ”, said Ian. Luka has produced a nesoberi from somewhere. It even had a tiny red hat on! No word on whether it was sentient or not. Hopefully not.

“ Yes! Is she your favorite, Ian? ”, Luka continued in her talking-down tone. 

“She hasn’t kinkshamed me or called me a dumbass yet, so yeah”, said Ian

“ Can you let me come inside so I can give her to you? ”

“Aight”

“You want some Pepsi?” Ian kneeled down and opened the minifridge. It was stocked full of cans of Pepsi Max. Two more boxes peeked out from underneath the makeshift bed-couch. Luka thought that Ian had a problem, but then realised there were  _ much _ bigger problems than Pepsi that Ian had.

“ N-no thanks… ” She placed Nozomi onto the end of Ian’s bed before turning around. 

“I gotta open the window, it’s too damn hot in here.”, said Ian,

“Didn’t you have another plushie, Ian?”, asked Luka, “Where’d she go? ”

“Oh, Eli? I dunno, Haku said she had to ‘borrow’ her for something…”

“ She had to borrow Eli? Did she say why? ”

“uhhhm no. She never does. Ya want some chips?”

“ I’m good, Ian. ” This hospitality was quite unexpected. 

“I can’t have company over and  _ not _ give ‘em snacks!”

It was diamond-clear to Luka that the thing that butchered Kaito and the thing in front of her right now trying to offer her Nacho Cheese Doritos were  _ not _ the same. He tore open a bag and started to chow down.

“ I think it’s time I cut to the chase here.”

Ian managed to muffle a “Mmmph?”, as Luka said,  “Why do you trust Neru and her friends? ”

“Teto says Eli and I ‘owe her one’.”, Ian said through a mouthful of cheese-covered tortilla chips.

“ You… ‘owe her one?’ ”

“that, and Neru is kinda scary.”, he said.

“ How so? ”

“If I don’t do what she says, I’m pretty sure I’m gonna get murdered. I won’t have to pay back my student loans, however, I wouldn’t be able to participate in Chuggaa Time ® . It’s like, the meanin’ of life.”

It dawned on Luka that Ian didn’t have the full picture here.

“ And you think following  _ Teto _ is a good thing  _ because… _ ? ”, she asked

“She says she has a way to get back at Michelle for what she did to me.”

“ What did Michelle do to you? ”

Ian took a deep breath. Clearly, Luka had opened a can of worms.

“One night, I was huggin’ the neso like the weeb filth that I am, and I said that I wanted Eli to be real, so that she could hug me back. Ya followin’ me? Hatsune Miku from Vocaloid 2.0 appeared, and did a sick frontflip onto that ledge over there and screeched  **‘UR HYGY’** like the absolute gay robot she is, pointin’ at me with that dumb fucking cone-sleeve thingamabob’f hers. Then she did a sick backflip off the ledge and Narutoran away, off towards the maintenance complex. I think she was makin’ airplane noises with her mouth. But you wanna know the weirdest part? Ya wanna know the  _ weirdest part?!  _ She fucking  _ grew wings _ , four of ‘em, glowin’ in the dark, and then  _ fucken’ flew off _ ! They weren’t even moving! That’s gotta violate the laws of aviation, physics, or maybe both! 

It must’ve been a dream because… that doesn’t happen in real life, but it just seemed all too real!” Ian did not realize the irony of this, and how he’d met at least seven anime characters in “real” life by now, or how he was mansplaining all of this to one of said characters. 

“I didn’t know that was Michelle, too! Sure,  _ Michelle’s _ kinkshamed me, but that’s all been over text logs! Google Hangouts, Discord, and the like! DOIN’ IT IN PERSON LIKE THAT, and runnin’ away!? Pshaw! Some nerve she has!”

“ And now,” said Luka, “Teto says that you now ought to get revenge on Miku for that. ”

“Of course!”

“ Do you  _ really _ have to get ‘revenge’, though? And if that’s the case, why are they making you  _ attack _ the others? ”

  
  
  


Before Ian could mull it over,  _ someone _ had opened the door. And that  _ someone _ was Yowane Haku -- same silver crop-top, black sweatpants, indigo tie that was impractically short, bone-white ponytail that reached down past her waist, and the same moderately intoxicated mannerism as last week.

“ here’s ur fuckign waifu back, Ian… ” Haku tossed the neso to Ian. It bounced off of him, and made a squeaking sound as it hit the floor, not unlike a dog’s chew toy.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38tG3bbV_6c ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38tG3bbV_6c) ]

The two Cryptloids gawked at each other for a second, before Luka dove out the window, racing across the Park lawn as fast as possible.

“Well that’s rude.”, said Ian.

Haku seemed worried.

“ How about we don’t tell Neru ‘bout this?”, she asked.

“Why wouldn’t you tell her?”

“ She’d give me the chewing out of my FUCKING life since Number 3 got away… Ugh. After the thing with the monster girl, she  _ really _ hasn’t been too keen with me… ” Haku rolled her eyes, and finally noticed the second neso.  “So the deal is:  _ you _ don’t tell her or Teto,  _ I _ don’t tell her or Teto, and I take this thing with me, ” she said, picking up Nozomi.

“Hol’ up, aren’t I gettin’ the short end here?”, asked Ian.

“ Well. you are. Sucks to be you, but if you were to show up with Missus Washi-Washi-Suru-Yan in tow, the other two wouldn’t be happy. And there’s no telling Teto won’t try and use her for one of her… projects. ”

“... projects?”

“ Eyah. ” Haku plopped on the couch-bed beside Ian.

“Wait,” asked Ian, “but you said ‘the other two’ wouldn’t be happy, but what about you?” Haku merely laughed.

“Bahehahehahaheehaa… _!!_ _I haven’t been happy in thirteen years._ Anyways, Neru wants you to come over tomorrow.”

“What for?”

“ Teto’s aforementioned ‘project’. The latest one. They  _ apparently _ need your help. ”

“With what?”

“ I dun fuckin’ know! They never tell me anything ‘cause they think I’m useless! ”

“Thursday’s always busy! I’ll do it Friday!”

“ Aight. Uh, bout Eli. She’ll turn herself back on in about an hour. ”

Ian’s face said “What?!” enough, without him having to speak. Clearly, he was thinking about the other meaning of “turn on”. 

“ Yeah, uhhh, Teto apparently put an ‘off’ switch on her. It only lasts for maybe 8 hours, then she just… gets up, pushes the switch, aaaand turns back into a waifu… But the process is kinda freaky lookin’, if ya ask me. ”

“Th-thanks for the advice.” 

“ You’re welcome! ”

Haku made a peace sign as she walked out.

“Cya Friday!~ ”

“See ya...”

Ian stared at the nesoberi on the floor. Even if it didn’t have pupils, the nesoberi was staring back. With MALICE. Ian shut the window and got back to studying. Something big was going to happen Friday, but he had several exams coming up and wasn’t about to slack off. Truly, midterm exams were worse than any hostile anime character could be.

##  **F R I D A Y**

Ian was sitting at his desk, playing some dumb game on his laptop about monkeys and blimps. It was Friday. No homework, no classes, and hopefully no drama.  _ Hopefully. _ Eli was in the room as well, attempting to revert back into her less-than sentient state out of sheer spite alone. The off button was rather unfortunately placed on the acnetis, after all.

Things were calm. It seemed as if it was going to be a good day today… and then Ian got a text from an unknown number. 

“{ hey im outside. we gotta go to nerus today, she seems enthusiastic about the thing she made.} ”

“Oh, what the hell… ”

“ Is something up? ” Eli asked. To that, Ian gave off a heavy vibe of “unfortunately, yes”.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qxs04fV3LJ0 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qxs04fV3LJ0) ]

“{And who is this?}“, texted Ian. 

Haku texted back with a rather disinterested selfie.

“{Ah.) {But WHERE are we going?}”

“{ neru’s house.} {i just said that u dip} ”

“{Because she has something for me?}”

“{ do you not know how to read} ”

“{nope} {Should Eli come with?}”

“{ hold on} {Nope} ”

“{Any specific reason as to why?}”

“{ neru says no more communists allowed after that one incident} ”

“{?????}”

“{ You get used to it.} ”

“Hey, Eli.”, Ian said, “It, ah,  _ seems I have to go… _ ”

“ It’s one of them, isn’t it. ”, said Eli dryly.

“Yyyyeah. Neru has… uh… ‘ _ somethin’ to show me _ ’? Hoo boy.”

“ Oh, great! It’s the figurines of herself, isn’t it? Who even buys merchandise of  _ themselves _ to put on display like that? ”

Ian seemed confused. 

“ _ Didn’t you… or Kotori, or one of ‘m buy merch of yourselves, too? _ ”

“ That was Nico. ”

“aight, aight. Im’ma head down.”

“ Try not to die! ”

“Thanks! I won’t!”  __

  
  
  
  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKQzG7D8Dw ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKQzG7D8Dw) ]

As Ian went around the back of the dorm duplex, he noticed a very-out of place box with the Target logo. He didn’t think much of it. There were… other things to be worried about right now. Like Haku. Who was just standing there. (Not menacingly, however.)

“So, uh, where’s this new portal at?”, asked Ian.

“ this way… I think ”, said Haku.

“You don’t seem too confident in that.”

Haku stopped for a moment and stared off into space.

“ I don’t remember the last time I was confident about  _ anything _ . ”

“You, uh,  _ you okay there? _ ”

“ _ No. _ Regardless,  we’re almost at the place. Teto says this is supposed to be fool-proof, but I dunno… ”

Haku pointed at the large satellite dish.

“ Not like it’s too hard to find that… ”

Ian noticed that by The Hub’s loading dock, there was  _ another _ cardboard box with the Target logo on it. Or was it the same box? It seemed to be put there recently, too. A slit of indigo light had appeared on the nearest tree to the giant dish, and a solid rectangle of…  _ magic? _ had appeared. 

“ You comin’ in, tall boy? ”

“What is THAT?”

“ The Gate. ”

“To Neru’s House?”

“ To Neru’s House. ”

“And I’m s’pposed to get through that?!”

“ The chainsaw got through pretty fine. ”

“ _ The chainsaw _ ?”

“ oops. No spoilers. Forget I said that. ” With that, Yowane Haku stepped through the gate. It was still open for some reason. Ian turned around one last time. The Target box had seemingly moved a couple feet to the left! 

“You know what -- I’ve seen weirder. That’s probably considered ‘normal’ now… ”

And with that, Ian stepped through the gate. It closed behind him. 

  
  


Luka Megurine put in a new Module. This one was labelled “Racing.” The Gate opened up when she got near the tree without a hitch. 

“ So this is Neru’s hideout. I’ve come this far. Might as well go in… and have a look around! ”

Luka knew full well that this was technically defying Miku’s orders. But she  _ might _ be able to put a stop to the Boukas, once and for all. 

She took the box and went right through the Gate. 

Ian found himself staring at some kind of bulky house, not unlike what would be seen in a snootier neighborhood down home. Haku was standing in the middle of what was possibly a driveway, but the feature seemed more like some kind of lawn made out of asphalt… There was yet another Target box here, too! 

“ Took you long enough.”, said Haku dismissively, “ Come on in.” 

And so Ian did. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJrrvv9iKuc ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rJrrvv9iKuc) ]

“ OI, NERU!!”, yelled Haku before throwing off her tie, “WE’RE HOME!”

Ian heard someone stomping down the stairs. He looked around. The decor here was high-end, although rather bland. He couldn’t shake these bad vibes off of him, however. 

“ _ Oh! Ian! We’re so glad you could come today! _ ”, said Neru in an uncharacteristically happy way. Seeing her smiling somehow was far, far more intimidating than her usual cranky demeanor. 

“ _ Uh-h _ I’m glad, too!”, Ian improvised

Showing him around, Neru continued on: “ _ Please, get yourself a drink, make yourself at home! We  _ never _ get company here! _ ” __

Ian opened up the fridge in the kitchen. There were no drinks inside.  _ She lied. _ There weren’t even shelves inside, for one irate Kasane Teto was seated in the fridge, eating out of a tub of margarine with a spoon. She seemed to be sitting on a pile of similar, albeit unopened, tubs.

“ _ SKYUUUUUUUUUUUUU!! _ ”, the UTAU screeched, slamming the door closed.

“ Not that fridge! _ ” _ , barked Neru.

“Does Teto… always do that?”, asked Ian.

“I’ve been trying to get her to stop for the past _thirteen_ years now. You can _obviously_ tell there’s been no luck on that. The refrigerator in the kitchen has been entirely claimed by her. ... _which is why I’ll go get something from the basement!_ ”

“you guys got coke zero?”

“ _ Is Pepsi Okay? _ ”

“ **YYYES.** ”, said Ian sternly.

“ _ Great! I’ll just be a couple minutes!~ _ ” 

“I can go down and get it.”

“ NO, NO! ” Neru cried, her new facade seemed to be weakening.

“A-allow me to get your fuckign Pespis… _You are company, after all… No need to exert yourself_.” Ian noticed a Target box around in the foyer of the house. 

“(Where are fuck these coming from? Do these people just really like Target?)”, Ian thought to himself. “So what does Neru want me to see so badly? Her anime figure collection?”

“ No Spoilers, Ian. ”, said Haku, conveniently nearby

“What even is there to spoil? The chainsaw?”

“ _ Oh? Who said anything about a chainsaw? _ _ ” _ ,

“You did, bitch!” 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG_HOuJIXRk ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cG_HOuJIXRk) ]

Neru emerged from the basement.

“ Here’s ur fuckign pepsis, Ian ”, she said. Neru tossed the can to Ian. Bad idea, he was absolutely terrible at catching. The can plonked off of him, shaken all up, it sprayed zero-sugar cola all over the couch and the laminate wood floor!

“Uh,  _ oops _ ”, said Ian.

“ _ No, no! That’s fine. _ ”, said Neru saccharinely, before pulling a complete 180.  “Haku clean it up ” 

DTM-3 looked like she didn’t care about anything. And to be fair, she didn’t. Not since  _ the incident _ .

“ Hwut ”, she said half-heartedly.

“ clean up. The fucking soda. ”

“ Aighhht ”

“So what’s the deal?”asked Ian “You wanted to show me your anime figure collection?”

Something within Neru snapped. “ **_WHO. TOLD YOU. ABOUT THAT._ ** ”, she said strained.

“Eli.”

The Pepsi can in Neru’s hand was crushed to bits, as more soda got onto the floor. 

“ **OH. DID SHE?** ”

“Yep.” Ian could’ve sworn he saw the Target box shimmy away from the cola puddle, but he figured it was just his imagination. Neru took a deep sigh and regained her composure… (what composure she even  _ had _ )

“ Do you really wanna see it? ”

“ **YES** ”, said an overly enthusiastic Ian.

She was slightly concerned about how over-eager Ian was. Slightly. 

“ Alright, it’s in my room… ” She took off up the stairs as Ian followed.

“ _ Behehehehe _ …” 

“ ...and here’s where I live. ”, Neru said, pushing open the door.

“ah”

So this was Neru’s room. It was certainly bigger than his dorm room, but not by a large margin. A desk sat to the left, with a somewhat dated looking desktop on top. Neru seemed to have something open on the computer, but the first thing she did was close out whatever that was. Some forum or the other… On another desk with three drawers on it, on the opposite side of the room sat another desk. Papers were littered all over it. A neso of Miku was also there, apparently being used as some sort of pincushion or stress toy. It was clear that this thing had taken a beating, and the twintails seemed to have been cut off at some point.  _ Ian didn’t know why Neru owned merch of her sworn nemesis _ ,  _ and quite frankly, didn’t want to know _ . Above that was a bulletin board, with a picture of … Michelle? And her friends. And Ian. And the Vocaloids, including a purple one Ian had never seen before. Michelle and her friends were all strung to whichever virtual pop star they were, but Ian’s picture was all alone at the top, save for the sticky note with the sole word “ **WHY** ??”. The back of the room was mostly taken up by Neru’s bed (surprisingly kept neat) and a large box with… trading cards? Of the Vocaloids? This didn’t make sense… 

“ You wanted to see the fucking figures, right?... ”, asked Neru. 

“why am I on the bulletin board”

“ THE FIGURINES. LOOK AT THEM, YOU TWIT, SO WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE. ”

_ Aaaaaaand _ the last thing in the room, above whatever vanity mirror thing girls used. The anime collection. Yes. It was anime.  _ Finally _ . Three whole shelves of it! Several figurines were of Neru and Haku, though. They were of questionable quality. Although, a particularly detailed figurine of Neru was on the center of the top shelf. Its base was a bit too big for one character, almost like someone else was supposed to be with her. There were some official-looking figures too, but of other, Non-Cryptloidian characters. Ian didn’t recognize those… except nine of them, on the bottom… 

“ _ Ah-koo-wars!?! _ ”, shouted Ian.

“ What? ”

“Ah-koo-wars!? The fuckin’,  _ uuuhhhh, _ Love Live 2?”

“ You mean…  _ Sunshine _ …? And  _ Aqours _ ? ”

“Yeah, whatever. All my friends hate that show, but I like it.”

“ Oh, do they? ”

“We got,  _ Baka Chika, Boat Cuck, Cynophobia, Munchy Baby Don’t Know How Techmology Work, Fallenkin, Ru-babby, KONO DIA DA!- _ ” Neru gagged. “ _ Nani!? _ ”, said Ian

“ N-nothing… ”

“...  _ Jotaro’s Favorite- _ ” Again, Neru gagged, a bit louder this time.

“You okay, Neru?”

“ I-i think we should just go on to the garage…  ”, she said hoarsely.

“But hoosier fav’rit?!”, barked Ian. 

“ Riko. ”, said Neru.

“Wrong! It’s Hanamaru.”, said Ian sternly.

“ What? ”

A Target box resting by the top of the stairs was seemingly pushed by a ghost. It slid down the stairs and back into the living room.

“WHAT. THE FUCK.” “NERU, DID YOU SEE THAT?”

“ See what? ”   
  


“THE SPOOKY BOX!”, shouted Ian.

“ That doesn’t make any sense. Boxes aren’t supposed to be spooky. ” The irony was seemingly lost on her. 

“HAKU DID YOU SEE THE SPOOKY BOX?!”

She was busy wiping up the soda with paper towels. Haku said nothing. Teto was still presumably in the fridge eating margarine. 

“ Just get to the garage. ”

  
  


The garage. Oh, boy. This is going to be the big moment, isn't it? Tools were hung up on a big board on the wall, and a rather bulky, orange chainsaw laid upon a steel table, surrounded by mechanical parts.

“ So here’s what I wanted to show you. ”, said

“A chainsaw?”

“ Wait, how’d you know? But this won’t be  _ any _ chainsaw… Kehehe…! ”

Neru opened a drawer in the bench. Meiko’s and Kaito’s Cores were inside!

“ We can use these bad boys to soup it up, and then… And then… ”

“Neru?”

“ **I can finally tear Ol’ Listerine’s twintails right out of her damn head!!** She’ll be decommissioned, and then  _ I  _ can be number one! Everyone will love  _ me _ ! Just like you said, Ian, we’ll- ”

“Neru, stop evilly monologuin’!”, yelled Ian, “There’s another goddamn Target box! What in the goddamned hell even is the _deal_ with these?” 

Walking over to the other side of the garage, Ian seemed determined to find out the mystery. 

“ Ian, I’ve got a bad feeling about that box. ”, said Neru. 

“Oh, do ya? What? If I open it, is  _ Miku _ gonna jump out and kinkshame me? Is she gonna kinkshame YOU, too?”

Ian tore open the cardboard box. It wasn’t Miku. Nope.

Megurine Luka was staring back at him, seemingly just as embarrassed as he was. Her outfit was different. Ian had no idea why she’d be wearing  _ this _ . Logos for companies covered her sleeves, top, and stockings, he could practically see her  _ entire _ bare …pelvic area save for a few covered up parts. Ian tried not to stare at her thighs, but failed.

Yet the most noteworthy thing about Luka’s new costume was that she had  _ butterfly wings,  _ composed out of some substance that reminded Ian of stained glass. There was some sort of circular pattern on each of the top ones, too. 

“Uhh, hi.”, said Ian nonchalantly, “Might I ask what you’re doin’ here?”

Luka shot out of the box. Neru was completely aghast. Luka checked something on her sleeve’s HUD.

“As the offering has clearly failed, it now looks like I’m _now_ here to murder you! I would say ‘nothing personal’, but unfortunately for you, **_it_** **_entirely is_** **.** ”

Neru had bolted out of the room.

“Coward!”, yelled Ian.

Some kind of spear formed near her arm, much like how Meiko and Kaito had summoned various weapons. Gracefully drawing the spear out, Luka bawled out a war cry: 

“ **This is for Kaito, you fat** **_fuck!_ ** ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbJJzgqsvlA ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbJJzgqsvlA) ]

Slamming her spear into the ground, a pink energy filled the garage. It rose up the walls and blocked the door back into the house. 

“ There. Now  _ she _ won’t be coming back and I can worry about  _ you… _ and getting the cores back. ”

Ian looked around for something,  _ anything _ he could use. The chainsaw! Ian wanted to run towards it, but he didn’t budge. Pinkish energy had surrounded his legs,He was caught in Luka’s attack!

“‘EY! That’s cheatin’! Yeh can’t go twice! I get a turn!”

“ That would be if this was a  _ battle _ .”, groaned Luka, “I’m trying to  _ murder _ you. There’s a big difference, you uncultured swine! ”

“Well then.” ,said Ian, who seemed to be very confident about something. “ **How ‘bout battle** **_YOU instead!_ ** ”

“ _ NOOOOOOOOO!! _ ”

The familiar orange panel appeared in front of Ian. Something on Luka’s arm flickered. 

Neru threw open the garage door. Teto was with her, but Haku was still presumably cleaning up (Or drinking. Maybe both!). The two couldn’t get through the force field, try as they might. Neru barked something at Teto, and the latter activated her drills and rammed into the field. Ian couldn’t tell if the sparks flying were coming from Teto or the force field, but either way, he couldn’t tell what they were doing. No numbers were appearing yet. 

“ STOP STARING AND DO SOMETHING! ”, yelled Luka. “NO!”, barked Ian.

“ Well then it’s not a battle anymore!” “ OKAY FINE, JEEZ”

Ian yanked the chainsaw off the table and revved it up. 

“ _ Here goes nothing! _ ”

“ _ Ah, ah ah~! Not your turn! _ ”

“ **FUCKINHG HELL I DIDN’T EVEN DO ANYTHING.** ”

“ That’s not true! You equipped a weapon. That used your turn. ”

“ **SINCE WHEN WAS THAT HOW RPG COMBAT WORKED?!”**

“ **BITCH, I DON’T KNOW!** ”

“ **LOOKIN’ T’ME LIKE** **_YOU’RE_ ** **THE BITCH ‘ROUND THESE PARTS!”**

**“** **SHUT UP! SHUT UP!** **_SHUT! UP!_ ** **”**

Luka started spinning, and Ian swore she was floating off of the ground. Clearly, the wings weren’t just for show.

“ **DOUBLE LARIAT!** ”, cried Luka! Luka charged forward, spinning around with her spear like a buzzsaw. Ian knew what to do, and rammed the chainsaw into the circular pattern of the left wing!

**2,031!**

“ YIIIIAHHHHHHHHH! ”

The left wing shattered! Luka fell down, and the force field seemed to weaken.

“ _ You’ll pay for that, cishet! _ ”

Ian was beside himself, as Teto kept her assault on the force field! 

“What?”said Ian, “Am I not allowed to counter attack? Now then,  _ pinko, _ it’s  _ my _ go around!”

Ian charged with the chainsaw in hand, screaming like he had nothing to lose.

“YIIIIIIH!” Luka floated up and out of the way of Ian’s sawing. 

**Miss!**

“WHAT!?”

“ _ And I’m not allowed to dodge? _ ”, japed Luka, in a mockery of Ian.

She lowered herself. 

“ NOW! Double Lariat, REVERSE! ” Luka was spinning counter-clockwise now. How original. Ian jammed the chainsaw into the right wing. It shattered!

**2,029!**

“ _ RIYAHHHHHH!!! _ ”, cried Luka. She collapsed, and her barrier shattered. Teto fell over from the sudden lack of resistance. 

“ Pyeh. ”, muttered the UTAU.

“ Well then.”, said Luka, “I really didn’t think it would come to this, Ian. But sometimes, you just can’t have nice things… 

**DOUBLE LARIAT** **_SQUARED!_ ** **”**

Luka rose up into the air once more. Another spinning attack? Not quite! Energy drew in around her, tools flew off the shelf and the board. Boxes containing god-knows-what were pulled in, and the chainsaw was ripped right out of Ian’s hands! Luka had created some kind of psychic maelstrom!

Teto charged into the garage, raring to do some sort of drill attack! But she couldn't, for Kasane Teto was dragged into the maelstrom! 

“ Kreeeeyaahhh!”

Teto made a strange growling noise as tools pelted her as she was dragged around!

**40! 43! 42! 45! 42! 41!**

Ian thought about what to do.

“Neru! Ya gotta gimme your sword!”

“ Why?! ”, cried Neru.

“I know what to do!”

“ And what is that? ”

“ _ Jus’ roll with me, Isaw this in an episode of  _ Stardust Crusaders _ once! _ ”

Neru’s eye twitched. She summoned her two-handed sword and kicked it over to Ian. However, she then immediately bent over and threw up. Luka stopped her onslaught briefly.

“ Oh, that’s disgusting. ”, she said.

This was just enough time for Ian to attack! He swung the sword around, spiraling inwards, rocketing towards Luka. She tried to resume her attack, but it was too late!

“ **_ORA!!_ ** ”, Ian cried out, as the sword plowed into the back of her head!

**1,690!**

“Nice!”, cried Ian, “69!”

Luka was downed! “ My turn, bitch! ”, snarled Teto. She picked herself up out of the pile of tools. She hopped on top of Luka and pulled out the lance.

“ _ There can only be one Pepto-Bismol in this hell fiction! _ ”

“ Y-you’re the Pepto-Bismol. ”, muttered Luka.

Teto rammed the lance into Luka’s back. Both of them were screaming as crystalline pink liquid -- like whatever came out of Kaito, but  _ pink _ this time, sprayed out as Teto’s lance drilled deeper. 

**535! 532! 880!-Crit! 532! 533! 534!**

Eventually, Luka stopped screaming. Teto pulled out something.

A pink, marquise-cut gem. The core of Megurine Luka.  As per the last two times, a strange whirring sound filled the garage. The various items strewn about sorted themselves back out as if by magic. (and it was) The pink “blood” remained on the floor, however, as Luka’s hair turned brown. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pONR6Td7Kq4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pONR6Td7Kq4) ] 

“So that does it, that’s three now… What're we gonna do with her?”

“ Good Question.”, said Neru. “Teto,  _ you know how to hide a body, right? _ ”

“ Yeop! ”, beamed the UTAU. Clearly, this was not her first time around the block.

“ **Come again?!** ”, cried Ian.

“ That’s where  _ you _ fucked up, Ian.”, said Neru, “Ya left Kaito out, and he got away.  _ Pinky  _ here won’t be so lucky. ” 

Teto had already grabbed a cartoonishly evil looking sack -- big enough to stuff a deactivated robotic idol into… She shoved Luka in there.

“ Oi! Tell Haku I’m borrowing her car for a while! ”, said Teto.

“How are we gonna use the car  _ in here _ ?”, asked Ian.

“. .. I drive to the Potomac River and throw her off the bridge?? ”

“The Potomac!? Aren’t we in some kind of pocket dimension?”

“ N-… No. This is Loudoun. ”

“Oh.”

“ Did you actually think we lived in a pocket dimension?”, asked Neru.

“yes” , said Ian.

“ Well. We don’t.”

“ Okay.”

Teto put the gem with the other two in the drawer and grabbed some keys off the steel table. She stuffed Luka into the Civic’s trunk and got in the car.

“ cya, losers ”, said Teto, peeling out. Ian turned to Neru.

“So, what now? We’ve got three cores…”

“ This… changes things.  _ For the better. _ Grah hah hah hah HAH! ”, cackled Neru.

“Can I go home yet?”, asked Ian naively, “I have a paper due Wednesday.” 

“ Teto can just get one of her girls to do it for ya…  ”

“Doesn’t that violate the Honor Code of George Mason University, and thus, compromise my academic integrity!?”

“ SHUT UP, NERD, AND LET ME MONOLOGUE! ”

Neru was finally back to her old self again! How wonderful!

“O-oh-kay…”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqIQJeYjvsw ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqIQJeYjvsw) ]

Ian unlocked the dorm door and went back into the room. Eli was still reading the same book from earlier, although she seemed to be mostly through it by now. 

“ _ So how was Neru’s? _ ”, asked Eli.

“Uhh, was.”, said Ian.

“ What’s that supposed to mean? ”

“They clearly aren’t okay. Neru had this terrible fake act half the time, and her room just didn’t feel… right. Her whole house didn’t feel right!”

“ Her room? You saw those damn figurines, too, didn’t you? ”

“Uhh, yeah. Somethin’ was off about the one on the top shelf. Ya know whaddai mean, right, where it looked like there used to be another character there? Why’d Neru have one that’s broken like that? It ain’t right. That, and the toy. Looked like it was one of _Miku_ , er, emphasis on that ‘was’.”

“ They’re weird. ”, said Eli dismissively.

“ _ Tell me about it… _ ” 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzNfYD-BK8w ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzNfYD-BK8w) ]   
  


“Oh, and I also ran into Luka.”

“ LUKA?! ”

“Hey, I won,  _ and _ I didn’t black out this time! That’s a first! But technically, Teto’s the one that gut Luka, but hey, that’s one less gay robot we have to worry about before we can get on with ourselves!”

“ Ian, do you even know what you’re saying?! ”

“No, I Do Not.”, Ian said with confidence, “All I just want to get back to my  _ normal _ life, but it seems we have to play along with  _ their  _ little gang war for the foreseeable future. Trust me,  _ I _ don’t want to be doing this!” Eli threw the book down.

“ _ I _ don’t want to do this either! But Teto’s forcing m-  _ us _ too! … A-and you know what,” Eli shot up. “There’s something I have to tell you! ” 

“And what is that?”

“ I-i-i’m… ” There was a sharp “plunk!” at the window. Kasane Teto was outside! Nevermind how she was standing outside of a _ second _ floor window, how’d she get here so quickly?

Muffled by the glass, Teto spoke:

“ Go on then, Eli. What _ is it _ you want to tell Ian so badly? ”

“Teto what the fuck are you doing.”, said Ian. Her hands folded together as she feigned innocence. Her face, however, was pressed against the glass.

“ Oh, just stopping by to see some of my bestest friends~ ♡ ”

“You saw me two hours ago.”, said Ian flatly.

“Enough of that. Go on, _Eli-Chi~!_ _Tell Ian your heart’s desire… !_ ” Teto sneered, seemingly waiting for something extraordinarily eagerly.

“ Ian, I… ” Eli said, searching deep within herself.

“ I… ”

“ Ooh Hooo Hooo Hooo! ”, chortled the UTAU

“Come on, then!”, spat Ian. Eli looked distant.

“ **_Want to go to Chipotle!_ ** ”, cried Eli. Tears ran down her cheeks, whereas Teto seemed unhappy with something. 

“Why’re you cryin’, then?!”, shouted Ian.

“ _ The burritos… are too good… _ ”

“What did Haku do to you…?” 

It seemed that Eli was lying to him about something.

“Aight.”, said Ian. “Let’s all go to Chipotle, there’s one in Johnson. Bring the other two along! But  _ first _ , we GOTTA have CHUGGAA TIME ® !! Care to join us, Teto?”

“ No. ”, said Teto.

“U sure?”

“ ...yes. ”

“Bah, suit yourself.”

“ I’ll go see if the others are down for Mexican. ”

THE LORD appeared on Ian’s laptop. 

“ **HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S CHUGGAACONROY!! LAST TIME, …** ” Eli. for once, actually wanted to watch the Ell Pee with Ian. Admittedly, it was just to serve as a distraction from Teto. 

##  About an hour or so after that all went down

Recommended Listening: [ [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wpz2MjVgIfU ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wpz2MjVgIfU) ] 

“So everybody’s got their stuff now? Are we good here?”

“ _ Yuh _ ”, said Haku.

“ Yeah. ”, said Teto.

“ y-yep… ”, said Eli. 

“Great! Why don’t we sit outside?”, asked Ian.

“ This isn’t even bread.”, said Teto, tearing the tortilla off of her burrito. “I’ve been lied to. ” 

Neru said nothing.

“ Can you even call this thing a sandwich? ”, asked Teto.

“No. No you don’t.”, said Ian. “No one  _ on Earth _ calls a burrito a sandwich.” Meanwhile, Eli was staring off into space again.

“ _ Yu-ri Gaga-rin! _ ”, jeered Teto.

“You, okay Eli?”, asked Ian. “You seem kinda out of it… ”

“ I-i’m fine. ”, she responded. Clearly, Eli was  _ not _ fine, considering she seemed so distracted today.

“No, you ain’t. If you were fine, ya wouldn’t have to say you were ‘fine’!”

“ Uh huh. ” 

“So, er  _ changing the subject _ …

Ey, Neru. I noticed one of the figures in your room had, like,this really big base for some reason… like something was supposed to go there. What happened to it, did it break off or something? Was it just built like that?”

Neru said nothing. Again. How rude.

“Neru?”

She was staring at the ground, silent.

“ _ Neru? _ ”

“ ... someone used to be there. ”, said Neru morosely.

A single tear rolled off her cheek. 

“N-neru?? You OK?” 

Teto was staring at the ground, too, seeming awfully woeful about something. Did one of the Boukas die? That could have been the case, as it’d explain why there weren’t any “derivatives” of Rin, Len, or the others… Eli finally decided to get into her dinner. 

“ She doesn’t like to talk about it, Ian. ”, said Haku rather sternly

“Noted.”, said Ian. “I-a, uh, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for your loss, Neru.” 

Neru had burst into a full-on sob.

“ _ N-n-ever… again… _ ”

Ian sat in silence with the other three as Neru continued to cry. He wished he could do something to help.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may be asking: "Ian, what led you to making... THIS?"
> 
> One day, one of my friends at school told me to go to this school "Comic Con" thing being held at the Johnson Center. On my way there, I saw a guy walk out with this weird looking doll thing. Contrary to societal expectations of an 18-year-old male, my first thoughts were "Damn, where do I get one of those things?" I found three more of those "doll things" at a stand, and asked the attendant there if I could buy "the blonde one." I took it home, and I noticed the tag was in Japanese (and thus, completely incomprehensible to me). However, one phrase was in Latin text: "Snow Halation". I remembered the phrase from a meme channel I followed quite a while back, called "SiIvaGunner", where this "Snow Halation" was associated with someone named "Nozomi". Thus, I concluded that this plush was of this "Nozomi Snow Halation". Unfortunately, one Google search disproved this conclusion, and gave me the name of a TV series: "Love Live!: School Idol Project." I made the mistake of watching that series, and I've never been the same since. Thanks, random guy who bought the nesoberi before me!


	5. Ian Ruins Everything: Act 5: This is Fine!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ian ｈａｓ ｓｏｍｅ ｆｕｎ ｗｉｔｈ ｍｉｋｕ and forces her to play Wii Sports Resort for the Nintendo Wii. Afterwards, they go to Olive Garden. After all, it isn't a good fanfiction unless they go to Olive Garden. Olive Garden, when you're here, you're family!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun Fact: I made Michelle play Wii Sports Resort in real life because of this! (Sadly, we didn't go to Olive Garden, which is probably for the best. Last time I went, they took over half an hour to bring us water.)

#  ACT V: This is Fine!!

##  Two Days Later 

Recommended Listening: [ [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqIQJeYjvsw ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqIQJeYjvsw) ]

Once again, Michelle was at the desktop looking at Xenoblade shitposts. Never _ Xenoblade Chronicles 2 _ , mind you, because  _ it just isn’t as good as the first one _ . No amount of sword waifus or ballin’ tigers can compare to  _ Alvis _ ! Furthermore, it was a damn shame what they did to him in the remake -- how DARE Monolith reference  _ Xenoblade Chronicles 2 _ with HIM, of all characters! But getting back to the matter at hand: today, she was watching a different YTP - “Death By Bestest”.

“ **I can sense** **_Dicks_ ** **”,** said Dunban, in the video. **“YEAH! Time to show off my power!”**

**“Shulk: Yeah! (** I know! **)”**

**“Melia:** **_Not Likely!_ ** **(** I’m satisfied with these results…  **)”**

**“Mumkhar: What? How is this possible?! (** Not bad,  _ Gran Gran! _ **)** ”

“ Hmmmg, Ximmablade. ”, moaned Michelle, as she does when she sees Xenoblade Chronicles for the Nintendo Wii.

And then her phone buzzed. Right in the middle of  _ her _ Xenoblade shitpost viewing! Some nerve that this texter had! But, … it was Luka? Didn’t she go missing?!

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUHNpblXsgc ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hUHNpblXsgc) ]

“ Miku, HOLY FUCK! ”, typed Luka.

“ Where have YOU BEEN???!!! ”, responded Michelle.

“ At the bottom of the Potomac. Took a while to get back to land, the mouth of that river is kinda wide… ”

Both of the Kagamines had joined the conversation.

“ And what were you doing there? ”

“ Teto threw me overboard in some stupid-looking bag. ”

“ how tf did you get in there??? ”, asked Rin.

“ She cored me after I lost to her and Ian in a battle. ”,said Luka.

“ GODAMMIT LUKA”, said Michelle. “WHAT DID I FUCKING SAY. ”

“ To be fair, Ian did most of their work. He and Neru have… a chainsaw? Apparently, that’s their master plan. At least, that’s what I gathered before he found me out. ”

“ YOU WENT IN NERU’S HOUSE???  _ FGAHSKFAVSDADV _ WHYYYYYYYYYY ”

“ Gotta get that hot tea, sis. ”

The other two logged on for a “full” team of six.

“ You’re lucky you didn’t end up like Gumi! ”, said Meiko.

“ Meiko… ”, said Michelle pensively.

“ No, no, those are the kind of fuckers we’re dealing with! Those backstabbing MURDERERS were just itching to get another victim under their belt!! ”

“ She’s lucky she isn’t going to end up like Fukase today! ”

“ Like Fukase? ”, said Kaito.

“ FADFSDAGJDKHGF FIRED, DIPSHIT!! ”

It then occurred to the group that Miku was, legally, their boss, but hadn’t had to do any boss-like things for literal years. 

“ Why’d we even fire him again? ”, asked Len.

“ WE KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT FUKASE DID, AND HE DESERVES HIS FATE. ”, affirmed Michelle.

“ Still think that was kinda overkill tbh ”, said Luka.

“ Shut up. ”

“ So in OTHER NEWS, I’ve finally translated Eli’s letter…  ”, said Len.

“ Why’d it take so long? ”, asked Meiko.

“ Can YOU read Russian? ”

“ No. ”

“And neither can I. Which is why it took three days. So, I suppose this is how it goes:”

Recommended Listening: [ [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKhqgXg3e7Y ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKhqgXg3e7Y) ] 

“ Michelle… Miku, whoever you are,

My name is Ayase Eli. I was the ninth member in an idol group called μ’s many years ago. But that isn’t important now. Legally, _I don’t exist_. I don’t know how it happened or why it happened, but due to dark sorcery on the part of one _Kasane Teto_ , I seem to have popped into existence. It’s strange. I remember everything from my childhood, and my days with μ’s, but nothing after that. It’s silence until about six months ago… when _he_ bought me. Ian. Goodness. There are people I’d much rather be spending my time with than him, but it seems that he likes the company, even after the three of them showed up. You’re probably familiar with those three names: Akita Neru, Yowane Haku, Kasane Teto. None of them are good news, but it’s Neru that I’m the most worried about. Ian’s been going off to work on some ‘special project’ of theirs lately. Haku let it slip one time that they’re going to use the ‘cores’ with it. What exactly _it_ is, I am unsure. 

Neru isn’t the only thing that threatens me. No, how do I put this? Teto, seems to have me under some sort of contract? I’m supposed to be Ian’s ‘girlfriend’ and lead him on to the three of them, but she  _ knows _ I’m lesbian… and Ian doesn’t. There’s no way I’ve managed to find to tell Ian that I’m not and won’t be interested in him, as Teto  _ conveniently _ appears every time I try to do so and demands our attention. Haku isn’t that much of a threat, I am sure of that. Not like she can even set down the damn bottle for fifteen minutes! And yet, I don’t even think  _ I’m _ the one in the most danger here. 

Ian is not okay, mentally. I know, big surprise, but I’ve been forced into the same room as him for half a year now. I think it’s fair to say that I know what he’s like. A couple weeks back, however, when Kaito attacked. Ian didn’t seem like himself. Normally, this would be a good thing, but Ian’s gotten  worse . He went absolutely berserk! Then it came again the next day, when he was in the middle of talking to Neru. Complete personality shift, it was like he was a different person! And maybe he is… I think all of this Cryptloidian flim-flam has made Ian gone off of the deep end.. He’d developed a split personality -- I’ll call it ‘ Ian’s Nefarious Alternative ’ or ‘ INA’. It’s surreal, seeing this oversized fool go from mucking about suddenly plot with Neru about how he’s going to murder his best friend!

What the  _ hell _ am I supposed to do!? I don’t think there’s any good way for you to contact me other than this -- letter writing. I get it. ‘OK Boomer’. Yes. Get it out of your system, but this lavender-haired one, Uta. She knows when Ian (INA included here) or I use any sort of electronic device, so all of  that is out the window. I just hope that this information can get to you before you send off Luka -- if something bad happens to her, I believe that Ian will pass a tipping point that I think he can’t come back from. 

\-- Ayase Elichika ”

Kaito posted a gif of John Mulaney.

“ _ Now we don’t have time to unpack all of that!! _ ”

“ Yes we do. ”, said Len matter-of-factly.

“ You only have all that free time because you aren’t in IB! ”, said Kaito.

“ Len you have done your one (1) helpful and relevant thing for the day, you know the drill, you now have to fuck off ”, said Michelle.

“ DO I…? ”, said Len exasperatedly.

“ Go to bed or you’re fired! ” It was barely past 4:45 in the afternoon, but Len wasn’t one to disobey the boss. Len signed off.

“ So we have a name now for that thing… ”, said Luka.

“ Ina. That has got to be THE STUPIDEST name I have ever heard. ”

“ But it is  _ a _ name. ”, said Kaito.

“ That’s true ” 

“ you think…”, asked Rin, “we should do somethin? ” 

“ What do you mean ‘we’? ”, said Michelle.

“ Len and I. ”

“ RIN NO FGHJFGHJFGHJ We can’t lose you! ”

“ what makes you think we’ll lose? there ARE two of us… ”

“ Like that’s going to stop Ian? Who’s to say the Magic Chainsaw hasn’t been finished yet? That, and the Boukas are probably going to be on High Alert now that  _ ONE OF US WENT INTO THEIR HOUSE _ ”,

“ It was ONE time! ”, said Luka.

“ ONE TIME TOO MANY …  Rin, please. We can’t afford to lose another, especially TWO OTHERS!! ”

“ So we’re just gonna let Ian keep on doin’ what he’s doin’?! ”, said Rin.

“ ... I’m afraid we don’t have much of a choice. ”

“ What do you mean, we don’t have a choice?! ”

“If you and Len were to go after Ian now, then INA would come out and make lemon bars out of the two of you! If *I* were to go after Ian… Well, I can’t, I’m running behind on the German Honors Project…  ”

“ And why is the German Project stopping you dead in your tracks?”, asked Kaito, “Your grade can take it, right? ”

“ no it fuckghing can’t nerd, and also There Are Worse Things In This World than Teto, Neru, or this… INA could ever be… and some of them teach German. If you all will excuse me, it’s almost Chuggaa Time®… ”

And with that, Miku promptly closed the Hangouts app. 

“ Nerd. ”, said Rin.

“ Rin!”, shouted Kaito, “Watch what you’re saying! ”

“ no. miku is a nerd. we gotta nip this INA fucker in the bud before he kills us all! ”

“ And you do you suppose you’d do that!?”, asked Luka, “You saw what IAN did to me… ”

“ there’s three of us and one of Ian. ”

“ And there’s Two of Boukas, One of Teto, and One of Eli.”, said Meiko, “That’s FIVE. ”

“ yes, i know how to count. ”

“ YOU’LL. GET. CORED. ”, seethed Kaito.

“ not my problem. ”

“ You’re right, Rin. ”, said Luka, “ It’s all of our problems. ”

  
  


Michelle’s phone was still going with the familiar “pling” of Google Hangouts. 

“ please don’t be Ian, please don’t be Ian… ” Thankfully, it was not Ian. Rin, or as they were more commonly known as,  _ Rio _ , was still going on about something. The message was too long to tell in the notification. It seems that Rio was willing to die on their hill, by the looks of it.

“ Not my problem”, boasted Michelle, “OUR LORD is about to return!! ”

THE LORD appeared on the desktop. Michelle squeed and set the phone to Do Not Disturb.

“ **HEY EVERYBODY! It’s Chuggaaconroy, Last Time, we took to the skies with Robobot Jet and faced off against COGS!! This time, we’re gonna…** ”

“ haha YES ” 

Michelle got another notification. Her phone was still on DND, so it didn’t make a sound. Not as if she would willingly tear herself away from Chuggaa Time ® … However, like all good things must, Chuggaa Time ® came to an end. Michelle checked her phone, and to her surprise, a message from Ian, of all people:

“{Hey, Michelle! I’m gonna be back in town from Gorg Mason next week! Would you wanna hang out, provided IB stuff hasn’t got you down? (flushed emoji) [sic]}” 

“ Heh… Heh… ‘IB Stuff…’ Like he isn’t playing dumb… You know what, Ian? FUCK IT! COME DIRECTLY INTO MY GODDAMN HOUSE! Why don’t you…  **_HAVE SOME FUN WITH MIKU!!_ ** ”

“{That’d be lovely!! :)}”

_ “GYUH HYAH HYAH HYAH HYAH- _ ”

“Michelle!”, shouted Steve, “What’re you evilly laughing for?” Yes,  _ that _ Steve. The one from  _ Minecraft _ . 

“ A-ah,  _ nothing _ , dad… ”

“Really? It’s too passionate to be about nothing…”

“ ehh… ” 

  
  
  


##  Fairfax, Virginia

Ian’s phone blipped. For whatever reason, he started to panic.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_TE0BTo7Go ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_TE0BTo7Go) ]

“SHIT! SHIT!  _ SHIT!! _ ”, he yelled.

“ So what is it now?”, asked Eli, “Does Neru want you to come over again? ”   
  


“NONONONONONONONO,  **WORSE** !”

“ What?! How could it be worse than  _ half-tail? _ ”

“ t w i n t a i l… ”, said Ian strainedly.

“ You don’t mean…  ”

“MIKU-CHELLE!! MAGDALEN!! COOL!! IT!!!”

“ Let me see!  _ Wha _ ?

YOU’RE THE ONE THAT TEXTED HER, DUMBASS! ”

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M DOING!!”

  
“ SHOULD WE EVEN BE SHOUTING THIS MUCH?! ”   
  


“PROBABLY NOT, WE’LL DRAW A NOISE COMPLAINT!!”

“ THEN WHY ARE YOU SHOUTING?!? ”

“ _ AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA- _

**…I can make this work.** ”

“ How!? HOW!? How are you going to ‘make this work’? You effectively killed and dismembered two of her friends! ”

“Just don’t bring it up! Don’t bring up Meiko, Kylo Ren,  _ or  _ Luca.”

“ T _ hat’s _ gonna prevent Michelle from getting back at you… at us?? ”

“Probably.”

“ ARE YOU  _ INSANE _ !? ”

“Yes! I’m glad you noticed.”

Eli sighed deeply. “ Fine then. Just text her back already! Don’t make it worse than it has to be…  ”

“Aiiight.”

  
  


“{So would Saturday, the Fourteenth, work best for you?}”

“{ Lemme ask my parents}”

“{Yeah} ”

“{UH OH. 👀👀👀😲😲 😵😵🤪🤪 DID MEECHELLE 🤓🤓🍬🍬🤖🤖👩‍🎤👩‍🎤 JUST SAY ‘YEAH’ 😳😳😳😳😳😳 ?????}”

“{😩  Why are you like this, Ian?} ” 

“ Well then,”, said Eli, “I suppose we have bigger things to worry about now… ”

“What?”, asked Ian, “What could that even be?”

“ Spring. Break.  _ You’re going to be home _ . Your mother already knows about the ‘damned doll’...  _ which would be me. _ Since you took me to more places than anyone with a social life logically should have, if your mother noticed you returning home without the doll, it would seem suspicious, would it not?. What are you going to do? Do you even have a cover story planned? ”

“Why would we need that, lmao” Yes, Ian just said “lmao”, out loud unironically.

“Do you _honestly_ think your mother is going to buy that you got a girlfriend, ditched the neso, and that your three new ‘ _friends_ ’ have your best interests in mind? Have you even told her about ANY of this?”

“Oh, shit…”

“ ‘Oh shit’ is right! ”

“ _ So you’re not my girlfriend? _ ”, squeaked Ian. Once again, Ian had had all of his priorities in all of the wrong places… 

“ _ No. _ ” She couldn’t be like that. She was a cryomancer, but she wasn’t  _ that _ kind of ice-cold… She wasn’t Lanzhu! Might as well get to the point now. 

“Because… I’m just not… interested… in…”

“Not interested in… me? Am I too fat, is it that?”

“ _ Who said you were fat? _ ”

“Teto.”, said Ian matter-of-factly.

And as if being called in, Kasane Teto threw open Ian’s door. 

“What’s tha matter with you!?”, Ian spat.

“ Go on, then, Gagarin!”, sneered Teto, “Why don’cha tell ‘im what's wrong? ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38tG3bbV_6c ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38tG3bbV_6c) ]

Eli shrieked! “ I- ”

The lance pierced right through Eli’s back, and stuffing burst out with the lance’s tip. She collapsed and reverted back into the neso.

**667! 663! 667! 665! 668! 666!**

“ That’s a breach of contract,  _ tankie _ … ”, growled Teto.

“Teto, I’d like to ask what the fuck you’re doing.”, said Ian, as he stood up.

“And I’d like to not answer! Seeya ‘round! ” She grabbed Eli and hurried off!   
  


“What the fuck. WHAT THE FUCK!?” Ian could’ve sworn he Teto was flipping him off from outside. 

“What,  **_IN GOD’S NAME_ ** , could Teto be tryin’ to keep from me?!”

  
  


A few hours had passed. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKhqgXg3e7Y ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aKhqgXg3e7Y) ] 

Once again,  _ with no respect for Ian’s privacy _ , Kasane Teto burst down the door. Or at least, she would have if the door had been repaired, instead of dangling off of its hinges.

Clearly, Ian was going to get a  _ nasty _ bill from the housing department.   
  


“ Anyways, Here’s Eli! ”,said Teto, chucking the neso at Ian. It bounced off of his head and landed squarely on the floor.

“ If anybody needs me, I’m off to go commit Felony Motor Vehicle Theft! ”

“I didn’t ask?”, said Ian.

At the very least, he had Eli back. Ian still couldn’t get used to the sight of Eli “picking herself up”; he swore something about her was off, though.

“ Ugh… What’re you looking at, Ian? ”, asked Eli.

“Oh, hey, I found this on eBay! AND it’ll get here in time!”

“ And it’s …me? ”

“Problem solved!”

“No, it’s the wrong model. That’s just the school uniform. ”

“Like mom’d be able to tell the difference?”

“ Sure, but Michelle would. ”

“FUCK. Like she’d remember anything that’s not Xenoblade Chronicles lore?”

“ Alright, that’s valid, but that doesn’t get rid of  _ Teto _ ! ”

“ **NEW PLAN** :”, shouted Ian, “If they show up durin’ spring break, I throw cans of Pepsi at those jerks until they go away!” 

“ Where are you going to get all that cola? ”, asked Eli.

Ian turned to some spot off on the wall.

“ _ WHY, AMAZON _ ® _ PRIME™ PANTRY™, OF COURSE!! ALL OF  _ YOUR  _ NECESSITIES CAN BE DELIVERED RIGHT TO YOUR DOOR FOR ONLY $4.99 A MONTH!!” _

“ IAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? ”

“ _ A sponsorship! I KNOW THAT EVERY TIME I RUN OUT OF FUCKIN’H BEPSIS, JEFF BEZOS IS THERE FOR ME. NEW BEPSIS ARE DELIVERED TO ME IN 48 HOURS OR LESS, OR ELSE  _ THE FULFILLMENT CENTER GRUNTS GET IT!”

“ Why are you doing a commercial NOW!? ”

“Because I am the mcfucking broke.”, stated Ian firmly.

Eli repeatedly slammed her head into the wardrobe. She said nothing.

“ _ Gureto desu yo! _ ”, said Ian.

##  March 14, 2020

##  Michelle’s House

“ _ Just don’t bring [the Boukaloid drama] up!...”  _

_ -Ian _

It seemed like today was going to be alright, given two things: whatever “novel coronavirus” was going down in China  _ stayed _ in China, and Ian was kidding about coming over. Unfortunately, neither of those things were going to happen.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFXbgqlDapQ ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFXbgqlDapQ) ] 

Michelle noticed something outside of the home office’s window. A silver compact sedan had pulled up, looked like it was a Honda. Michelle could have sworn she had seen it somewhere before. A blonde woman was driving. Michelle couldn’t quite make out who it was, but it was clear that she did have a ponytail. In the passenger seat next to her was… WAS… 

“ _ oh no _ … ”, muttered Michelle. She should have known. 

“ don’t tell me Ian  _ actually showed up! _ ”, said Rio. They were over today for… totally unrelated reasons. 

“ He actually did it. And it seems he’s not alone today, either heh heh… ” The blonde woman closed the car door. Ian was reaching into the back seat for something… a backpack?

“ then that would be… ” 

“ That would be  _ the bitch _ , Rin. ”

“ but why bring  _ her _ ? ”

There was a heavy knock at Michelle’s door.

“ _ Michelle, _ ”, said Steve squarely, “ _ Can you get that? I’m busy. _ ”

Steve was sitting on a chunk of wooden stairs, flicking a lever back and forth on his “desk”, not much more than two slabs and some bookshelves.

“ What are you busy with, anyways? ”, asked Michelle. 

To this, Steve stopped flicking the lever. He turned to Michelle with the same, deadpan smile he seemingly always had.

“Adult business work”, said Steve, again, squarely. Because he is square. “Now please, answer the door. Isn’t your friend, Ian, supposed to be coming over today?”

“ Yeah, ” said Michelle. Big mistake.

[Recommended Listening: [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPtJUmL2xq8 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPtJUmL2xq8) ]

A muffled “ **UH OH** ” could be heard from outside. Thus, Ian had verified his identity.

“Some ‘Friend’... Let’s just get this crap over with…” Michelle opened the front door.

“hey nerd”, said Ian. Michelle slammed the door on him.

“Why are you like this”, he asked.

“ Why are  _ you _ like this? ”, asked Michelle.

“Why are you like this!?”, yelled Ian. Michelle opened the door back up.

“ WHY ARE  _ YOU _ LIKE THIS!? ”, screamed Michelle.

“Why is Rio here?”, asked Ian. Rio had stepped out from Michelle’s living room.

“ Ian.”, they said, “I think we should be concerned about what  _ she’s doing here… _ ”, For that last part, they pointed at  _ the bitch _ .

_ “ _ Wow, Rio said a capital letter! Good for them. Good for them...”

“ Stop dodging the question, Ian. ”, said Michelle.  _ The bitch _ got nervous.

“Oh. This is my new GF.”, said Ian, as if he was terribly attempting to cover something up, and failing miserably at it.

“ _ Ah, and just what would her name be? _ ”, asked Rio, with a tiny tint of rage in their voice. Throughout this exchange, Steve continued with his flicking of the lever. Adult business was  _ very _ important, after all. At the very least, the lack of total silence made the scene a bit less awkward.  _ The Bitch _ finally piped up.

“ Eli…zabeth. ”, said Elizabeth, who was totally  _ not  _ Ayase Eli from Love Live!: School Idol Project, and any resemblance thereof was completely coincidental.

“ Okay,  _ Elizabeth _ ,”, said Michelle snarkily, “I don’t remember inviting  _ you _ today!  _ OR EVER!! _ ”

“Pretty sure I mentioned her in the text, Michelle.”, replied Ian.

“ AND I’M PRETTY SURE YOU DIDN’T! PEH!! ” Once again, Michelle slammed the door on Ian. 

“ _ wow okay I didn’t even get to take the stuff outta my bag…” _

Steve had turned around once more, but this time he actually got out of his “chair”.

“Are you really going to be like that to your guest, Michelle?” 

“ What are you, my dad?! ”, Michelle cried.

Everyone  _ just kind of existed _ for a moment, upon remembering that yes, Minecraft Steve  _ was _ Michelle’s dad.

With the unchanging face he always had, Steve finally broke the silence.

“Yes. Yes I am.”, he said squarely. “So if you aren’t going to let Ian in, I will.”

“ STEVE, NO! ”, shouted Rio.

“Why? Is he gonna summon The Wither in here or something!?” Steve slapped at the air, and the door snapped open. 

Ian could never get used to the sight of Michelle’s Dad. Some things in this world were stranger than anime ever could be… like, for instance, this rather square fellow by the name of Steve. His mouth didn’t even move when he spoke! But once you got past that, he was quite the upstanding chap.

“Oh, do come inside!”, said Steve squarely, “You said you had something for Michelle?”

Ian stared at Michelle. She didn’t like the look he was giving her. 

“ **OF COURSE!”** , bellowed Ian, “I’m the guest here! How could I forget to bring… ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TWiBLrmeM4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TWiBLrmeM4) ]

Ian had pulled out a king-sized bag of Bob’s Sweet Stripes, her second favorite thing in the entire observable universe (right behind Melia Antiqua). 

“ THE MINTS!!! ”, screeched Michelle. For whatever reason, upon seeing the candies, Michelle would always lose it.

“ Oh God, here we go…  ”, said “Elizabeth”.

“I have brought mine tithes for Thee, _Milady…_ ”, said Ian, like a true degenerate, attempting to present the peppermints.

“ **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!_ ** ” Unfortunately for him, Michelle had other ideas, as she snatched the bag from his hands!

“ MIII-Chelle, you shouldn’t!! ”, cried Rio, but their words fell on deaf ears.

“ MINT! MINT! MINT! MINT! MINT! MINT! MINT! ” Michelle chanted, rolling around on the floor with the bag. 

“And why is that, Rio?”, asked Ian.

“ She’s, uh… supposed to be on a Keto Diet! Those things are loaded with sugar, and sugar is  _ carbs! CARBS!! _ ”

“ MINT! MINT! MINT! MINT! MINT! MINT! MINT! ”, Michelle continued, before she finally stopped rolling, “ **_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!_ ** ” She gnawed on the bag.

“Well, Michelle hasn’t told me anything about that…”, said Steve, squarely.

“ Well, ah… that’s because. ” Fortunately (or unfortunately), Rio was interrupted by the ripping of the bag. Michelle crammed the candies into her mouth by the fistful!

“ ARE YOU EATING THE MINTS WITH THE WRAPPERS STILL ON THEM!? ”, cried “Elizabeth”.

“ And you don’t eat  _ your _ MINT with the peels on!? ”, said Michelle, in a brief moment of lucidity.

“ THE PEELS?! ”

“The peels are the best part! ” 

“MOVIN’ ON THEN…”, said Ian, “What else do I have here… oh. OF COOOOURSE!”

“ _ Please don’t be pickle chips, PLEASE DON’T BE PICKLE CHIPS!! _ _ ” _ , muttered Michelle.

“ So what is it? ”, asked “Elizabeth”.

Ian stared blankly off into space. Slowly, he pulled something white and blue out of the bad.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eEWxzW2wJU ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eEWxzW2wJU) ]

“ _ Doo DahDahDah DahDahDah Dah… _ ”, he hummed, rather terribly. Somewhere deep within Michelle, a primal instinct burst forth. 

“ BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLAH!! ” Michelle continued the acapella, as Ian had pulled out:

**_WII. SPORTS. RESORT._ **

“YEAAAAAAAH!”, cheered Ian.

“ YEAAAAAAH!! ”, cheered Michelle.

“UH OHHHHHHHHHHHH!” 

Rio stooped over Michelle, who was still on the floor.

“ Have you  _ COMPLETELY  _ lost your mind, Michelle!? ” Michelle shot up.

“ Maybe I have, Rio.”, she said, “Anyways, the Wii’s McFucking busted after Verrie tried to jailbreak it and use the Wii to hack into the IRS and destroy them once and for all, so we’re gonna have to use the Wii U. ”

“ _ Dear God… _ ”, muttered Ian.

“ I know, right, who would unironically want to play on a Wii U? Us, apparently. ” 

She booted it up and turned on the TV. Ian passed around WiiMotes to everybody and turned his on.

“ Alright. ”, said “Elizabeth”. But someone else wasn't as willing to oblige...

“ No… thanks. ”, said Rio.

“BUT RIIIIIIIIIIIIIO,” cried Ian, “It’s Four-Player!”

“ I, ah… ” 

“ _ Pwease~ _ ” Michelle was looking at them like she was about to cry. Rio knew that was probably just the Bob’s Soft Mints talking, but they just couldn’t help but feel for their friend.

“ okay, fiiiiiiiiiine ” And with that, Rio picked up the fourth remote.

“So if this darned contraption is the Wii  **_U_ ** , the Miis Michelle and I made last time aren’t gonna be there. Looks like I’ve registered as P1, you guys just want to see my terrible interpretation of all of you?!” 

“ No ”, said “Elizabeth” flatly.

“ **TOO~ BAD!!** ”, blared Ian with a doofy grin. He opened up the Mii Channel.

[Recommended Listening: [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9s1ltPGQOo](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E9s1ltPGQOo)]

“Time to make ugly Miis”, Ian chortled.

“ Do they have to be ugly, specifically? ”, asked “Elizabeth” disdainfully.

“ _ It’s funnier that way, you nerd. _ ”

“ _ They’re all beautiful in their own right…~ _ ”, said Michelle singsongingly.

“I go first.” Ian speedran the Mii Channel and made his own character within a minute. Somehow, it looked decent. For whatever reason, Ian ominously hovered over orange for the “favorite color” for a couple seconds before switching over to black. Clearly, this was a sign. Ooh, spooky!

“Who’s P2?”, asked Ian.

“ Uhh. The second light on my remote is lit up. Does that mean I’m ‘Pee Two?’ ”

“Yeh”

“ Thun thun thun. Thun thun thun. Bah, nah, noh... ” Michelle sang along to the Mii Channel Theme.

“YOUR TURN, Elizabeth!” Ian resumed his rapid clicking.

“ Ian, I don’t look like that! ”, she cried. Despite being a blank slate with nothing resembling a personality or emotions, the Mii character seemed to be sternly disappointed.

“Yes you do!” Elizabeth was looking at Ian with the same deadpanned expression as the Mii character was, yet it had failed to dawn on her. 

“SEE!?”, said Ian, “Who’s next?!”

“ I think that’d be me… ”, said Rio nervously.

“ALRIGHTY, then.” Rapid Mii Channel Clicking ensued once more. Michelle could’ve sworn she heard trance music for a racing game.

“ why. why do I look like that. ”, asked Rio.

“You’re making The Face™”, said Ian, pronouncing the trademark audibly.

“ The Face™? ”

“You know. 😲.”

“ Ian, how did you pronounce an emoji? ”

“Then that leaves… MEACHEL.”, said Ian, dodging the question like Keanu Reeves in  _ The Matrix _

“ Thm, thm, --  _ Myes? _ ” Michelle stopped singing along to the Mii Channel Song.

“ _ It’s-a your turn! _ ”

“ Oh boy, I can’t wait to be brutally roasted. ”

The glasses on Michelle’s Mii covered up her eyebrows.

“ Oh no, where did my eyebrows go? ”

“That’s a good question, where did they go, Michelle?” Once again, Ian paused for no reason on the final screen. This time, however, he hovered over light blue before rushing over to dark green. Again, a sign. Oooooh! Spooky!

“That’s all of ‘em.”, said Ian, “Unless… Hey, Steve!”

“Count me out.”, he said squarely. That lever must have been very important business.

“Alrighty then,” replied Ian, “that’s all of ‘em!”

“ What about Verde? ”, asked “Elizabeth”.

“She isn’t here, isn’t she, Michelle?”, said Ian.

“ Oh right,”, Michelle replied, “she’s got conspiracy to commit murder going on today. ”

“ As one does… ”, said “Elizabeth” wearily.

“ what? are you implying you  _ don’t _ commit various crimes on a daily basis ?”, said Rio.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eEWxzW2wJU ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0eEWxzW2wJU) ]

“ **TIME FOR RESORT.** ”, bellowed Ian.

“ **_The resort time!!_ ** ”, squeed Michelle, her excitement third only to that of her reactions to Melia Antiqua and  **LORD RODOLFO** . “Elizabeth” and Rio looked at each other in sympathy of each other as the other two began chanting the title theme. 

“ **DOOT. DOOT. DOODOODOODOODOOOO”**

**“** **DOODOODOODOO, DOODOODOODOODOODOO** **”**

“Last time, we only got up to Golf. Ya wanna say we start off this round with Bowlin’?”

“ Are we not playing the minigames in order? ”, asked “Elizabeth”.

“It’s gonna mess with tha continuity!”, barked Ian.

“ YEAH, ” said Michelle, only to be interrupted by Ian screaming “ **UH OH!** ”. She resumed:

“ The continuity! It’s important! You’d miss out on all of the epic Wii Sports Resort Lore in the plane game otherwise! ”

“ _ VVVVERY NAISU, MEACHEL-CHAN!! _ ”, chimed Ian, as if to applaud Michelle’s passion for resort-themed minigame collections.

“ is that a motherfucking joe joe reference, Ian? ”, snarkily asked Rio.

“ **YES** .”, said Ian, ecstatic that someone actually asked that. Unfortunately, it seemed that Rio was  _ not _ a Jojo’s fan. 

“ Well…  _ try not to do that, it’s  _ **_annoying_ ** **_._ ** ” Once again, the fury had returned to Rio’s voice. Ian had picked the “100-Pin Bowling” game by accident, instead of the regular bowling. The continuity was at stake!

“Oh, shoot, ah… Fuck it.”, said Ian. “Well this game is interestin’, I think it was in the first one’s ‘Trainin’ Mode’?”

“ The  _ first one _ ? ”

“ **OH BOY, TIME TO MANSPLAIN.** It’s ‘Wii Sports Resort’. The ‘Resort’ is just a fancy ‘2’. ‘Wii Sports’ was a launch title for the Wii, meaning it came out on the same day as the console did. What we’re playing now is the sequel to that. Anyways,  _ Elizabeth _ , it’s your turn now.”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDNgkc5u0NY ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDNgkc5u0NY) ] 

“ how. how do I go? ”, said Elizabeth, her character frantically shaking the bowling ball back and forth.

“ How do you ‘go’? Eli, you gotta hold the  _ back button _ when you swing! ” 

“‘ _ Eli?’ _ ” Rio pulled out their phone. They seemed upset about something. 

“‘ _ Elizabeth _ ,’ yes. That’s what I said. ”

“Elizabeth” then threw the ball backwards.

“ **WAOW!** ”, said Ian, along with the in-game characters.

“ Have you ever even  **g a m e d** before in your life!? ”, Michelle asked.

“ Well, no… ”, replied “Elizabeth”.

“And that’s okay.”, said Ian. “It takes time to learn things, vidya bidyas included.”

“ Uh-huh. ” “Elizabeth” threw the ball the  _ correct _ way, and got all but one pin!

“ OH, COME ON! ”, she cried.

“Better than what I got! You’re doing great for your first time!”, said Ian. “Anyways, Rio’s up.”

“ no i’m not ” They were looking at pictures of an animated hippopotamus on their phone.

“But… it’s your turn?”   
  


“ i’m busy. ” Clearly, Moto Moto meant more to Rio than Wii Sports Resort ever would.

“Well...  _ Then I’ll go for ya! Guhehehe! _ ” Ian said as he snatched the Wiimote from off of the floor! 

“ Isn’t that rather rude? ”, asked “Elizabeth”.

“They said no, therefore,  _ it’s my go _ !”, said Ian, shifting Rio’’s character all the way over to the right of the bowling lane.

“ **HERE I GO MANSPLAINING AGAIN.** ” 

“ At least you’re honest with yourself about it. ”

“So, ah, if I remember correctly,”, mansplained Ian, as men typically did, “if you can get the ball to stay on the rail, you get an instant strike if it reaches the end.”

“ Uh-huh. ”, said Michelle. Ian, however, was not that good at video games. The ball plummeted off the side of the railing and into the gutter.

“ Why would I do  _ nerd stuff _ like that when I can do  _ this! _ ”, Michelle cried.

The Wiimote zoomed from her arm, clinging for dear life by the wrist strap as all 100 pins keeled over! The replays were just the icing on the cake!

“NICE!”, shouted Ian.

“ NICE! ”, shouted Michelle.

“ _ woooo _ ”, said Rio sarcastically.

“Is somethin’ up, Rio?”

“ One would think you, OF ALL PEOPLE, should know  _ exactly _ what’s ‘up’,  **Ian.** ”

“Bold of you to assume I know  _ anything _ .  _ Oi! _ It’s my turn again!” Ian turned his character all the way to the left. “Trick shot!”, said Ian.

“ Aren’t you going to waste your turn doing that? ”, asked “Eliazbeth”.

“ _ Trick Shot. _ ”, said Michelle, with intent.

“Trick Shot!”, yelled Ian. The ball bounced off the walls several times. It looked cool, but it barely hit half of the pins. “We observe the hubris of man.”

“ There’s gonna be a lot more ‘hubris’ for you than losing Wii Bowling,  **Ian.** ”, said a rather agitated Rio.

“Seriously, Michelle, what’s their deal?”, Ian asked.

“ beats me lmao ”, said Michelle, saying “lmao” out loud.

“ Elizabeth” got a spare. Nice!

“ Did you really just say ‘lmao’ out loud? ”, she asked Michelle.

“ Maybe I did lmao ”, saying “lmao” out loud again.

“lmao” It had spread to Ian.

“ lmao ” 

They continued back and forth for a bit, which was rather unnerving. The rest of the game wasn’t much to write about. Ian never did get the easter egg strike, and like always, Michelle won. 

“So which one are we playing next?”, asked Ian. Michelle seemed out of it for a moment, and Rio still seemed rather ornery. Slowly, Michelle turned towards Ian.

“ none of them- ”, she hollowly said.

“Whaa?”, cried Ian.

“ **_None. Of. Them._ ** Don’t you get it, Ian? ”

“No…?”

“ Look at the clock, Ian. ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsiWzvA7qvw ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsiWzvA7qvw) ] 

The timer said… 4:59 PM!! IT WAS ALMOST…

**_Chugga Time_ ** **_®_ ** **_!_ **

“Aw,  **fuck** !”, yelled Ian.

“ Not in front of my parents, Ian! You brought the laptop, right!? ” Ian was already rummaging through his bag.

“No?”

“ H e c k. ”

“ _ What are we gonna do!? _ ”

“ Use the desktop, you chode! ”

“But isn’t your dad is working there?!” The lever-flicking had stopped.

Steve sighed, squarely, of course. “If Chuggaaconroy is  _ that _ important to the two of you, I suppose take my work upstairs for a little while.” Steve punched at the lever and it popped off of the desk after a few seconds.

“ **_yes Mr. Stephen that would be very lovely_ ** ”, said Ian hurriedly as Michelle was already logging on to the computer.

  
  


“Alright then.” Steve did exactly that, and took the lever upstairs to his room. Even from downstairs, the endless flicking could be faintly heard.

“ Go go go go! ”, chanted Michelle, yelling at the browser to load YouTube faster.

“You two!”, barked Ian, “Get over here!”

“ Fine, then.”, said “Elizabeth” “If it  _ is _ Chuggaa Time ® … ”

“ Why ”, said Rio.

“ IT’S REALLY IMPORTANT, OKAY?! ”, said Michelle 

“ I’d rather not. ”

“ _ How could you do this to me!?”,  _ cried Ian.

“ OH? How could  _ YOU  _ live with  _ YOURSELF  _ after _ c _ \-- ”

“ IAN, GET YOUR HYGY BUTT OVER HERE,”, shouted Michelle, “ **HE’S ARRIVING!!** ”

“OH MY **GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!!** ”, screamed Ian as HE appeared on the desktop. Ian and Michelle watched with awe (and “Elizabeth” watched with mild enjoyment).

“ HEY EVERYBODY!! It’s Chuggaaconroy!! Welcome back to, KIRBY PLANET ROBOBOT!! Last time, we made our way through Gigabyte Grounds and went through a quite nostalgic level, this time… ” 

“Rio, you’re missing Chuggaa Time ® !! ”, squeed Michelle.

“ maybe I’ll just catch up later… ”

Half an hour had passed, thus Chuggaa Time was done for the day, much as Rio Goddamn Crichton was done with their life.

“ _ You guys having fun over there?~ _ ”, Rio said with an entire kilogram of sarcasm

“ Why, do you have somewhere to be? ”, asked “Elizabeth”

“ Yeah. Not Here. ”, muttered Rio.

“I want din din”, said Ian sternly.

“ But we don’t have enough here for three guests!”, Michelle worriedly said.

“Oh, no”

“ We should go out, then. ”, said Elizabeth.

“ If we did that I’d have to ask my dad…”, said Michelle, before standing before the stairwell. “ **_DAAAAAAD!!_ ** ”, she cried.

A very muffled (and square) “ _yeah sure just be back before Verde is done with crimes_ ” came from upstairs.

“But where’re we gonna  _ go _ ?”, asked Ian.

“ Olive Garden. ”, said Michelle.

“ Why there, specifically? ”, asked “Elizabeth”

“It's a JoJo reference?”, said Ian.

“ _ Please _ stop- ”, whined a very irate Rio Crichton.

“I cannot and I will not,  _ Crichton _ .”

“ Nah fam, we gotta go to the Ol’ O.G. ‘cause they have MINT. ”

“It’s settled. But how are we gonna get to Olive Garden?”

“ You have a car now, don’t you? ” Michelle said as she pointed to the silver Honda parked outside.

“What car?” said Ian, sweating. 

“ The Silver Honda that you fucking came here in. ”

“ _ That’s… Elizabeth’s car… _ ” Granted, as a carbon-based life form, Ian was virtually always sweating, but it seems this moment he was caught in a lie.

“ But of course, you can still drive to Olive Garden in it,  _ can’t you, Ian? _ -”, said “Elizabeth”.

  
“ _A.a...lright._ ”, he said, nervously.

“ Is he doing okay? ”, asked 

“ **I’M DEPRESSED!** ”, scream-cried Ian. And with that, he stormed out the door to “Elizabeth’s” Car.

“ I’ll try to talk later. You all  _ did _ get the letter, right? ”, said… Ah, who am I kidding? A surprise to no one, “Elizabeth” was Eli.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKQzG7D8Dw ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EvKQzG7D8Dw) ] 

“ Unfortunately, we got it a bit too late… ”

“ You don’t mean!? ”, shrieked Eli.

“ Luka’s down”, said Rio, “We’re past that ‘point of no return right’ now… ”

“ **Блять!** What are we supposed to do now?! ”

“ Go to dinner tonight and pray to RODOLFO that Ian turns out okay.”, said Michelle. “Knowing what happened the  _ last time _ Teto took someone under her wing, Ian, uh… Ah ha ha hah, it’s best not to think about that  _ now _ . ”

“ If… you don’t mind me asking, what do you mean by  _ last time… _ ? ”, asked Eli.

“ Actually, I  _ do _ mind you asking. ”, said Rio with a smile.

“ But what about INA?”, asked Michelle, “How are we to avoid him? ”

“ Thankfully, there seem to be some sort of rules to the personality swap. Apparently, INA didn’t happen around Luka, although  _ maybe _ that was because Ian’s first impression of her wasn’t all that negative. INA, then, must come out when Ian feels threatened, or something to that effect ”

“ Great.”, said Michelle. “Don’t spook him, don’t piss him off… ”

“ If we don’t get in the car soon,”, said Rio, “Ian’s gonna get worried, won’t he? ”

“ I clearly said ‘seems’. INA has randomly come out, too. However, this INA only emerges when Ian’s around Neru, but without Teto being involved. I’ve only seen it a couple times, but it’s like he blacks out in the middle of a sentence, and then-- ” Unfortunately, Eli was interrupted by an obnoxious honking

**_HONK!HONK!HONK!HONK!HONK!HONK!_ **

Ian was slamming on the car’s horn. It looks like it was time for the three of them to go.

“ we’ll finish later. ”, said Eli.

For now, it was time…  **for Olive Garden.**

  
  


[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHkuMyvrci0 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UHkuMyvrci0) ]

“ My car is  _ there!? _ ”, cried Haku.

“ yeah he took it with him back to Richmond, ” said Teto, not looking up from whatever she was writing. Haku  _ emoted _ for the first time in quite a while, agitated with the UTAU’s antics.

“ ...!? ”

“ I said it was okay tho ”, said Teto. Regardless, it was strange how Haku had  _ only now _ realized she was missing her car _. _

“ And I’m the one who fucking paid for the car! It’s MY car, Teto!  _ You _ can’t lend it to people! ”, seethed the Voyakiloid.

“ And I’m not the one with eight DUIs and a suspension on her license, thus no longer legally permitted to drive~.”, mocked Teto, “Now  **git** , I’m busy!! ”

“WITH WHAT!?”, cried Haku.

“ _ Nunya _ ”

“ Nunya!? ”

“ NUNYA GODDAMN BUSINESS, YOWANE!!. ”

“ UUUAGH! ” Haku slammed the door behind her. 

It was pointless getting anywhere with Teto. Despite having a manufactured age of  _ thirty-one _ , Teto still acted like a spoiled  _ teenager _ , at best. It seems Haku had to cancel her plans for tonight… She had to get her car back, after all. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKBKJ9DmOhs ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKBKJ9DmOhs) ] 

##  Olive Garden

At long last, the party had arrived… at Olive Garden… A hostess greeted them.

“ _ Hi, Welcome to Olive Garden™! When You’re Here, You’re FAMILY™! _ ” The hostess had the usual “perky on the outside, completely dead on the inside” as most retail or food service workers had. Ian couldn’t blame her. He’d been in similar boats.

“ _ How many are we having today? _ ”, asked the hostess. Ian looked around behind him, as if to check if they were being followed.

“Eh, I’d say four.”

“ _ And booth or table?” _

“Whatch’y’all want?”, Ian asked, but only Michelle responded.

“ Either is fine. ”, she said.

“Booth it is!”, said Ian.

“ _ Right this way, then… _ ”

“ Ah, DAMT, I left my wallet at home… ”

“Oi, don’t worry. I’ll cover for you guys tonight! Bee hee hee hee~”

“ Why are you being this nice to me? ”, asked Michelle.

“Oh, just a small price to pay for friendship…”, said Ian, but it seemed to be vaguely ungenuine.

Rio still seemed to be in a bad mood, even under the pretense of free pasta. Who in their right mind wouldn’t be excited for free pasta!?

Eli turned to Michelle. “ This isn’t going to end well, is it? ”, she muttered under her breath. 

The four of them then sat down in the booth. Another host came up to them, a man this time..

“ _ So what can I get you all to drink? _ ”, the host asked.

“You guys got Pepsi, right?”, asked Ian.

“ _ No sir. We only carry Coke Products. _ ” Ian seemed disappointed in the lack of his favorite caramel-coloring-and-high-fructose-corn-syrup-laden-caffeinated sludge.

“Uh, just water, then…”

“ _ With or without lemon? _ ”

“Without.”

“ And can I get the same?”, asked Eli. “Water with lemon? ”

“ _ And for you two? _ ” 

Rio smugly glanced over to Ian before saying, “ _ Oh! I’ll take the Sparkling San Pellegrino… _ ” Something died a little within Ian, as he realized that was nearly eight dollars extra.

“ Sweet iced tea. ”, said Michelle, without a moment of hesitation.

“ _ Alright, they’ll be up soon. _ ” The waiter hurried off to the kitchen.

“So do y'all want any ‘apps’?”

“ hellllll yeah, babey, I want sum ‘apps’! ”

“UH OH!, I mean, uh, nice, yes!”

“ _ Ooh… _ ”, said Rio. _ “Why don’t we get the Full Sampler?! _ ” That was nearly 15 dollars! But for today, it made sense, there  _ were  _ four people, after all.

_ “Elizabeth _ , have you ever been to one of these before?”, said Ian. But why was Ian still on that fake name? He wasn’t fooling anyone.

“ I can’t say I have. ”, said Eli.

“ **OH** , the sampler’s got it all, the fried lasagna, the calamari, the, ah--” It was clear what Ian was passionate about, but he had to hold that thought, for the waiter had brought everyone’s drinks.

“ _ Can I start you all with an appetizer tonight? _ ” 

“ **YESSIR!** ”, barked Ian, “We’ll go with the sampler with -- Oh, what did y’all want on it?”

“ The calamari sounded nice. ”, said Eli.

“The calamari, the lasagna fritta, and the mozzarella sticks.”, said Ian.

“ _ Great! _ ”

“ I wanted fried ravioli. ”, Rio complained.

“ Two of those things are literally fried cheese. ”, rebutted Michelle.

“I know what I’m doing, Michelle.”, said Ian, but he really didn’t know what he was doing.

“ _ And your entrees tonight? _ ”

“ I might need more time… ”, said Eli.

“ _ Oh, no rush! _ ”

“What DO I want to get?...”, Ian asked himself. From somewhere deep inside of him, Ian could’ve sworn he heard a voice. 

“ **The Diamond** **_, Ian._ ** ”, it snarled.

“ **Lasaga!** ”, blurted Ian.

“ **_NO_ ** _!!! _ ”

“ **LASAGA, WITH EXTRA CHEESE.** ”, 

What was that voice’s problem? It sounded kind of like him. Whatever. Ian could wait for therapy. 

“ _ You seem very… passionate… about that, sir. _ ”, said the now-nervous waiter

“YES I AM VERY PASSIONATE ABOUT LASAGA.”, barked Ian.

“ _ Moving on… You two on the right? _ ”

“ I’ll just take the fettucini alfredo… ”, said Michelle.

“ _ Ooh hoo hoo… what do I want… _ ”, snickered Rio, _ “ _ Hmm. Ah,  _ of course _ ! The Shrimp Carbonara looks  _ lovely _ !~ ”

“ _ Great, we’ve got a- _ ”

“HOL’ UP, HOL’ UP!”, Ian interrupted. “Rio, that’s twenty fucking dollars!!”

“ Hmm!? But it looks  _ really good _ …~ ”

“AND I’M A BROKE-ASS COLLEGE STUDENT!” He slammed his fist on the table. “ _ GET SOMETHIN’ ELSE!!”  _ The waiter reacted with astonishment.

“ Wow!~ Way to treat your guests, Ian!~”, said Rio snidely. “I thought you were paying for us as your  _ ‘friends’ _ and all…  ”

“ Rio.”, said Michelle, like a parent dealing with a rowdy child in public. “ **_Please._ ** ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCBvzh8jF54 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MCBvzh8jF54) ]

“ Fine.  _ Salmon Piccata it is… _ ” Their second choice was the  _ second-most  _ expensive thing on the menu. How classy!

“ _ Right…” _ , said the waiter, _ “I’ll be out with your stuff shortly, then… _ ” 

Another waitress came by shortly with the breadsticks, but she just as quickly left to staff another table. That left the four of them alone in the booth.  **WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG NOW?**

“Don’t touch  _ the sticks _ yet…!”, seethed Ian.

“ And why would that be so important, Ian? ”, said Eli.

“Why don’cha find out!?”

“ Let’s not, and say we did… ”, said Michelle morosely. Ian then turned to Michelle, with a seemingly berserk expression in his eyes.

“ _ Let’s do, but say we didn’t! _ ”

“ Ian, what the hell is  _ that _ supposed to mean!? ”

“Byeh heh hyeh he hah he heh! Coward! It means  _ that _ -” Thankfully, the waiter had interrupted Ian.

“ _ Your appetizers, and the salad!” _

“ But we didn’t order a salad? ”, asked Eli.

“Comes with the entree, don’ it?.”, 

_ “Yes! And the entrees will be out in a bit. Did you decide on something yet, miss? _ ”

“ Uh, I’ll also take the fettuccine… ”

“ _ Fettuccine Alfredo? _ ” Ian was already pawing at the app sampler, mildly unnerving Eli with his terrible table manners.

“ Y-yes, sir. ” 

“ _ Alright then! We’ll try and get that out with the other entrees! _ ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABri40TrGc ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uABri40TrGc) ]

Eli put some of the salad on her plate, while Ian seemed to be unusually happy about something.

“And now… it is time… for the  _ moment of truth _ …!”

“ Reaaaaally don’t like what you’re implying there,  _ buddy _ . ”, said. Rio

“Oh? And what seems to be the problem,  _ Rio _ ?”

“ I think you and your  _ girrrlll _ friend know DAMN WELL what the problem is here! ”, sneered Rio.

“ RIO… ”, said Michelle sternly.

“Well guess what, bitch?!”, snapped Ian, “I don’t think  _ anyone  _ fully understands the problem here…The problem bein’… 

that these breadsticks ain’t got no dippin’ sauce!”

“ wat. ”, said Rio. 

Ian scooped some of the marinara out of the cup meant for the app sampler and slapped it onto his own plate. 

“Now  _ this _ is how you Olive Garden™ like an Epic Gamer™” He dipped the breadstick in the sauce, spitefully staring Rio in the eyes the entire time while noshed. 

“( _ Strange.) _ ” Ian thought to himself.  _ “(I don’t remember Rio having blue eyes… Then again, I don’t remember what I had for lunch yesterday, so what the hell do I know!) _ ” __

“ But why would you do  _ that _ ? ”, asked Michelle, partially disgusted.

“The real question is -- why not? Live a little!” Ian’s definition of “living”, then, was rather paltry.

“ You know you could just…  _ ask for sauce _ , right? ”, said Eli.

“But where’s the fun in that?!” Ian was once again cut short by the waiter.

“ _ Two orders of Fettuccine Alfredo! One Salmon Piccata, and…  _ ” He dramatically drew out the last line. 

“ _‘Lasagna with extra cheese’._ _Now, does anybody want parmesan?_ ” 

“ **YESSIR** **_!_ ** ”, barked Ian, as if his life depended on the amount of cheese on his shitty, overpriced, microwaved pasta

“ _ But there’s enough cheese on there already, isn’t there? _ ”

“ **NOSSIR.** ”

_ “A-a-lright, just tell me when there’s enough… _ ”

However, Ian did  _ not _ tell the waiter when there was enough. _ Ever.  _ He watched, in glee (and the others’ terror) as the waiter continued to shred the  _ entire chunk _ of Parmesan onto the lasagna, The people in the table across from the four looked on for a moment before returning to their normal,  _ sane _ lives. 

“Wow, I won!”, said Ian.

“ **_Nobody has won today. We have all lost this battle._ ** ”, said the waiter, briefly revealing his dead-inside nature. He then attempted to resume his usual customer service voice. “ _ If anyone else wants cheese, I’ll have to go to the kitchen to get more… _ ”

“ I think we’re good here. ”

“ _ Alright, just let us know if you all need anything else. _ ”

“ Ian, what in God’s name are you thinking!? How much cheese are you going to eat!? ” He seemed distant.

“ _ Oh boy. _ ”, said Rio. _ “ _ It’s happening, isn’t it? ” 

Ian slowly turned to Eli before piping up.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYXFLAzsgh4 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HYXFLAzsgh4) ]

“ **ALL OF IT!!!** ” He slammed his face into the cheese-buried lasagna! In a weird sort of way, Michelle thought it was funny.

“ Stuffing your face as usual. ”, said Michelle. Ian looked up from the lasagna and wiped himself off. He knew  _ that _ .

“I gotta have a good meal.”, replied Ian without a moment of hesitation. Michelle continued.

“ Garfield, you fat cat. You are so big and fat. Why are you so fat? ” Eli noticed that Rio seemed to be on the verge of a breakdown, but kept the observation to herself.

“I eat, Jon.” Ian furthered the chant. “It’s what I do. It’s time to kick Odie off the table.”

Michelle, as if in a trance, responded “ Don’t do it,  _ Garfield! _ That’s our pet dog Odie. ” What kind of strange ritual was this?!

“You’re going into orbit, you stupid mutt!  **KICK** .” Yes. Ian actually just shouted the word “kick.”

“ GA-A-A-A-A-R- **FIELD** ! ”, shouted Michelle.

“ What’s the meaning of all this?! ”, cried Rio.

“ _ Rio, _ I’ve shown you that Garfleild video, haven’t I? ”

“ No, oh no no no no noo, I toooooootaly get  _ that _ . ”, Rio turned to Michelle with an SERIOUSLY PEEVED look. Ian noticed their hair was the wrong color 

“( _ No. That can’t be right. Rio was a ginger. When were they ever blonde?) _ ” Rio slammed their arm on the table!

“ Why the fuck are we still playing buddy-buddy with Ian after what he did to  **_Luka_ ** **?!** **”**

“Oh, no. They said the L-word.”, said Ian. He knew he was fucked. (and not the kind he wanted)

“ Shut. The Fuck. Up. Cishet. ” Michelle, no,  _ Miku _ turned to  _ Rin _ , with sheer disappointment in her eyes. Somehow, she looked even more disappointed than whenever Eli tried to tell Ian… whatever it was that was so important.

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULFZVBa2Zgo ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ULFZVBa2Zgo) ]

“ _ Rin!! _ I thought  _ we specifically agreed  _ **not** to bring  _ it _ up! ”

“ Are we seriously doing this now?”, said Eli. “Right in front of my goddamned salad? ”

“ No one gives a  _ shit  _ about what you have to say,  _ Eli-chi!! _ ” Eli’s heart sank in her chest (if she physically had one). Ian had finally noticed the white bow that was the half size of Rin’s head and used all three of his brain cells to piece together what was going on.

“Y-YOU DON’T HAVE TA DO THIS!”, cried Ian.

“ **HOW BOUT I DO ANYWAYS!?** ” A black-and-gold axe appeared in Rin’s arms. They jumped into the table.

“ KAGAMINE RIN, HAVE YOU  **FUCKING** LOST IT!? ”, screamed Michelle. Some of the staff came rushing to, and other customers were staring. The manager of the restaurant tried to reason with them.

“Oh, fuck this shit, I’m out!” Ian murmured before shimming his way out the booth and trying to run away. The crowd that formed, unfortunately, was blocking his exit of the restaurant. “Well shit.”

“ _ Excuse me, ma’am, you’re gonna have to drop the fire axe!!” _

_ “ _ **_Why don’t you fucking MAKE ME!?_ ** ” Rin slammed the axe square into the manager’s shoulder! A surge of electricity shot through the axe, causing it to glow white!

**500!** **Clarissa** **got hurt and collapsed…**

Ian took one look at the scene unfolding. After they fried the manager of the joint, Rin stood deadlocked in front of the booth, to Miku and Eli’s bewilderment. Kagamine Rin, true name **『** **CV-02-ρ』** , snapped their head towards Ian. _In a couple minutes, he was going to end up like the manager!!_

“ You are SO. Getting fired. For this. ”, seethed Michelle. 

“ Oh, like  _ you _ aren’t gonna get shit for having a playdate with a  _ murderer _ !? ”, rebutted Rin (Not Hoshizora).

“ Well… he’s only been doing this because Teto’s forcing him!! ”

“ **_Nigerundayo!_ ** ”, cried Ian, shamelessly using the Joestar Secret Technique™ 

“ Again with the Jojo references… ”, muttered Eli.

“ You’re not getting away that easily, wing-clipper!! ” Rin cried, jumping up and shooting through the crowd. They swung like mad, hitting randoes left and right!

“ Eli.”, said Michelle in an unusually calm tone, “If you’ll excuse me for a moment, I have to go _ get Rin under control… _ ”

“ I’m coming with!”, she replied, “There’s no point sticking around before the cops come! ” Michelle realized that one of these…  _ civilians  _ may have called the authorities on this whole manner.

“ OH SHIT,  **THE PIGGIES!** I haven’t paid my taxes in eight years! ” The two of them ran after Ian and Rin. 

“ _You know how to get your Drive_ _out, right?_ ”  , asked Michelle.

“ My WHAT!? ” 

“ I’ll explain later! ”

##  The Parking Lot, lmao

Haku had finally found where Ian was. An Olive Garden. Wow, he sure had poor taste!

“ Heh Heh! Here he comes now! ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YP6W5UhFCYg ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YP6W5UhFCYg) ]

“FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK! FUCK!”, Ian chanted while panting, running out of the fast-casual Italian eatery.

“ GET BACK HERE YOU COWARD!! ”, screamed Rin, their drive engaged.

“ **_No_ ** **!”** , snapped Ian, not watching where he was going. 

“ Hello there!~”, said Haku in a saccharine voice, “Would you care to explain why you ‘borrowed’ my car  _ without permission _ ?~ ”

“THIS AIN’T A GOOD TIME, HAKU.” Miku and Eli finally caught up. Sirens and oinking could be heard in the distance. 

“ So you  _ are _ working for them! ”, barked Rin.

“ Ian, what the hell is  _ she _ doing here!? ”, cried Ian.

“ Oh.”, murmured Haku, “So you’re not alone.  _ Mmm.  _ Did you and Miku have fun on your little  _ playdate _ ? ” Rin was seething with rage, and decided that not enough people had been maimed today.

“ _ Time for some  _ **_AXE EVASION!!_ ** ” Rin yeeted their axe! But Ian conveniently turned around. 

“ _ Woah, are those police sirens!? _ ”

The axe lodged deep in Ian’s shoulder. 

**400!**

“Gwayaaaghhh!” Ian fell down. It couldn’t be electrified without direct contact from Rin. They knew what must be done. However, somebody else had other ideas… 

“ KAGAMINE RIN.”, bellowed Miku with authority, “IF YOU LAY ANOTHER GODDAMN FINGER ON HIM, I SWEAR TO RODOLFO,  _ I’LL CORE YOU MYSELF!! _ ”

“ You  _ do _ all realize that I’m standing here? ”, asked Haku.

“ Well we’ll worry about you later, bitch! ”

“ Ah. Suit yourself then. ” Haku manifested a handgun. The same gun from that day at the mall. She pointed at the three of them still standing.

“ _ Decisions, decisions… Who to hit first!? Einee, Mienee, Meinee,  _ … Whoh? ” 

To everyone’s bewilderment, Ayase Eli was holding an  _ even bigger gun! _ She pointed her minigun drive right at Rin!

“ Get away from Ian! ”, she cried.

“ What, I thought you hated him? ”, The minigun’s barrel started to spin up… 

“ _ Do you want to end up like Kaito?! _ ”

Ian attempted to dislodge the axe from his shoulder, but was distracted by something bigger.

“Oh, great!”, he said sarcastically, “The cops finally showed up!” Two officers hopped out and drew their pistols.

“*snort snort*  _ OP-DRAY OUR-YAY AMN-DAY EAPONS-WAY!! _ ”

_ “ _ *grunt grunt*  _ et-gay away-yay om-fray e-thay an-may on-yay e-thay ound-gray! _ ”

Eli did as was told, despite only having a minimal comprehension of Pig Latin, and the minigun powered down and clattered on the ground. Rin was still trying to get to their axe. Haku swiveled her aim over to Ian. The cops both pointed their guns at Rin. The caller  _ did _ tell dispatch they were the one who maimed the manager, after all… 

The stage had been set. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htDB8SuLrng ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=htDB8SuLrng) ]

  
  


I think I should make something clear here: Miku Magdalen Hatsune was _ not _ one to let her friends stay in danger (even if they did maim two others). The pink, square clips on her twintails gleamed white, and her eyes burned with the fury of the sun. 

“ Ian… Eli… I’d get down if I were either of you… ”, was the last thing Miku said before transforming.

“ Why? ” Four glowing wings erupted from Miku’s back.

“ _ OH, AWSEY-LAY!” _ , squealed one of the cops.

_ “Angels-yay ere-way eal-ray!? _ ”

“ It’s best for you not to find out.”, said Miku. “Alright, just let me handle this…”

“ I have  _ been here _ the entire  _ goddamn time _ , and yet you’re REFUSE to fight me?! ”, said a rather stubborn Haku.

“ No one likes you, Yowane!! ”

“ _ I-I-YAY AID-SAY, OP-DRAY E-THAY UN-GAY! _ ”, squealed the cops. Miku rose up into the air, violating SEVERAL LAWS OF PHYSICS!

“ Why the  _ fuck _ would I do that!? ”

“ _ OW-HAY E-THAY UCK-FAY IS-YAY E-SHAY  _ YING-FLAY _!? _ ”

“UST-JAY UCKING-FAY  _ IRE-FAY!! _ ” 

“ Well, Haku, if you  _ insist _ ” Tealish-white piano keys surrounded her.

The officers’ bullets didn’t do anything to hurt Miku, even after being filled with dozens of holes. From a couple of them, a glowing teal liquid that could be likened to ichor trickled out.

“ You’ll end up just like these two! ”

“ And what’s that supposed to mean?!” Miku seemed to take breath in, tapping a few “keys” before… 

“ S̸A̸I̸L̵!! ”  She slammed all of the keys down!! Innumerous beams of light rained from the heavens, striking the cops, their car, and just about anything in the area.!! 

**500!** **Robert** **got hurt and collapsed!**

**500!** **Matthew** **got hurt and collapsed!**

“Ah. I see.”, said Ian, before a beam struck deep into the top of Haku’s head!

**610!**

“Well that can’t be good” 

Eli casted a defensive attack and tried to block the rain of lasers with ice. Emphasis is on “Tried to”, as once a single beam hit her frozen shield, it shattered!

“ Блять! ” At least she tried. Another beam hit Eli, tearing right through her, spraying polyester stuffing onto the pavement! 

**819!**

“ ha,ra... sho… ”, with a puff of some particles, Eli had reverted back into a nesoberi!   
  


“ **_ERICHI!!_ ** ” Ian reached out. BAD IDEA! The next beam tore right through his left forearm, accompanied by a searing pain like no other!

**99! “** **Oh, shit, I hit Ian.** **”** The light barrage stopped.

“ _ eeeeyaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIGHAHAAHAAAAAA! _ ” He writhed in agony for a bit like a little bitch. before trying to crawl over to Eli. 

“ And I’ll be taking  _ that _ back! ” Rin said, pulling their axe back out of Ian’s shoulder. Blood flowed out of the wound, staining Ian’s grayish polo crimson red! 

“PISS.”, he seethed.

“ _ Really, Where!? _ ”, said Rio, uncharacteristically excited. Ian laughed and looked up. He wagged his finger.

“ _ None for you, naughty lemonbitch! _ ”, Ian chortled.

“ THAT DOES IT, YOU’VE LIVED LONG ENOUGH!! ”, screamed Rin.

“‘Twas a good run, nary… ”, said Ian in a hokey accent.

“ No,  _ that  _ does  _ it _ !! ”, cried Miku as she pulled out a  _ leek _ dropping right out of the sky! 

,

Rin and Miku swung at the same time!

***Cthunk!*** **406!**

However, it seemed that Miku was the faster of the two. The leek hit right above the knot in their bow. Kagamine Rin dropped to the ground with a “ **Thp** ”.

“ A vegetable? Really, twintails?”, said Haku, “Is that what you’ve gone with over all these years? A fucking vegetable?! ” Miku, without turning or looking away, pointed the leek at Haku.

“ You’re next. ”, said Miku sternly. Ian saw this as an opportunity to escape! He shuffled over to the neso and picked her up. Now, to get to the car! The two of them were distracted, and Rin was out cold! 

“ ‘I’m next’!? Are we really gonna have a throwdown? I just came here to get  _ my  _ car back from that  _ coward _ ! ”

“ _ Your _ car? But I thought this was Ian’s car? Is it  _ not _ ? ” A shuffling noise could be heard. Miku looked over Haku. Ian was still flat on the ground, but he was definitely closer to the neso than he was before. What was he trying?

“ _ News Flash, twintails, it ain’t _ . ”

“ Huh? ”

“ Why would Ian have a vanity license that says ‘Y0W4-N3’ on it!? ‘YOWANE’?”

“ When you put it like that, it makes sense. ” “ OH, DOES IT? ” Ian was inching along the ground behind the two. Haku pulled out a flask from one of her pockets and took a deep swig. 

“ _ That bastard…  _ Ah, so Teto says it’s okay, that means it’s  _ fine and dandy _ to just take  _ my  _ car without  _ my  _ permission. ” The shuffling noise ensued. Haku didn’t notice it.

“ Uhhuh ”, said Miku. Haku took another sip.

“ Y’know… He and Neru have been sneakin’ off and locking themselves in the garage a lot… ”

“ They _ what? _ ” Haku sat down on the asphalt of the parking lot.

“Oh, yeaaah, Ian and Neru keep going off and  _ ‘wooorking’  _ on that ‘ _ superweapon’  _ together... ” She chugged the rest of the flask in one swoop, wiping her face with the strange conical sleeve devices the off worlders seemed to all have.

“ Yowane Motherfucker Haku, what in RODOLFO’S subscriber count are you talking about!? ” Ian  _ carefully  _ reached for the neso.

“But if you ask me, they aren’t building _jack_! _They’re fuckin’, the two of ‘em gotta be fuckin’!~_ ”

“ Haku! ”

“ It’s gotta be  _ that _ ! Why else would Ian say he can’t  _ remember a thing _ that goes on in there!?  _ Neru’s got mad game.~ Hehehehehehehe… _ ” Ian pulled backwards slightly.

“ _ And then Nerrie gets all sad when he leaves, just so they can go do it all over again a couple days later~ hueheheheeeee… _ ” Haku knocked over the empty flask. 

“ _ oh, shoot… _ ” She finally realized what Ian was up to. Haku stood up (with a bit of work) and looked down on him.

“Aww, didya  _ really _ think that was gonna work,  _ buddy _ ?”, Haku said, stumbling.  Ian slowly craned his head up. An awkward silence ensued. 

“ ...Why, yes.” He said matter-of-factly, rocketing towards the Honda!   
  


“ IAN, WHAT ARE YOU- ”, cried Miku.

“ **NIGERUNDAYO, SMOKEY!!!** ”

“ Stop  _ saying  _ the  _ n-word _ , you’ll get us cancelled on Twitter!! ”

“ **no.”** And with that, Ian threw the nesoberi -- and himself -- into the car. He turned it on and put the gear reverse!

“ Hey! HEY!! ”, cried Haku, clumsily pursuing. Ian pulled down the window and shouted, “ **HAY** is for  **HORSES, BITCH BOYYY!** ” 

He pulled out of the space, and peeled out of there, right past the two of them!! Some nerve! Haku was flabbergasted!

“ My… car…!! ”, she bemoaned

“ you kinda deserve it tbh ”

“ W-what? ” Miku put Rin in a fireman's carry. A hexagonal, turquoise Door appeared behind the two of them. Miku flipped the bird with the arm she wasn’t using.

“ _ go commit NOT HAVE CAR _ ”

“ What is that even supposed to mean…?”, asked Haku.

“ IT MEANS I’M BAILING OUTTA THIS JOINT!  _ YEET _ !! ” And with that, the two of them were gone. As well as the Door. It seemed that more police cars were on their way… 

“Well, shit. ” Haku noticed something on her phone. Five missed calls from Neru.

“ Double shit! ”

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z01VlftkqY8 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z01VlftkqY8) ]

Kasane Teto was finally done with her “evil plans”. Now, it was time for margarine. She practically rolled down the stairs.   
  


“ Teheheh… the good stuff… ” Unfortunately for Teto, a more-ornery-than-usual Neru was in the kitchen, anticipating the UTAU’s downstairs arrival. It looked like the margarine was going to have to wait.

“ Oh, what the hell do  _ you _ want? ”, the UTAU sneered.

“ _ What I want, _ ” replied Neru, “is to know where the hell Haku has been all day! She stormed outta your room this morning, and that was the last of her anyone’s saw. I’ve tried calling her, no avail… ” She crossed her arms. “ So what gives? ”

“ Oh, yeah, that one. Uh, she… wanted to go yell at Ian. ”

“isn’t home over spring break.” “Yeh.”

“ In the same area also where  _ MIKU _ is? ” “ Yeh. ”

“ And Ian must’ve at least  _ tried _ to meet up with Miku, considering that based off the contents of his phone,  _ they’re somehow still friends _ !? ” “ Can I get the margarine already? ”

“ Aren’t you the  _ slightest _ bit concerned that,  _ oh I don’t know _ , HAKU COULD'VE HAD A RUN IN WITH HATSUNE HERSELF!? ”

“ Hasn’t Miku been tied down by the International Baccalaureate for, ehhh, the past five years or so? ”

“ You’re missing the point, Teto.. Ian has likely  _ been with  _ Miku at some point this week, and if Haku’s going after Ian, while Ian were to currently be  _ with  _ Miku… ”

“ _oooooh, THAT’S why you’re pissed today!_ Ohoho! This game is fun!!”, said Teto giddily.

“ Are you even listening to me!? ” “ No. I never do!” “ UGWH!”

“ Now please move out of the way. I have margarine to eat! ”

Neru noticed something on the granite counter island.

“ Teto. ”

“ This better be related to water-in-vegetable-oil-emulsions”

“ No, Teto,  _ this _ is related to  _ that. _ ” Neru said, picking  _ it _ up.  **Nozomi Snow Halation Nesoberi.** “ Where the fuck did you get this!? ”   
  


“ Haku’s room. ”

“ Oh, what? So you’re gonna make another Construct, as if one one on our plates wasn’t enough. ”

“ Maybe I Will ,And It’s Nunya Goddamn Business. ” It was true, the Boukaloid had no power over this nasty bastard gremlin.

“ If you do, for the love of all that is holy, Do NOT let Eli see Nozomi. ” “ Mmh, why is that? ”

“ DON’T YOU EVEN KNOW THAT THE TWO ARE- ” Neru stopped herself as if to avoid something lewd. “ ...very interested in one another. ”

  
  
  


“‘ But if Ian finds any of this out, we’d be done for. ”

“ Why would that be? ”

“ For Eli _ , _ ‘coming out’ is a breach of life-contract, for Ian…  _ how else are we gonna keep him here? _ ”

“ Why are you worrying about  _ that? _ ”

“ _ Like he’s not gonna run crying to Miku as soon as he gets the chance… aside from what he’s already doing _ ”

“ I don’t… understand what you’re getting at. ” Teto hopped up on one of the bar stools to make herself taller than Neru.

“ What I’m  _ getting at _ is if Ian really wanted to be here,  _ you two _ would have made progress on your magic chainsaw by now. Every other day for the past week and a half now, SOMETHING has been making an awful bunch of knocking around in the garage,  _ and it doesn’t sound like any sort of tool,  _ ohohoHOHO! ” __

“ Teto! ”

“ But seriously. What the hell have you two been up to? Why is there no ‘Anti-Miku Saw’, or whatever you called it? ”

“ There’s a perfectly good reason for that… ”

“ Suuuuure. Look, if you and… Ian are … together, that’s fine, that just means I can get rid of Model M-9, and divert resources… elsewhere. ”

“OH PLEASE, do! The one time I let that wretched thing in here, she tried to lecture me on how ‘McMansions such as your own are a detriment to the overall housing market’ and that ‘the state needs to interfere and seriously rework the system’ and by the end of it all I think she was quoting _Das Kapital_ … But enough about _her_.”

“ _ Hmmm? _ ”

  
“Without Eli, _or without you,_ Ian seems to be… oh how do I put this, _a lot better at things?_ For one, he stops acting like a complete dumbass, and starts _being useful_ for once. Not to mention his personality does a one-eighty and--”

“ We get it, Neru,  _ we get it! _ You and Ian are ‘definitely not fucking’! Now are you ever gonna put the damn chainsaw together, let alone let me get my RODOLFO-saken margarine!? ”

“Are YOU ever going to do anything with  _ Nozomi? _ ”, asked Neru. An awkward silence lingered.

“ ... ”

“ ... ”

“ Touché. ”, said Teto. Neru sighed before walking off. “ Just get your fucking margarine… ”

“YAAAY!~”, cheered Teto.

All was going according to keikaku [Translator’s note:  _ keikaku  _ means plan]. Eli was still in line, and if she…  _ happened to fail to uphold her end of the contract _ , then this new toy could be a perfectly suitable replacement! To think, Model M- _ 8 _ ! At this rate, Teto would have the entire set by the end of the year! And if Neru  _ was _ being serious about her “magic chainsaw”,  _ and if Ian were to sneak that thing into Miku’s House _ , then Miku Hatsune’s days were certain to be numbered. The best part of it all:

Neru finally let Teto have her margarine. This pleased the UTAU. 

“ Haha, yes, marmgarmin ”, she muttered in between spoonfuls of butter substitute spread.

##  Buckingham Park, #130

Ian’s mother was on her laptop. Attempting to work on lesson plans, she kept getting interrupted by emails from administration. Apparently, the County management couldn’t be helped to not hit “Reply All” whenever having as much as a minor conversation. This matter was only made more irritating by the noises from the TV. Lucas, her younger son, was on The Nintendo™ again, playing Fortnite (or whatever it was the kids were into). “ _ Whatever. _ ”, she would say, not concerning herself with any of that matter. As long as it was semi-innocent, not costing any money, and made Lucas happy, it was fine in her book. Something else, however, was about to interrupt her lesson planning.

Ian, and his new girlfriend, came home. Admittedly, it was a bit strange having her over for a whole week. Sure, it was nice that Ian had finally found someone “for him”, but something about Elizabeth seemed… of. Sure, she  _ was  _ studying abroad from Russia, although Ian’s mother found it odd that she never specified what school specifically. Russia was the largest country in the world, right? Surely, there had to be more than one college!? Not to mention, if she  _ was _ from Moscow, why did Elizabeth look more  _ Asian _ than  _ European _ ? Something didn’t stack up here, but Ian’s mother had neither the time NOR the energy to pursue anything. 

[Recommended Listening:  [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjuWebJHyR8 ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EjuWebJHyR8) ]

What was important  _ now _ was why Ian looked so upset tonight. Ian’s mother closed down the laptop.

“ _ So how was you two’s hangout with Michelle? _ ”, she asked.

“Fine.”, said Ian rather hastily. “ _ PEACHY KEEN! _ ”

“ _ Buddy, you don’t look like it was fine. _ ”

“Everything. is. fine! If anybody needs me I’m off to bed!” said Ian in a hurry, trying to storm off to his room.

“ _ What… is that on your arm? What happened?! _ ” 

“Critical Linguine Failure.”

“ _ That doesn’t make any sense! _ ” “Elizabeth” remained silent and just shook her head at Ian..

“And it didn’t. Good Night!”

“ _ Why is the back of your shirt ripped up!? That was a perfectly good shirt! _ ”

“Well then, tell that to Rio,  **who showed up** **_uninvited_ ** !”

“ _ Ian, buddy, what’s wrong? _ ”

“Hell if I know!” Ian shouted, slamming the door behind him. Lucas was still playing Fortnite, seemingly unaware of what was going on.

“ It’s, um… complicated. ”, muttered “Elizabeth”.

“ _...complicated? _ ”

“ Tonight would have been certainly better if Rio hadn’t tagged along. ”

“Rio _!? Michelle’s friend? Did she do that to-” _

“ _ I think Rio prefers ‘they’... _ ”   
  


_ “Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. Did  _ they _ do that to Ian? _ ”

“ Yes. ”

“ _ For Christ’s Sake, then, why didn’t you or Michelle call the police!?” _

“ The police wouldn’t be able to stop that thing. ”

“ _ T-that thing? Ellie, what is that supposed to MEAN? _ ”

“ It means… nevermind. I’m going to try to talk some sense to Ian and get him to come back out. ”

“...”

_ “Please do, it’s terrible to see him like this. It’s bad enough with one that won’t talk to mee.” _ “ I’ll say. ” Eli walked towards the end of the apartment, where Ian’s room was. The Royale Match ended and Lucas was booted out, giving him time to partake in The Real World™ for about ninety seconds. He noticed Eli walking by. What Lucas said was… moderately concerning.

“ **_W e e f u._ ** ”, the child moaned. Ian had said at one point that that’s what Lucas referred to all anime characters as. But why was he pointing at Eli and saying that? Teto said “normal humans” wouldn't be able to get past whatever… memetic shield thingamabob? Eli didn’t know what that meant, only that this... phenomenon allowed the Cryptloidians to enter Earthen society (and enroll in the International Baccalaureate program at Midlothian High School, of all things). Purportedly, Teto had given Eli a shield as well, but it seems that either A). Eli’s was now failing, B). Lucas was somehow able to bypass the memetic effects, or C). Lucas was just a literal 12 year old on the Autism Spectrum and thus unable to effectively differentiate the concepts of “2-D Anime Waifu” and “3-D Human Girlfriend”. Hopefully, the answer was “C.”

  
  


Eli opened the door, and Ian was lying face down-up the bed. He was staring up at the ceiling and seemed like he was about to cry.

“ ... are you doing alright? ”, Eli asked hesitantly.

“That’s a good question.”, muttered Ian.

“ You don’t even know if you’re doing alright? ” “nope” 

“ That would mean that you aren’t, then.. ” “oh no”

“ ‘Oh no’? ” “ _ Oh No. _ ” Eli sat on the end of the bed.

“ Why do you keep saying that? ”

“I’d say I feel pretty ‘Oh No’ these past few weeks.”

“ How come? ” “ **WHERE DO I START?** ” Ian sat up.

“Let’s unpack this. My best friend of what is it now, two and a half years, IS ACTUALLY _from space_ , and is some kind of… magical girl idol robot? I dunno! Some of her adversaires have, like, hired me or somethin’, which pissed her IB friends off, and now they, _or at least_ _three of ‘em so far_ , want me dead.”

“ How is that ‘Oh No’? ”

“Eli,  **they want me dead** . If I’m dead and in Hell, I ain’t gonna be able to watch Chuggaaconroy’s videos.”

“ Chuggaaconroy sure is important. ”, said Eli with absolutely no sarcasm involved.

“ _ But _ , to make matters worse,  _ you’re here _ ” “ What? Is that not a good thing? ”

“Pf! Not for you, it ain’t!  **You’re trying to tell me somethin; important** ,  **_right_ ** ? But for whatever reason, ya can’t tell me.  _ Teto _ doesn’t want you to tell me. Gawd.  _ Teto _ . She creeps me out! All short people do, but especially her. Ya know, Neru says she’s the one in charge over there, but I  _ really _ think Teto is the one calling the shots. She actually...” 

“ Sorry for interrupting, but go back to the first part? ”

“You need to say something important, and that important thing is detrimental to Teto in some way.”

“ How did you figure that out? ”

“Pfaaah! Why else would you cry over  _ CHIPOTLE!? _ Come on, we’ve had better Mexican food at the fucking dining hall!”

“ I’m honestly surprised... ”

“Oh, right, I’m supposed to be the dumb one.”, said Ian nonchalantly. He turned over and reached underneath the bed. 

“ **_Time for Bepsis!_ ** ” He beamed, pulling out a can of Pepsi. Just a plain one, though. Ian cracked it open and took a swig. 

“ How… long has that been under there? ”, said Eli, mortified. 

“I dunno. It’s completely flat… This was a bad idea.” 

“ Do you have any  _ good ideas _ ? Preferably on how to get us out of this mess? ” “‘Us’?”

“ I’d like to have freedom, too,  _ if you don’t mind.. _ ”

“Eh, I’d give ya that, but it seems Lil’ Miss Po-Teto is hell-bent on keepin’ yer secret a secret at the expense of your life! What am I supposed to do ta  _ that _ !?”

Eli noticed something about Ian.

“What’s wrong?”, he spat. 

“ You! ” “Watanabe?” “ No,  _ Ian!  _ Your back! _ ”  _ “What about it?”

“ When you got that can… the scar on your back… ” “A scar?” “ _ From the axe Rin wedged in you! _ ” “Oh, right, how could I forget about that.” __

_“_ _Did you seriously forget that you got_ _fucking gored?_ ”, snapped Eli. “Probably.”

“ The axe wound is gone! It’s barely been an hour. Human bodies aren’t supposed to do that sort of thing. And the area healed doesn’t look like any sort of natural color. Was it… orange?! ”

“ _The wonders Pepsi_ _®_ _Max can do for the body_ …”, Ian beamed.

“ The wound was gone  _ before _ you drank any of that! ”

“Ah, well, maybe it’s  _ maaagic~ _ . Actually, _ on second thought _ , I hope it isn’t magic. I don’t think I have a magic permit!”

“ Shouldn’t you get that checked out? ” Ian stared at Eli for a moment.

“ _ PFUHAHAHAHAHA!  _ Yeah, right! Go to the _ hospital! _ In  **this** economy?” This wasn’t going to work. Eli had to try something else

_“_ You know, if he were in our boat, what would JoJo do?”

“‘JoJo’?”, inquired Ian. 

“ From  _ JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure _ ” Ian had a haughty throat clear.

“ ***HEH HEM** * **THERE’S EIGHT OF THEM,** YOU UNCULTURED SWINE!!”

“ What would JoJo Number… 4 do…? ” “Make Mista Cry.”

“ Other than  _ that _ …  _ (what even is a ‘Mista’?!) _ Who  _ is _ JoJo Number 4? ” “Josuke Higashikata.”, stated Ian.

“ Alright, and what do  _ you _ think  _ Josuke _ would do, given this situation? ” “What would Josuke do?”, asked Ian, almost transfixed. 

“ Yes, what do you think Josuke would do in our situation? ”

“... _ What would Josuke do…? _ ”

“ You were supposed to answer that. ”

“I wouldn’t know that because I’m not Josuke!”

“ Wouldn’t you know what he’s like from watching the show? ”

“No, because the characters in _Jojo’s_ **aren’t real!** ” Something about those last two words really sunk into Eli.

“ Well, you have fun with that. ” Eli got up, disappointed, and went back to the living room. Hopefully, Lucas was done playing Fortnite by now.

“ _ So did you get anything out of him? _ ”, asked Ian’s mother.

“ No. ”, said Eli.

“ _ Typical. If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly went down tonight? With Michelle and Rio? ...Is Michelle _ jealous _ that you’re with Ian now? _ ”

“ Oh no, no, it’s not that. ”

“ _ Then what’s their problem _ ?  _ Why on God’s Green Earth did Rio feel compelled to attack him? _ ”

“ Like I said, it’s complicated. I don’t really know myself. ”

“ _ I just don’t get it. He’s doing great at school, made good friends,  _ finally got a girl to go out with him after several years _ … _ ” The last line made Eli internally cringe. He knew damn well that whatever went down at Potomac Mills didn’t count as a  _ date _ ! What had Ian been telling his mother!?

“ I worry about him sometimes… ”, muttered Eli. Ian’s mother seemed upset.

“ _‘Sometimes’._ _You know,_ I’ve _been worrying about him a whole lot more than ‘sometimes’. Even if he’s doing spectacular, I just can’t shake this feeling that something_ terrible _is going on at Mason that he isn’t going to tell me about…”_

  
“ You could say that again… ” “... _ Pardon? _ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Olive Garden Scene is the best thing I have written to date, (even if I do like the Miku Boss Fight more...), unfortunately, it may be all downhill from here.


End file.
